Was I Obligated to attend?

Question

While this happened quite a while ago, it still chaps my hide. My sister's husband's niece, to whom I have never been close, was getting married. She did not send an invitation to me, but simply tacked my name onto my older sister's family invitation. My sister, without asking me, RSVP'd that I would also attend. I had no wish to do so, nor could I afford a gift. I don't even like this bride as she has never been remotely friendly to me. I did not attend this wedding. My sister tells me that each meal that had been ordered was nearly $30 and I should at least send them a check to cover the food they had ordered for me. I told her that she should if she felt it was necessary, as I had neither been properly invited, nor was I asked as to what my RSVP should have been. Had I been, it would have been no from the start. Who's right?

One person mentioned that I was probably tacked onto my sister's invite because she didn't know my address. She did. It was different from my sister's by apt A vs Apt B. I lived in the same duplex.

Also, I never agreed to attend. My sister purchased a dress for me to wear and demanded that I reimburse her for it. I did to shut her up about the money, but told her I would still not be attending.

To those saying I should have contacted the bride, I had no way of doing this. As stated originally, I am not this person's friend. I had neither phone number, nor address of any of her family members other than her uncle, my brother-in-law. As my sister had her contact info, she was told to please correct her error, for which I had no part. She chose not to do so.

I checked an etiquette book, for those who suggested that if we were in the same household my name being tacked on would be okay. I have since learned that anyone over the age of 18, should receive his/her own invitation. This applies even to adult children still living with Mom and Dad. Don't blame me, blame Judith Post (AKA Miss Manners)

For those who stated that I was probably left off of pre-printed invitations, they were NOT preprinted. They were just hand written. And she had plenty of unused ones left.

Answer 1

You are right.

To be fair to your sister's husband's niece, they probably "tacked your name" onto your sister's invitation after they had been printed, realizing you had been left out. (I assume the invitations were either printed or were professional calligraphy. If they were just informal handwritten notes then they certainly should have sent you one personally.) Give them the benefit of the doubt that they did not mean to offend you. Since they are not close to you they probably didn't expect you'd want to attend.

Your sister erred in accepting for you. (I'd cut her some slack for that, too, especially if you live in the same house.) But her action does not obligate you to attend or to send a gift. And you certainly should not send a check for the meal. That would probably offend the bride's family. (And point out how cheap the meals were. Was the dinner at Olive Garden? I digress.)

Send the newlywed couple a simple note of congratulations (a card with a short note will do), don't mention anything about the invitation, the meal or a gift, and move on.

Answer 2

No, you were not obligated to attend.

First, it took me a second to even work out how close that relationship is, and I finally figured out that I sort of know the names of my brothers-in-law's neices. I definately wouldn't be close to any of them, and my extended family, including families-in-law, is freakishly close.

Second, she didn't send you an invitation. Unless it is an understood that you and your sister are of the same household, or unless there was at some point a specific reference as to WHY an "invitation" for you was sent as part of her invitation, then in my opinion, you may consider yourself not invited. I'm usually all for the RSVP thing, but I'm also for responsibility of the person sending out invites. It would have taken very little time and money to call your sister up, ask for your address so you could be invited, and sent you an invitation of your own. I have two sisters, and have often received such phone calls. They usually last around 45 seconds, maybe up to a minute and a half if the bride-to-be doesn't have a pen handy. Tacking your name onto another invitation was the wrong thing for the bride to do. If she wanted you to feel included, she should have gotten your address. Simple as that.

Third, your sister broke so many rules of etiquette she should be ashamed of herself. Not only did she RSVP for someone she didn't have the right to RSVP for, she allowed others to believe it was you who was in the wrong for being a "no show". Then to repeatedly bring it up to you that you should pay for the food (which is something I still can't grasp... the whole theory that the guests "owe" the bride and groom the cost of the food in the form of a gift or money, that just seems tacky to me), nuh-uh.

The next time she says anything about how you need to send them a check for the food, tell her that you did not RSVP, she did, without your knowledge and without asking if you were interested in attending. Therefore, SHE was responsible for the no-show, and if she truly feels bad about the cost of the food, she can send in a check and shut up.

If she had simply called you up and asked if you were interested in going, this whole problem would have been avoided.


EDIT: I read what you added later. If this were my sister, I'd give her a piece of my mind and a whack upside the head. I assume, since you appear to live on your own, that you are not a child, and she should stop acting as though you were her child. I would even ask my five-year-old if he wanted to go to someone's birthday party (if it were really his choice, like if it were a friend) before going ahead and RSVP'ing. She should have AT LEAST done that. If she bought you a dress to wear to a wedding you said you weren't interested in attending, without your asking for the dress, you shouldn't have paid for that. She's making it so you are spending more NOT going to the stupid thing than if you had just gone, sat through a boring ceremony and eaten your $30 dinner and brought a gift. Is your sister legally insane or something???

At this point, if your sister won't just 'fess up to what she did and is causing problems for you, I think I might just call the niece up and very politely say that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, you did not RSVP and if she feels as though she is "out" the $30 for the meal, you will send her a check for the meal, minus the cost of the postage she should have used to mail you an invitation, and minus the cost of the dress you ended up having to pay for for no reason. Then, after that amount ends up being more than the thirty dollars, point out that either she can send you a check for the difference, or you can drop the issue and consider yourselves even.

Answer 3

One of the things that really leads to discord in families is where everyone decides what would be good for one person to do.

I'm sure your sister had good intentions, or maybe she just wanted to get others off HER back, but she put words into your mouth all the way down the line, according to what you are saying.

While I understand you reimbursing for the dress, because at least you will get to keep it and may have a chance to wear it in the future sometime, paying for the reception meal is not a very reasonable expectation.

I would not be surprised to hear that your sister is getting some flack from hubby and his family about you not turning up, with a complaint about the cost of the meal.

Personally, I think if she said you would go, even after you told her you wouldn't, she should pay for the meal.

However, you have to be her sister for ever, so maybe you could go halves, but make it clear that it's got to be the last time she answers on your behalf, for anything!

Good luck with this :-)

Answer 4

You or your sister should have contacted the bride before the wedding to let her know you would not be attending after all. The bride probably tacked your name on to your sister's invitation because she didn't know your address, but still wanted you to be included. No matter what your feelings for the bride, you and your sister were rude to not correct this before the wedding. However, since your sister RSVP'd for you, if anyone should pay the $30, it should be her. The bride probably wouldn't accept the money anyway. It is about more than money, just the lack of common courtsey that was displayed probably fired her up more than the money. This sounds like it is an issue between you and your sister and the bride was the one to get the short end of the stick.

I'm really a stickler about the RSVP thing. For my wedding (10 years ago), I invited 2 of my parent's neighbors. They RSVP'ed for 7 people and then NONE showed up. Although I'm over the money- the point is I now think of them as trash who have no social skills. It's just rude.

Answer 5

Since you didn't really know the bride-to-be all that well, it is not surprising that you were added to your sister's invitation as a "write in". As stated elsewhere, they probably realized at the last minute you'd been left off the pre-printed invitations, someone knew that you lived close to your sister, so they just wrote your name on your sister's invitation in an attempt to be polite. So, please don't feel it was a deliberate snuff on their part. You sister, on the other hand, sounds like the sort of person who felt it a family's obligation to attend the wedding of even a distant relative, figured you had nothing better to do anyway (especially since she was going to do the "hard" work of picking you up a dress to wear) and would probably want to come along for company if for nothing else. She more than likely answered the invitation quickly, before she spoke with you about it and figured if you already had a dress to wear that you'd probably decide to just go. For future reference: it never hurts to attend the wedding of a relative if you are not otherwise engaged. In any event, since your sister took it upon herself to get the dress and answer for you, she also took the chance that you might not be able to go. I seriously doubt that the wedding couple actually "charged" the guests for the food ordered, and your sister's demand for $30 to cover food you didn't eat is her idea alone. My recommendation is to pay for the dress you've accepted, tell her that if there is any money owed for food not eaten that it should be paid by the person who took it upon themselves to make obligations for you. Apologize that you were unable or unwilling to attend, but that in the future if they want to presume for you, they must "assume" for you as well; meaning "assume liability" for any decision they make for you. Pay for the dress, tell them to chalk up the $30 as a lesson on not making decisions for people. Then invite your sister over for dinner :)

Answer 6

Your sister was wrong. She should have asked you. But, just a suggestion, since she bought you a dress, maybe you could have gone. You could have said to your sister , "put my name on your gift, too, I have no money to buy one."
But since you felt so strongly about the bride, it was probably wise you chose not to go.
If it were me, I would have kept on the sister, and kept insisting that she should notify the bride that you were not coming, explanations as to why were not necessary. I would have asked your sister to fork over the RSVP information right now, so you could call yourself, with regrets.
Ask your sister now who came up with the re-embursement idea, the bride, her family, or was it a guilt trip laid on you by your sister. If it was from the first two, an apology is in order, and your sister should be the one. She should call and say: that she is sorry, she had no idea you would be busy that night, she is sorry for not notifying anyone of your not going to attend..Further explanation is not necessary to the bride.
Hopefully, next time, your sister will not volunteer you to do anything without asking. .

Answer 7

Goodness, no, you were in no way obligated to attend. Your sister should not have been so presumptuous as to RSVP for you. If you knew about the RSVP in advance, it would have been nice of you or your sister to send a note to the bride expressing your inability to attend the wedding so that she would not have ordered food for you. And you are right about the invitation. The bride should have sent you an individual invitation. Oh, and as far as wedding gifts go, gifts are exactly what they are, and are given within the means of the gifter. Gifts should not be expected from guests by the bride and groom.

Answer 8

No, you were certainly NOT obligated to attend.

Tiny bit of a control issue with your sister going on here.

What confuses me is that somehow she knew how much a meal at the wedding would cost and even suggest reimbursement.

People may RSVP that they are attending, but things come up at the last minute, or they have changed their minds (unusual). The wedding planner would have factored this in regarding the number of meals.

I have never heard of reimbursing the bride and groom for a reception meal, sounds bizarre to me.

Answer 9

You were not properly invited so there is no need for you to worry about how you responded to the invitation. I have done the same. There was a general invitation for a wedding sent to an organization where I belong. I did not confirm my attendance. It is my philosophy that if my presence is important, I would have received my own invitation. I only confirmed my attendance when the bride personally messaged me via SMS and asked if I was going to attend her wedding. Then several months later, I learned that I had my own invitation card. The person requested to give it did not bother to hand it over to me.

Answer 10

You're not obligated to anything and you definitely should not feel bad for not attending. Your sister shouldn't have RSVP'd for you without asking you first and even if the meal was $30.00 - it's pocket change compared to how much they spent on everything else - they didn't miss it. Besides, I would be shocked if there were no other people that RSVP'd that didn't show up - I'm sure you weren't the only one.
It's time to let it go.