Why am I so useless on my own?

Question

I split up from my ex about a month ago. I'm missing him terribly even though he was a good-fer-nuthin, and I just feel really empty. I always try to be everything I can for my partners, but I've never been good enough and it's always ended in disaster. Now I'm just feeling really rubbish. It seems like life has a point if there's someone to share it with. I have really low-self esteem, and my friends are telling me that I should spend time alone and get to love myself first. But the one thing that makes me happy is making other people happy and gaining their love.

So why does it keep going wrong? I give everything I have, build a person up, support them, excite them, entertain them, love them, spoil them... And it makes me feel so good to get their love in return.

But now I am alone and I just have myself to give love to. Which I don't find easy cos I don't really like myself. I just want someone to love me :-(

Answer 1

Your friends are right you have to learn to love yourself first. If you don't love & respect yourself then nobody else will. They will treat you like dirt, walk all over you etc. You can't look to a partner to take away the emptiness, that is something you have to figure out for yourself. Spend some time without a partner & get to know yourself: your likes & dislikes. You need to find another way to make yourself feel good.

Answer 2

Hey girl,

It's good you've recognised you have low self esteem. It's a horrible feeling to feel like you need to be loved to be worth anything. The thing is though that when it doesn't work out you blame yourself ("I'm not good enough") which likely isn't the case. I think counselling would be a good idea..it's no biggy to see a counsellor...I think the world would be a better place if everyone did it! You need to find out why you have low self esteem, what's behind not liking yourself, maybe people have treated you bad in the past / childhood?? and you constantly feel like you're filling that void. It's too much to deal with in one answer on here, but you do really need to work on yourself first so that you can make better choices where relationships are concerned. Don't be a servant, you deserve better than that, whether you think it or not. Feel free to keep in touch...all the best

Answer 3

Finding love is a choice and the feelings we offer people are what comes from the inside. If you want to gain people's love one must be who they are. Wanting someone to love you and having someone love you are two totally different things. Everybody wants to have people love them and have those special people in their life. Companionship feels good. I would say you make is sound like your desperate for a partner and are taking in anybody who will give you that attention. Is this the case? If so, I would say that while your willing to give your partner anything and do anything, the self-esteem you should have is a little low. Build up your confidence and your inner self. Stay positive and think good things will happen.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 4

Afraid your friends are right chicks! You need to start being strong on your own. You say your ex was a good for nothing?? Well if you loved yourself you'd realise you deserve sooooo much better than that. You put soooooo much into the relationship n probably become totally dependant on the guy which can only lead to him knowing he can walk all over you becoz if you don't respect yourself why should he???!!
You sound like a wonderful girl that any guy should be counting his lucky stars he has found....so jus take this time out to yourself n start taking an interest in your own life, hobbies keep yourself busy make plans with friends and spoil yourself for a change. Things will get better i promise!!
Good luck chicks x x x x

Answer 5

So its the classic need of being with someone to make yourself better. It is so easy to fall into the trap of losing your identity. A man should love you for you anyway so why say you're not good enough. He isnt good enough if he couldnt see how good you were to him. Though you need to be be less insecure. Go out with your mates, do those hobbies he made you give up for him, do things that just make you feel better. Get a haircut and a new wardrobe. Go abroad. You need to be independent. Live your own life and not through a man. Your family and your friends love you. Get the self esteem back, dont let a man ruin you.

Answer 6

Your friends are right. Start by loving yourself. Think of all the things that you're good at, list them down. Say nice things to yourself every morning when you get up, think nice thoughts about yourself. To start with, you are not useless.You are beautiful, You are smart, You are confident and You are worthy of Love. When you don't love or respect yourself people sense that and if you're involved with the wrong type of guy he won't love or respect you either. Self love enables you to make the right decisions where you're well-being is concerned- emotional and physical. You will know your worth and you will not settle for anything that is below that. You don't need a man or anyone to tell you how beautiful/ worthy you are. If you look hard enough, you'll see that you are. Smile princess.

Answer 7

well.. i feel its all because u love ur ex so much.. may be thats why u feel so bad and lonely now.. why dont u try and get back to him..

and important thing in any kinda relationship is always give ur love and care.. and never expect anything from the other person.. moment u expect something.. there creep ups ego and other misunderstandings.. also.. more u expect.. more chances of u getting disappointed.. so.. just take life as it comes.. infact.. everyone in this world is alone.. we all act and assume we have people around us caring about us.. at the end of the day u will find that its only u whos cared about urself..

i dont know if u could understand whatever i typed.. :))

all i wanted to say is.. just dont think too much.. just take life as it comes.. may be go out and make some friends.. spend some time with them.. ull be alrite..

take care..

Answer 8

If your with someone who really loves you, you shouldnt feel as though you have to give them everyhing for them to love you in return- the simple things in life will matter to both of you!!! A kiss goodbye in the morning etc!! I just think you havent found Mr Right!! Your friends are right in what they say- spend some time alone for a bit, have some "you time", spend time with the people that really matter!! (friends and family).

Your friends and family love you and BELIEVE me (experience) dont ever lose your friends and family- deadly serious!! They are so important and you will never know how much until you lose them!!

Think of it as a new, fresh, exciting start in life- dont rush out to find another bloke! You will never find love that way as you will just end up settling for someone because you want to feel loved!! Remember as well as feeling loved you also have to love!! Mr Right will come along and you will wonder why the hell you got so down about never finding someone!!

Cheer up and celebrate being single!! Enjoy every minute for life as you never know when it will end!!! Enjoy those closest to you and be patient in the wait for Mr Right!!

Good luck!!

xx

Answer 9

Oh how I can sympathise and relate to you my dear. You are a natural nurterer just like me and we seem always to pick men who have some failing or other, and we only want to make them "better" and feel loved. I have done this with four, yes four, husbands. Giving them all my love and support, even a very serious mentally ill one, only to be done the dirty on and now I am also on my own - again. Do these men purposely pick out us caring women and make fools of us? I'm sorry I can't answer your question of what you are doing wrong - I just wanted to let you know that I am asking myself the same question!! But I am still optomistic that, one day, I will find someone to love, who will love me back honestly and completely and I will live the rest of my life with him.

Answer 10

I'm sorry if this hurts you, but someone needs to say it. The reason you feel so empty and only like pleasing others is because he hate yourself. There is something in your personality or your body that you despise and you focus on pleasing others to shift your mindset. Your friends are right when they say you need to learn to love yourself before you can truly love anyone else. That's why you put so much time and energy into your relationships, because you need to distract yourself from you. the happiness you feel is always short lived because people see that you need to love someone and will feed off of that and use you until they find something else. using you as a parasitic host. My advice to you is just that of your friends', take some time, get to know yourself. If you find something you don't like, you're in control of yourself, and you reserve the right to fix it. if you are that wanting to love someone. Buy a pet. animals are wonderful to love and they will love you back no matter what. But before you can truly love anyone else, you have to love yourself.