is it ok to split up the ashes of a family member, when there is conflict on buriel. This is painful for me.?

Question

Death in the family, two sides, both want to dictate the final resting place and i'm in the middle.

Answer 1

If the deceased didn't give specific instructions, split the ashes. If the process is difficult for you, have it done at the mortuary or crematorium. Don't let this issue create a life of its own and more discord within the families.

Answer 2

If there can be no resolution, after every effort, then yes you can split up the ashes. But it is sad that even with death, that the family couldn't agree.
I have even heard of the ashes being placed in sealed lockets for each family member, and have a cousin who's mother's ashes were divided amounts her children, each to determine how to keep or say goodbye to her, in their own way. But in both cases, it was a mutual decision.

Answer 3

We had a similar position last year, and it was horrible. Personally, I think it is very dispresctful to the dead and I refused to go along with it.
We decided that the most noisy person wins, and just went along with whatever they wanted. My mil would have been horrified if she had known what was going on.
If you're in the middle, suggest you be the judge. And mention the words "respect" a lot!
By the way, I've never forgiven my sil for the pressure she put on us. And it was simply for her own convenience, she wanted it done before she went away on holiday!

I thought of another alternative. And this is the one I wish I'd suggested to my interfering sister-in-law. You keep the ashes until some such time that the two warring parties can come to an agreement. What's the hurry to disperse them? They can sit on your mantelpiece or in a vault until such time as peace reigns.

Answer 4

Yes.

If the deceased did not specify any wishes, it really is about what the family want to do. Offer to give them half each.

Remember, the ashes are just symbolic of the person. You will still have your memories, which are what are important.

If you are executor of the will, then you could decide.

Alternatively, burn some bones in a wood fire, shift out the charcol, crunch up the bones finally and give some to each lot, then dispose of them as you wish.

Excuse my chuckles,but in a decade or two, hardly anyone will really care. not many people regularly visit their grand parents, great grand parents, etc graves.

Oh, forgot to ask, is there a spouse? then you follow their wishes first.

Answer 5

The deceased doesn't care. They are in a better place. If it settles the dispute and puts the family at peace, split the ashes. The essence of the deceased rests within your heart, not within the ashes left behind.

Answer 6

I know of an instance when the ashes were divided. The urn with most of the ashes was buried in a cemetery, but each child and sibling was given a small box of ashes to scatter at a place of their choosing.

Sort of nice, really.

Answer 7

Yes it is OK unless the deceased specified different. We buried a family members ashes at sea and kept some for ourselves to bury later at a special place.

Answer 8

i would...or i would take the ashes out to a fav spot of the person who died and spread them....i think you should tell each side that this is absured and that it shouldn't be tearing a family apart it should be bringing family closer together because it shows how short life is...and they wanna spend it arguing?!?!?

Answer 9

it might heart the sentiments iof the decised person and it is also possible that his soul may not lie in peace
and the ash is to

Answer 10

I know people who have done this..and the family is sooo very happy now!