Did you ever refuse to go to someone's funeral? Like an abusive parent?

Question

My sister tells me that she will not attend our Father's funeral when he goes because of several reasons from the past; abuse on several levels.
The only reason why we had a discussion is he's been preoccupied for yrs. concerned 'when he goes' ect.
If you had experienced an emotionally [ect] abusive relationship w/a parent-- did not attend their funeral, do you regret it? Did you not go coz you felt you couldn't handle the pain or other reasons?
And what about family members, were they angry w/you or did they understand if you didn't go?
My sister says she doesn't think she'd be able to handle it.
What was your experience?

Answer 1

If she does look back on it in regret, she will probably find other ways to bring closure. But it seems like the funeral for her would open more unecessary wounds than bring any sort of closure - which is what the funeral is intended to do (bring closure...not open wounds).

The family may have issues with it, but I encourage you to stand behind your sister's decision and let her know you support her. This is probably a more difficult decision than it seems ~ or even that she realizes ~ and she needs that support.

Matt

Answer 2

My mother is dying of lung cancer right now. I won't be there when she dies, and I won't be attending her funeral.

For some people, the parent is already dead, although not literally. The relationship has ended and the person has gone through a grieving process already. There is no need for the parent's death to cause any more psychological trauma than the parent has already caused. Each person has their own experience and the right to attend or not attend a funeral, it's none of anyone else's business, really, because then it's all about the parent again - did the parent get to ease his/her conscience by apologizing, justifying, or doing whatever he/she did before all over again...were the parent's wishes respected, ultimately, who cares? When you tell an abusive parent to hit the road, you say goodbye to all of that, and that parent loses the right to subject you to pain and guilt. You're only going because he guilt-tripped you into it.

Don't pick up where he left off. Respect your sister's desire to keep her distance, to remain emotionally healthy, and be supportive. Always value the living.

Answer 3

Both of my parents are alive, but I will not attend my father's funeral. He was abusive, and I have had nothing to do with him since I was a child. I probably won't even know when dies because of the lack of contact. I think it would be hypocritical to see a priest/pastor talk about what a wonderful man he was, which I know is not true.

Answer 4

I had a close family member treat me with such vicious cruelty that I swore never to be in the same room with him again, and I have kept to that in spite of the attempted manipulations of various family members. He still lives, but I probably will not attend his funeral. To do so would be hypocritical, in my eyes.

Respect your sister's feelings. She has a right to them. Some people truly don't deserve to be forgiven.

Answer 5

you don't go. they should understand. send a card , flowers whatever. I hate funerals. I only go out of respect for the most grieved

Answer 6

Her feelings are valid. So are yours. Each of us know what we can handle and what will be meaningful to us. She may regret it later, but now she may need this choice.

Answer 7

Respect your sister's wishes. Even if you don't fully understand or agree. If she feels this strongly, her reason is surely valid.

Answer 8

My "Dad" is the loving grandfather who raised me. That said, when my mother's sperm donor died I showed up just to be sure the SOB was really dead. Then I had a party.

Answer 9

Let the dead (spiritually) bury the dead (physically).

Answer 10

i dont do funerals.
i dont see any reason to.