myboyfriend who is grieving the loss of his 18 yr. old son to suicide and whose b'day is monday, won't talk to

Question

answer his phone, only answering machine or talk to me. He sleeps most of the time and we have been together for 6 yrs. and his son and I got along great, so I'm grieving too. My boyfriend and I were really close before and after the loss of his son, but now he is pulling away from me and others, but especially me. I worry constantly about him. He has always been a loner, plus years ago, his older sister committed suicide too. Also, his step-father, who he loves, is dying too.
He told my friend that he pushes me away because he couldn't stand to lose anyone else. What should I do. I want to be able to comfort him and he won't let me. I feel abandoned and lost.

Answer 1

You already have some good answers so I'll just say this. If you haven't already, get to him somehow and let him know that you're not giving up on him and you're there for him. Let him sternly this one time. Then, just be there for him as he goes through this time and don't pressure him. He will come around and he'll benefit by having someone who truly intends to be there for him.

Answer 2

Write him a little note telling him it is OK to have feelings about lose, but if he needs you, he can count on you. Also tell him you are suffering too, but you will give him the space he needs for now. Include in the note how much he means to you too. As for you feeling abandoned and lost, use this time for your self, such as taking a college class or picking up a new hobby or maybe just reading a good book. Dwelling on it won't help. You might have to be the strong one for now.

Answer 3

First, I am sorry that you and your boyfriend have lost a loved one. We all suffer differently when we are grieving however you will need to be the strong one and support him during this deep depression provoked by the loss of his son. If you love him as you say you need to give him space but reassurance as well...go ahead and call and leave a short message that is lite and meaningful; like I love you and am here for you for whatever you need me for...it's important that he feel your love (even in a message) without feeling guilty that he is not showing his love of you right now. Grief is a lonely and personal emotion and often it appears he is pushing you away but if you remain steady and consistanyt but not pushy or overly verbal he will come back to you. First he needs to resolve his own grief and find himself. His birthday is just a reminder of a celebration and that is the last thing he wants right now; is to celebrate. Be good to yourself but try not to take his grief and actions personally. It's not easy but if you keep your communication to him simple he should naturally return to you. You will comfort him by being on whatever side he needs you to be on; including just a simple card saying you love him and understand he needs time; assure him you will give him whatever time he needs. One thing, be careful who you share your feelings of abandonment too because what you say right now must be heard more in actions. I have been in this grief and if you google Peter McWilliams you will find some of his works which help; he helped me more times than I can count with his down to earth common sense and poetry. He also writes about the stages of grief. His most famous works is "How to survive the loss of a love" love meaning any kind of love. One last thought; allow those who care for you and you care for to help you with your own loss of his son while your boyfriend is taking the time he needs. Just be supportive. I can't get the spell check to work so forgive any mis-spellings.

Answer 4

Buy a really beautiful card and ask him to think what he's saying: "he's pushing you away because he couldn't stand to lose anyone else"? now that you both need each other. You can only find the right words coming from your heart. Tell him to take his time but don't forget you're waiting for him.

Answer 5

Both of you need to see your doctor and get some help for your situational depression. Nothing can help with the pain of losing a child, only time. Get some counseling to help you learn to cope and be patient. Grieving takes time.

Answer 6

this is a great loss in a life of a father. leave him alone unless he wants to suicide too( in this case take him to a mental health doctor). anyone would need sometime to be alone. you can't help him at this. a child is the most important person ever to any parents. only time would heal.

Answer 7

omg, what a horrible place to be in. your boyfriend is so depressed. what a terrible place to be in and have to deal with. don't make this all about you...he is hurting. be there for him and try to understand all his insecurities of the situation. i understand that you are grieving also, but to him not any one person understands his grief. it's not a negative thing, it's just happens to be reality. I hope you are able to convince him to seek counseling. I wish the best of luck to you both. I hope to never be in your position.

Answer 8

I know how he feels. I am a complete jerk sometimes to my wife because I am afraid to lose her and I think sometimes it best she were to leave and hate me. Its very selfish. I lost my mother when I was very young along with my grandfather, grandmother, and my father all in a short period of time. He is trying to defend himself, put up walls to protect himself from more hurt. Dont give in. If you bail on him it will do more bad than good. You dont want him to have to go on to anti-depressants.

Answer 9

death is a hard thing to get over,.....i lost my wife after 24 years of marriage,.....i was just 48 years old when i found her at home, she had suffered a massive brain aneurysm,.....she was the love of my life,.....i don't know the relationship your boy friend had with his son,.....but if he is going through anything like i went through i have an idea,.....i think all you can do is be there for him,.....every one handles this in there own way,.....

Answer 10

i lost a hubby to suicide. it takes time to heal. he'll be distant for awhile and depressed. he's hurting so much right now that he cant bare the thought of hurting anymore. so he'll push you away, just let him know your there for him and eventually he'll come around.