is he too old?

Question

ok here's the deal, i just turned 18 in march. and the guy i like is 40... i know its a big difference but we have so much in common we can talk about anything and everything and never get bored of each other (we talk on the phone for like 2 - 3 hours a day and we see each other every weekend almost)... i've known him for 2 years and he has helped me through some really tough times with my family. and i have started to develope feelings for him, im pretty sure he has some for me too cuz he is always telling me how sweet and caring i am and that he has never known anyone as good as me and just all these really flattering things he even told me one time that if he could be with me it would make his life "perfect". but the thing is all my friends think its creepy and my family hates him... should i try to make it work or listen to them? after all isnt age just a number anyway???

Answer 1

he is too old, there are many others out there!!! Get away from him.

Answer 2

My sister's husband is 22 years older than her, she got with him when she was 14. He treats her like a queen and she don't stand down in an argument either she lets him have it. I don't think age matters that much anymore, but from the way you describe this person he sounds like the type of guy who is willing to tell a girl anything she wants to hear so he can get what he wants. It gave me the creepy crawlies just reading it.
Think of somethings that you have listed: talk on the phone 2-3 hours a day (what time of the day is it?) we see each other every weekend almost (why not every weekend?)
The line that really gets me is this one: 'he even told me one time that if he could be with me it would make his life "perfect"' This is a line that men give young women, when that are dating someone else or are married. And if he is only 'seeing' you then way not make his life perfect & be with you all the time.

Answer 3

My guidelines always have been 'If he's old enough to be my father, he's too old.' But that doesn't work for everyone. I think you need to look into why you think you're attracted to him.

You mentioned that he's helped you through some family problems, were these to do with your father? Maybe you see this guy as some sort of father figure? Or are you using this relationship to rebel against your family?

I'd also be a little worried about his motivations. You've been friends for a while now, but who initiated the friendship in the first place, him or you? And is it possible that he's been using your friendship to try to take advantage of you? I'm not saying that's the case, but I'd think long and hard before I let things go any further if I were you.

Answer 4

You bring up a great question that has been decided through hundreds of years. Since your are 18, it is your choice. Since he is 40 it no question that he would want to be with you. Of course your parents and friends would want you to be with someone your own age, but the decision is yours.

You already know if you stay with him, in 20 years you know the rest and I'm sure it has been told to you. In my case, I am in a relationship where my partner is 18 younger than me. Not so different from you, although my partner is 30 and is more mature and I believe that gives them a sense of reality.

I would doubt that your relation would last as you might find other people in your life closer to your age. But for the sake of argument, I think it is your choice, at least for the time being. It is not wrong and if you and he are happy, then I would have to say it is OK. It is unusual, however not totally uncommon. Do as you wish until you decide to change your mind.

Answer 5

If you are 18, then you can date and see each other legally and there is nothing anyone can do to stop you. If you like each other then that is your preference and everyone has to respect that.

That being said. Since there is a large age difference between the two of you, there are generational issues that can come to play. The wants, needs, interests, and desires of a 40 year old is going to differ from that of an 18 year old. Since he is old enough to be your father, he may inadvertantly treat you like a kid to be raised. So if doesn't work out in the end, those are the reasons why.

Answer 6

Age should not be an issue. If 2 people love each other, they can marry and have a great life together.

That said.
It does seem kind of weird that a guy who as known you since you where a child of 16, would have those feeling for you. You should consider that.

You should not rush into anything. Remember it is your life and you will have to live with your actions. If your family hates him, you may lose them. Talk to your family and find out why they hate him. See if you can understand their feelings and concerns. If you are serious about him, both of you should talk to a councilor or your religious leader.

Answer 7

Does he have a good job? one thing he well never leave you for the younger girl as you are it. I have 18 year old want to date me (no way) I do not worry about the 20 years difference it is that you are only 18. In other countries this is OK If he can support you and you love each other be ready for hard times go ahead and love each other.You well be called his daughter does that bother you? The rest of us is jealous you talk so long on the phone the others want their lovers to be doing the same to them..

Answer 8

Age is only a number but experience is what really matters. You are very young and while its likely he's not taking advantage of you, you may not know exactly what you want. At 40, he will and its probably marriage, commitment or the opposite which is freedom and bachelorhood. You're at two different places in your lives which will make this relationship incredibly difficult- you shouldn't be tied down or totally cheated of commitment. Maybe it will work but really look at your situation. Your family might "hate" him and your friends may think he's creepy for a reason.

Answer 9

Totally creepy. Listen to the people who love you. There is a reason they hate him. Sure age is just a number, if you stay with him, you'll hit your sexual prime at 30 and he'll be 52 and searching for his Viagra bottle. When you retire at 65 he'll be 87....think about it. There is an entire generation between you. I promise after a while you won't have much in common. You won't be able to relate to each other at all. You'll mention the Spice Girls and he'll be thinking about garlic and oregano... He'll mention the Rolling Stones and you'll think he's talking about some rocks... It's creepy. Listen to your family!

Answer 10

..seems to me like the problem is that YOU are too young for HIM.. rather than he too old for you.
Relationships are private matters..things in them that work , are usually held kinda sacred between the two folks involved in it.... and you seem more bent toward publicity of the whole thing, than being confident, satisfied, content with the way things are.
When two folks reach mutual respect, reliance, confidence, acceptance, regard, integrity, communication, what ever, they are usually around the same age...but well functioning relationships DO work when there are some years difference between them... my mom and dad were 12 years apart, and they were together there entire adult lives.
If I were you, i would leave things the way they are..listen to your proven consultants..dont bite off something you arent ready to live with.
Another thing.. he may just be feeling flattered by your attentin..and you by his... flatery is greate, but it dont float no long tern commitments..! that takes maturity, responsibility, and integrity.
Friendships are where you seem to be ...he is surfing..
chill out.. for a year or two...you got plenty of time to test things out befor you are over your head in a mess that wil give you memories you will regreat a lifetime.

Answer 11

If it's really there between the two of you, then the age thing may still present challenges, but they can be dealt with if the two of you want to make it work..
But be certain that it's really there.
If people who care about you have doubts, ask yourself why. Think of what they see. Do they have valid concerns? If so, you should give their opinions some thought.
And what about your intended futures? Does your view of the next few years of your life match up with his? The two of you may have very different paths ahead of you.
The point is that you should think before moving forward with this. Then, if you are truly sure of your feelings AND his, you can go forward with full confidence.

Good luck.