I need help from people or spouses/partners of people with bipolar disorder...?

Question

My fiance and i have been together for 7 1/2 years...about 3 1/2 years ago he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Needless to say it has been a long hard road and the medications that have been tried only make the mood swings worse (alot worse).... I know that alot of the time he cannot help some of the things he says/does (most of the time he can't remember what he's said to me during some of his episodes). I really love him and we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant with our son. But sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. I guess my questions are what can i do to better deal with this disorder? How can I help him to better deal with it? And most importantly, how do i keep myself from resenting him for things that he doesn't remember?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...and please don't answer if your only doing it for the points.

Answer 1

The best advice I have seen here is seeking support from NAMI and DBSA. I'm going to past my bipolar links which include links to them. There is also a great on-line community called BPSO for significant others. I highly recommend that you contact your local NAMI and take their free FAMILY to FAMILY course to help you learn more about Bipolar Disorder and living with your fiance.

I don't mean to scare you because you are pregnant, but I also encourage you to learn everything you can about ADHD and Bipolar Disorder in children since this is hereditary. Many NAMI's offer Visions for Tomorrow, a free class focusing on children, others have other programs that also focus on children. The Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation http://www.bpkids.org is an excellent resource.

Living, even living well with bipolar disorder is possible although challenging. Knowledge is power. Take care.

Bipolar Disorder Internet Resources:

Good Information than anyone can read:
From Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
About.com: http://bipolar.about.com/

Support, Resources and Information:
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: http://www.dbsalliance.org
National Allisance for the Mentally Ill: http://www.nami.org
Bipolar Significant Others http://www.bpso.org/
Pendulum per support: http://www.pendulum.org/

Good Sources of Information:
National Institute of Mental Health: Bipolar Disorder http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm

Medline Plus: Bipolar Disorder http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/bipolardisorder.html

MayoClinic.com: Bipolar Disorder http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356

Johns Hopkins Medicine: Bipolar Disorder http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/epigen/bpwhatis.htm

emedicine from WebMD: Bipolar Affective Disorder: http://www.emedicine.com/med/topic229.htm

National Guidline Clearinghouse: Practice guideline for the treatment of patients with bipolar disorder (this includes the regulatory drug alters and warnings) http://www.guideline.gov/summary/summary.aspx?ss=15&doc_id=3302&nbr=2528

WebMD: Bipolar DIsorder http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder

PsycCentral:
Goldberg Bipolar Screening Quiz http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm
Bipolar Disorder http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx20.htm
Online Resources http://psychcentral.com/resources/Bipolar/

Answer 2

My mother suffers from the exact same illness so, I can relate to the frustration and confusion you are experiencing. The best thing I found to help me with the situation was to actually research the illness which enlightened me as to what exactly causes it and also some of the trigger points that actually intensify the symptoms the individual experiences. Once, I completed the research, I was better prepared to know how to avoid triggering the individual's symptoms and I had a much better understanding of the illness. I also became more aware as to when the medication needed to be adjusted. Finally, I saw a therapist who took the time to listen to my concerns and frustrations with the illness and also took the time to explain to me better the areas that I didn't understand regarding the illness. Hopefully, this will help you and will encourage you to seek out the research and someone who understands the illness that can explain it much easier than what may have already been explained to you. I wish you the best.

Answer 3

I went for years being unable to control my bipolar disorder with meds, and I found out a few things: I get really bad reactions from benzos like ativan, (lorazepam) xanax, valium, benadryl, Nyquil, Ambien, etc. About 5% of people get agitation/irritability with those drugs, and for me and my brother, it was a nightmare for years. It took me a couple months to settle down after quitting ativan. Second, it seems that my brother and I don't have all the liver enzymes that others do. Most psych drugs are processed by the cyp450 2d6 enzyme in your liver (google this, but it's technical genetics stuff) and if you don't have this enzyme, you get overdosed on most psych drugs. So you have to take them at like 1/5 of what other people take them at. About 10% of white people have this problem, I do not know the figures for other races/nationalities etc. you would have to google it. Lamictal and lithium do not get metabolized in this way. This combo has worked very well for me. Finally, bipolar people in general should not take antidepressants. They jack you up and make it harder to control the cycling. Oh, wait, finally finally, when he does find a pill that sorta works, he has to be sure to take it every day. A lot of people forget, and the pills don't work if you forget to take them.

The person who said your fiance is probably lying about not remembering is overly opinionated. I have that problem. It's the attention deficitty part of bipolar that probably does that (doc told me that you get so hyper you don't pay attention to anything and fail to record a memory). To me, it feels as if intense emotions make it impossible to form a memory.

If he has health insurance, he should be seeing a counselor. Sometimes, you ought to go with him, and you can work on these issues together. My husband goes with me about 1/2 the time. When a person is bipolar, they gotta get their act together better than other people to maintain good relationships..

Good luck!

Answer 4

I had a boyfriend with Bipolar Disorder. I loved him very much but he was always withdrawn and would say weird things. He ultimately broke up with me during one of those episodes. So I know how you feel when these hurtful things are said. I am now friends with this ex-boyfriend and hes actually improved. He is on less medication and we meaning me him and his family have leaned so much on prayer and just given it over to God. Faith has really pulled us through. He is my best friend and all I want is for him to be happy and I know this is how you feel about your fiance. So try giving eachother space assuming this wont send him into an episode. Also as sad as it may be if you find yourself wondering what your doing still with him it may be time to end things. This is especially hard since there are children involved but what is best for them and you and your fiance? Im not saying this is th case with you but dont be with him just because your afraid of what would happen to him if yall broke up. Just be strong and think of what is best for everyone and try the faith thing. It helps I guarantee it.

Answer 5

Bipolar disorder will definitely cause strain on your relationship. However, many people live and function with this disease. The first key is to get him to recognize that he has a problem. If he can not remember his inappropriate behavior, he can not responsibility for it. Come up with some way to show him how he has been acting and the damage caused to his family. (Be very selective on a time to present this to him) Get him professional help. If his current doctor is not controlling his moods with medication, see someone else. Someone who specializes in this disorder. Finally, make sure he takes his medication on a long term basis and make sure he is able to discuss his behaviors with a professional.

Answer 6

I'm no expert in bipolar, but I can say from personal experience that it is equally hard to be a caregiver or supporter of a person with bipolar, as it is to be living with it. Sounds like you've been able to stay strong and hang in there with him up til now. Have you tried couples counseling (not with his traditional therapist) to see if there is anything you can do together to ease the stress?

If you would like answers from people going through similar situations, here is a support group of people who understand bipolar disorder best. I hope you can get some specific questions answered there. I wish you the best of luck.

http://dailystrength.org/support/Mental_Health_Addiction/Bipolar_Disorder/

Answer 7

There are two organizations that can help. One is a DBSA group and the other is NAMI. They both have family groups that you can take your challenges to and find support.

The other thing you need and your husband needs is a good therapist who has dealt with people with Bipolar. It will probably be the only thing that will save you.

I'm bipolar and I know that it's really(!!!) hard to live with someone. You have the children and you need to understand the disorder if but for their sakes. I would like to believe that someone who has that kind of time invested would try.

If he doesn't take his medication, refuses, leave him. But still get help for yourself.

Answer 8

Hi:

I also have Bipolar. It is more than difficult I have to say. Have you been to support groups or support groups on line? You need alot od support to have a relationship with someone who has Bipolar.

I can't agree more with what Gardensallday has said. It is exactly what I was going to say. I have to mention the fact that there is mentioning of he is lying to you about not remembering....I have missed not only days but weeks when I am cyclying, so in that case I believe him.

I believe that there has to be ground rules, and I also believe that they need to be dscussed when he is NOT in a cycle.

If I can help in any way, my contact info is in my profile for you to use as you wish.

Be safe and be well

Answer 9

It's SO hard, especially with children involved.

I would make some rules: He has to get the medicines right, and stay on them. If he EVER decides to stop taking them, kick him out. If he EVER gets violent, kick him out. If he EVER abuses substances, kick him out. If he EVER screws around, kick him out. No tolerance.

You're right that most of his abuse is not really directed to you, and that he doesn't remember it later. But your feelings are still hurt, right? You can help him, and yourself, by seeing a therapist (not his therapist, yours). You can be taught techniques for keeping things calm in your house, and a therapist will help you with your feelings of resentment, too.

Meanwhile, he's got to keep trying meds until he finds one (or a combination of them) that help out. My 17 year-old son takes Serequel, Adderall, Zoloft, Elavil & Carbatrol (600mg + 400mg). Carbatrol may be the answer for your guy. It's a really old drug for seizure control, I think. But for my son, it works as wonderful mood stabilizer.

I know you love this guy, but there's only so much misery you can put up with before he sucks you and the kids down into his personal hell. You can't let that happen.

I wish you a lot of God's grace in your coming years. I hope your man is able to get his act together and you all can live as a happy family.
Best wishes, dear.

Answer 10

Wow, you are walking a fine line here and I cant help but feel bad for you, Im sorry for this, Bi polar disorder is very hard to handle... I would try for him to get off the meds, believe it or not it helps alot... try a more naturalistic approach, try going out more and seeing new places, find things that he can have an immediate association, take him out to the park, have more picnic small family reunions, not places with alot of people this tends to aggrevate the situation... Dont feel bad for resenting him, its natural.. just remember that its not his fault, its hard to cope with and will be hard as long as your with him.. but good luck to you.