If someone offers to throw you a shower, how to you turn them down nicely?

Question

I am having a shower in a few months and my husband's stepmother wants to throw one for me for their side of the family. I want to have just one shower altogether and someone else has already offered. Someone else turned her down and she was so upset she didn't even bother showing up. She sent her gift with someone else and never talked about it. How do I tell her this other person is doing it for me without making her angry or upset to the point that she doesn't want to come to the other one?

Whoa...these answers are pretty mean. Here's the deal: I like this person and I'd like to remain on good terms with her. (According to new family members, this is difficult and I should enjoy it while it lasts.) But my parents offered to throw me one BIG shower for both sides of the family together. That way we don't have to separate and everyone can chip in if they want on the one big one and not have to spend extra money on two separate. I just want to tell this person this is what's happening without her getting upset.

Answer 1

My mother in law wanted to throw me a baby shower. I told her that it was really difficult for us to find the time to do stuff like that and that the one my mom was throwing for me was already too much for me to handle. Then I told her over and over again how amazingly sweet it was but to please not do it as i was under so much pressure as it was. It worked.

Answer 2

The thing I'm thinking here is, she probably wants to get involved with the wedding, but as the Step Mother it's a bit harder than usual, so rather than risk being ignored she is trying to control things.

Is there something fun and public she could do to help with the wedding? Perhaps organising a get-together meal for the bridesmaids the night before, something like that? Where you say 'thanks' in advance to the bridesmaids, and sort out any last minute details, and which she could organise and attend? That way she gets to feel like she has DONE something, and it's important, but it's not a shower?

As for the shower, I think you could say "What a shame, it would have been so much better if you'd done it because you have such good taste, but X has already spent quite a bit of money and time making arrangements, and there is nothing else for them to be involved in, I can't disappoint them now." You can decline a second shower by pointing out that it's impossible for you to fit everything into your schedule now, and saying how stressed it is all making you (if this is not true by the way, you are a better organiser than 90 per cent of brides, including me, lol).

At the same time, you could mention that you have a long list of other things you'd like your future Step-MIL to helping with because she is just the person of good taste, style and ability to get the job done, then mention x,y,z. Try and make them a bit fun, the sort of thing she can say to her friends 'my future DIL needs my help'.

If you don't like her and don't plan to have anything to do with her after you are married, just decline, but as your future MIL she is likely to be around for a long time. Try and get her involved and make her feel important, without giving in to her in everything, and you will get off to a better start.

Good luck ~ it will take a bit of diplomacy, but if you can get it right, it will be much smoother sailing afterwards :-)

Answer 3

Explain to her that this woman offered first, and that you had already accepted. Also that part of the deal was that you could only have one shower, and she wanted control over it. She is one of your good friends and really don't want to flake on her because she would be extremely upset and there could be severe consequences. It would have been a great idea it is just unfortunate that because of the circumstances and time having another shower is just not an option but that you would love to have her come and help out (then just create marginal jobs for her to do so she feels like she is helping) and that would suffice. I think that would work because then she would know that she would have gotten the gig however, it just didn't work out.

Answer 4

I say go ahead and let her throw you a second shower. What's the worse that could happen? Some people might even enjoy going to two showers. You might even get extra gifts that way.

Answer 5

For the sake of family harmony, I think I would let her throw the shower for that side of the family. There certainly would be no harm done. All you'd have to do is show up, smile and collect gifts. It would be better than starting off on the wrong foot with your new in-laws.

Answer 6

Your husband's stepmother is part of your new family. Not good to start off on the wrong foot.

Unless you can get the other person to co-host with the stepmama, I think you go ahead and let her host a shower for you. I mean, unless she's an ax murderer or something.

Getting married works better with a 'live and let live, give and let give' attitude.

Answer 7

Can you just sit her down and have a quiet discusson, without her getting all upset and shouting? I hope so. Because she's being unreasonable. Explain to her quietly what you want. Tell her you just wanted one big shower. Hel, you're the bride!You should have what you want! Not what your husband's stepmother wants!! If she doesn't accept it coming from your own mouth, she's just being stupid, and I don't think you should give her another thought. Only happy thoughts!! Happy wedding!! Good luck,hon! :)

Answer 8

First, I have to say that I don't get this whole "shower" thing. I say that so you'll know where my question is coming from.

Why not just have two showers? What's the harm in it? One shower for friends, one shower for family. It sounds like a good deal to me.

Answer 9

Sometimes - it not about you. From experience - I would suggest to let her throw her shower for you. First - There wont be many people there because it sounds like she doesnt have too many friends. Second - You're talking about 3 hours out of your life to attend this shower - compared to a LIFETIME of BS from the fallout!

Take it from me. Just suck it up. Think of the great gifts youll get for just showing up for 3 hours! Not a bad deal.

Answer 10

Ecplain to your step-mom-in-law-to-be that you don't want to have 2 showers, that a friend has already offered to throw one (make sure you tell her who, like my maid of honor, my best friend, etc). Then tell your step-mom-in-law-to-be that you would be HONORED if she would to invite her family/friends to this one shower so everyone can be toegther on "Your Day"