Am I the only one who thinks this is terribly rude?

Question

There is a young woman is having a commitment ceremony with her partner later this month. This same woman was also a bridesmaid in the wedding of a mutual friend of ours. She went to both phases of the bachelorette party (taking the bride out, and the party at the house later) and did not contribute any money to cover costs. The rest of us has to cover her portion as she was "strapped for cash". She then attended the wedding and did not buy a gift for the couple.

Now she has planned a ceremony for herself at 530pm on a weekday (so it's free) and a "buy-your-own" reception dinner at a local restaurant. Not to mention that she has registered at several upscale home stores for gifts.

Long story short, is it inappropriate to mention these details to her? Or just boycott the ceremony in general? Or should everyone just shut up and let bygones be bygones?

Some of the answers have mentioned that maybe she is actually poor and/or maybe she didn't understand she needed to contribute to the bachelorette/wedding events she attended.

First,she always seems to have plenty of money for clubbing, which she does at least twice a week. Also, it was agreed a few months prior to the bachelorette party that we would all pitch in at least something. Later on, a few of us agreed that she may not have been able to pitch in equally as she works in retail, but that any contribution at all would have been nice. Instead she just "dodged" those of us involved for a few months afterward until she thought we probably had forgotten about it.

Note: Many of you seem to think that even posing this question is childish. That's quite possible. I guess the real question is, how long do you allow someone to take advantage of you and/or your friends before you do something?

Answer 1

I had my wedding a year ago, so I know that it costs a lot more than you initially expect. There are many many details, and it can be overwhelming to someone with a low income and no one to pitch in. Most people have family that helps to cover the cost.
So, if you value this friendship (you don't really say so, but even if she is a part of your group - you probably want to stay cool with everyone else... so...) Remember that this is an important time in her life, and she is surely doing the best she can with her resources. So go to the ceremony, pay for your meal at the 'reception' (think of it as a night out with friends - you don't expect them to pay for you in that situation right?) and bring a card with your best wishes and a positive attitude so that your friend has some good memories.

Answer 2

I have a straight friend who was always asking me for rides, never had the right change to pay a restaurant bill, an on and the one and I mean one time I asked her to pick me up to go somewhere she had an empty gas tank and asked me for $5.00. Told her sorry, only had enough money for a bite and a drink. Next time she pulled the rest. bill thing, you know, you pay it I'll pay you back, right, I told her I only had enough for mine so she would have to work it out with the restaurant, sorry I can't help. Bottom line, she's not a bad person, just has issues and it sounds like your friend may be the same way. Personally, I would evaluate the friendship. If it's not of any value, be up front and let the chips fall whereever. If it is of value, then I'd just politely start treating her the way she treats everyone else. Gay or straight this ceremony is a special time in someone's life, attend, eat the way you would anyway if you were paying and just give her a card, no gift.

Answer 3

I would say it depends, Did she OK it with everyone first that they would be paying her costs? was the bride OK about her not bringing a present and just happy she could be her bridesmaid? was she genuinely broke ?

Is it the fact she is still broke and want the ceremony for love, or is she just being cheap?

why do people think they are always going to get fed at weddings? what would be wrong with just drinks and cake? that alone would cost alot,
I'm sure she is really embarrassed by the fact it is going to be buy your own, but hopes that her friends want to share her day with her, as for the gift may be she knows it is the only way she could hope to own things from these stores, if you feel that bad either say as you are paying for your own meal you cant afford a lot, and either don't take any thing, buy her and her partner a drink at the do, or buy a cheaper version of one of the presents she wants.
If you really have issues then don't go, and explain your reasons, but if she is genuine it will hurt her alot that you don't understand.

Answer 4

I think you should go the ceremony (if that is what you want to do) and wish your friend the very best. I also think you should buy her a very nice congratulatory card, with a personal note written it inside, telling her how happy you are for her. If you leave it at that, you won't be spending a bunch of money, which you clearly do not want to do, but you will be perfectly appropriate.

Oh, and as for the "buy your own" reception dinner, I would completely ignore that. All she is doing is inviting you to buy yourself a meal at the place of her choosing. THAT is extremely tacky. If she wants to invite her friends to a reception, then she needs to pay for it. If she's too broke to pay for it, then a little get together in her living room with simple cake and punch wouldn't cost her much.

Answer 5

maybe she really doesnt have a lot of money i dont know a buy your own dinner at the reception that sound an awful like daddy isnt springing for the wedding hats for sure let bygones be left where they are if it didnt bother your mutual friend dont let it bother you either this same broke girl might just be there for both of you in the future when everybody else has abandon you guy now that's something i hear quite frequently

Answer 6

I think it's inappropriate to mention it to her. However, it is rude. If you like her enough to go to the ceremony, keep quiete and pay. If you're not all that fond of her, I'd decline to attend and prevent the resentful feelings. I personally would probably not go. I think it's a bit tacky to have it on a weeknight and to set it up the way that you describe.

Answer 7

I used to paintings with a fats, lazy lady like that who could whinge that she could not do something. She even complained that sitting in a chair and submitting used to be too tough on her eyes. It frustrated me soooo a lot that I began purposely giving her plenty of matters to do at the 3rd ground (no elevator), heavy matters to convey, and so forth. I had continually helped her up till then, however she used to be ungrateful! Anyway, she ended up within the clinic and needed to have her foot amputated. I most of the time will have to have felt unhealthy, however I simply suggestion it used to be quite humorous.

Answer 8

Go and be happy for her. Some people
were just raised poorly and don't know the proper way to do things. If the topic is ever brought up, tell her what you think. But this is her special time--if you don't like it then don't go to the ceremony.

Answer 9

Wow who are we to say anyhting!!! we only have a small ammount of info, But surely if she is poor then its ok I guess, but if she is not strapped for cash which it seems she is not then its not good. She has acted selfishly, as a Christian this is not good practice among brothers and sisters as it is dicouraging to everyone im sure its not that you hate her, but maybe you should be brave and talk to her about it, you are a women so your one step ahead of the men, who would say nothing, so I guess you should prepare your self to tell her the facts and be gracious with her, it seems she may have some material issues, but who in this day and age does not? except those who depend on the Lord. God bless you I hope it gets sorted out and the tension is removed.

Answer 10

Well--I would just go to her ceremony without a gift, etc just as she did to the other girl. She obviously thinks that this is OK, so let her reap what she sews. I don't blame you one bit for being annoyed. I don't think that this is childish at all.