How would you respond to this wedding drama?

Question

We decided not to do corsages for our wedding. I just think they are an old fashioned tradition and kind of 'fuddy-duddy'. For some reason his brother does not agree at all. My mom asked if we could do without, and his grandmother is glad she doesn't have to wear one. This is what his brother had to say:

"About the flowers..... I didn't mention that to Eric in yesterday's conversation. I asked him about that about a month ago. I asked him why you guys weren't doing them.... Again, not giving my mom, grandmother flowers is disrespectful. This is where Eric came from and not including them in the ceremony is disrespectful. They need to be honored as part of the two families joining together."

How would you respond to that? Or maybe you even think he's right?

When my parents got married, they gave both mothers/grandmothers a rose (that my grandmother still has)... When we got engaged, we both decided that this would be a very meaningful gesture to continue at our wedding. -More so than just a flower pinned to a dress. When Eric told his family that we weren't doing corsages, he didn't mention the rose thing, because I wanted it to be a big surprise to my grandmother. When his brother freaked out about it, I thought it was coming from his mother. So I called her and explained the whole thing and she and his grandmother were fine with it. I guess no one told his "wedding etiquette guru" brother.

Answer 1

Geez. Talk about butting your face in where it doesn't belong.

I think he needs to mind his own business. It would only be disrespectful if you were giving them to your side of the family but not his. Perhaps his mother has her panties in a bunch, and if that is the case, you and your FI need to talk to her.

In the meantime, tell him you are sorry he feels that way, but it is your wedding and you will do as you see fit (diplomatically, of course). Perhaps he doesn't know no one is getting corsages. Explain that you have opted out of corsages but this does not mean the women of the family will not be honored. After all, they will be escorted down the aisle at great fanfare.

Alternatively, you could give each mother a single stemmed flower. Our mothers had corsages, but on my way down the aisle, I stopped, hugged his mom and gave her a tulip with a ribbon around it, then did the same with my mom.

Good luck.

Answer 2

The main thing that I think you should pay attention to about what he said was "this is where Eric comes from". If that is the tradition, and is something that is important in the culture he's from, then that is a good enough reason to do it. Personally, my mother-in-law and my mom would have been perfectly fine without the corsages, but my grandmothers and my stepmom would have read something negative into not being given a corsage. It is a traditional way to honor the women who raised you and your husband to be who you are today.

If I were you, I would find an acceptable way to visibly honor those women. It doesn't have to be a corsage. If you don't like that idea, consider having them each have a long-stem rose to match the wedding theme.

In the Victorian age, flowers were a way of sending a message. The red rose, of course, was for passion and romantic love, but all flowers had a meaning. You may want to use one of these to honor the women who have come before you:

Apple Blossom - promise
Baby's breath - festivity
Black Eyed Susan - encouragement
Camellia - graciousness
Pink carnation - gratitude
Gardenia - joy
Geranium - comfort
Ginger - proud
Gladiolus - strength of character
Holly - domestic happiness
Hydrangea - perseverance
Iris - inspiration
Ivy - fidelity
Jasmine - grace and elegance
Larkspur - beautiful spirit
Casablanca lily - celebration
Lisianthus - calming
Magnolia - dignity (also a symbol of delicate strength
Pansy - loving thoughts
Poppy - consolation
Pink tulip - caring
Violet - faithfulness
Wisteria - steadfast

Basically, I think that if this is not a matter you feel really strongly about, then it would really be best to avoid offending your future in-laws. If you intend to actually stay married for the rest of your life to this guy, then you will have to understand the importance of compromise. These are not people or issues that will go away after the "hard part" (the wedding) is over. These are people you will have to work out deals with to spend holidays with your family and his, who you will have to work out compromises about whether your children are allowed to say up past their bedtime or eat Cookie Crunch cereal for breakfast while they're at Grandma's. Getting some good points when it doesn't bother you now can help them respect you later.

All these little girls on here who are planning a wedding instead of a marriage, thinking that it's all about them and what they want, and anyone else who is effected by it can go to hell, have yet to actually be in a successful marriage. And if deciding to have corsages to keep from offending someone "steals your joy on your special day", I'd worry about what you were actually joyful about.

Answer 3

I'm not sure why your brother in law (to be) is speaking on behalf of his grandmother once she has said that she doesn't want to wear a corsage. I also don't understand how not wearing a corsage is disrespectful and how is this excluding them from the ceremony?

Also, what does he mean "this is where Eric came from"? Do they give corsages to their mom/aunt/grandmother for major holidays (like Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc.)? If for some strange reason corsages are traditionally a big thing for their family, then maybe you should include them.

Personally, I think that your brother in law has an issue beyond the corsages. Eric should talk to him one on one and find out if there is something bothering him and ask him to drop the whole thing.

Also, what does your mother in law have to say about this? If she also does not care about the corsages, then I would definitely let it drop.

All in all, this is your wedding and you should do what you want. Not everyone is going to agree with all of the choices you make for your wedding, but that is just too darn bad for them!

Answer 4

I think you can view this as an opportunity to show your fiance's family how important they are to you. Yes it might be a control issue, and it could be a sign of struggles to come in the future, but symbolism is very important to some people. The corsages symbolize 'honor' and so you should try to come up with another way to show that. Perhaps small, hand held bouquet's would be an option? Or wrist corsages? No having to fiddle with pins, they simply wear them like a bracelet? OR, after you walk up the isle, before you are 'given away' for the ceremony, you could add in a mini-ceremony and make a point of gifting the grandmothers and mothers with their bouquet's or some sort of gift? How more special can you possibly get than doing it in front of a captive audience? Some others may think it's bowing to the brother, but perhaps being nice and showing honor and respect will pay off bigtime down the line???? Besides, won't you feel better knowing you've done something meaningful?

Answer 5

If your mom and grandmother don't care then it shouldn't matter. I don't think it is disrespectful and who made him the know all of etiquette in wedding planning! If you were worried that you hadn't included these women you could have the flower girl/s present them with a small bouquet or rose during the ceremony...that way they would be honored but not have to wear something bulky all night long. Some of those corsages are a bit too overdone these days and it is hard to find an outfit that will accommodate one. Seriously, his brother has nothing to say about it if he isn't paying for it...you can honor them in different ways that are just as good as an outdated corsage;) Good luck to you!

Answer 6

I think the point of corsages is so that the guests of the wedding know who is 'the in crowd' , that being close family and close friends of the family. The corsage or buttoniere shows that they are a member of the wedding party, and are an honored guest. But I have seen too many weddings where what the bride and groom want are completely run roughshod over because of 'tradition'. And at the end of it.. the wedding the bride and groom dreamed of is completely gone.

So if you dont want to do flowers at your wedding, then dont. It isnt his brother's wedding so it isnt his choice. But do find some way of letting everyone know who your honored guests and family members are. Certainly give them preferential seating, or hand a single long stem flower to them either upon arriving or during the ceremony. Just make sure to let them know they mean alot.

Good luck

Answer 7

You don't respond to it at all. Your fiance does.

I don't know why men don't get this! If their family members or friends begin insulting, aggravating, or telling off their fiance or wife, it is their place to step up and stand up for the women! Hello!!!!!!

If the brother told the fiance this and then the fiance told you, your response to the fiance needs to be, "do you feel that way too?". If he does feel that way too, then you need to work that out between the two of you.

If this was originally a joint decision to not have corsages that you both agreed to, then you need to say this to fiance, "We agreed on this decision; you know why we decided this, don't worry about what he thinks. Explain to him and your family why we are not doing corsages."

Then you might consider alternatives for honoring the family members, which is traditional at a wedding. I know it's your day, but the goal is to get the things you two want, without overtly offending anyone if possible.

A lot of my brides have gotten away from corsages because the moms complain about them. They don't want to poke holes in their dresses with pin-on ones, and the wrist ones remind them of prom! So they have ordered small nosegays or bouquets for the moms and grandmas to carry.

If you don't want to do this, just honor them by seating them as part of the ceremony, have their seats on the first pews, or seats, and write a short thank you to them in the program.

You will never be able to please everyone so don't even try. But you must make that man of yours stand up for you and the new family you are creating now, or he never will!

Answer 8

I have to agree with everyone when they say it's your wedding and do what you want. If the ladies not' feel disrespected then, go for it. You might want to run it through the ladies on his side of the family. Let them know that it was both of you who made that decision if it is that was and you don't want to use corsages. You' d rather honor them some other way at the ceremony or reception. I have an Idea. Why don't you have a special table made for those special people at the reception and have them close to the bride and groom table. That way people will notice that they are important.
At my wedding My husband's and my parents were honored by giving us our wedding rings. My mom and dad had his ring and his mom and oldeest brother had my ring (his dad passed away). This was to symblo the unity between our 2 families. At the end of the ceremony we stopped to hug out parents in appreciation his/ mine and I / his.
At the reception our parents were sitting at out table side by side. (It was a long table) Us in the middle of course. And everything went on smoothly.
Just remember, it's your wedding you will honor them as you wish. Not was your brother in law to be wants to impose.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

Don't do the corsages, stick to your guns.

You could do something else special for them... if they want flowers that bad, do a small pin for their dresses or something. Or just a gift.

Honestly, I don't think anything but flowers is going to appease them, if they want flowers, just do something different than a corsage.

Or *maybe* it's all the brothers drama. Maybe he's blowing the whole thing out of proportion! Have you spoken directly to his mom and grandmother?

Answer 10

Maybe he is right and maybe he isn't, but the bottom line is... do you want to choose THIS as something to put your foot down on? They are just flowers! If the majority of the families would feel slighted, then just do it. It's not going to negatively affect your wedding, and it IS a gesture of recognition and respect. If just those TWO ladies don't want a coursage, find an alternative for them.. a wrist coursage, a flower in the hair... It distinguishes the immediate family members from the rest of the guests. Not everyone in attendance will know who is who.

Personally, I would go with the option that offends the least amount of people and try to avoid starting a war with any of my future in-laws.

Remember to choose your battles wisely. Is it wise to fight over flowers?