my b/f has grown up with a verbally abusive mom, i have been with him 3 years and everyday she degrades him and says horrible things to him...he is 20 and jobless so this just fuels her fire and gives you more horrible things to say...i tell him get a job and leave and he agrees but dosent do it...she has kicked him out for no reason but he always goes back...its like he hates her but cant leave...shes a achohlic and a horrible person i cut my relationship with her but he just wont leave...i finally told him today when hes going to cut his umbilical cord and he just dosent get it...i love him and he is so great to me, we just have this one huge problem she is horrible to him and managed to brain wash him into staying and not better himself. what can i do? breaking up is not a option...i just want him to see what i see...i want him to stick up for his self and leave even if it meens sleeping in his friend garage for awhile...why would anyone want to stay?
2007-06-13 06:40:54 · 5 answers · asked by lovely 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Every relationship is a complex dynamic. You are jumping into the situation after it has started. It may be easier to judge from an objective "outside" perspective.
He must get something from this complex relationship. Clearly he is stunted and unable to leave on his own. If I were you I would stop linking the job to moving out. If he wanted to leave he could find a way, some part of him wants to stay. I would say (from the little information I have) that he probably has low self-esteem and is scared to be out alone. This life is all he knows.
Until he achieves some success for himself he will probably never get the confidence to leave. Linking the job to the moving is really scary - he might avoid work simply so he doesn't have to face the thought of leaving. I would simply stop talking about it completely. You have inadvertently put him into the position of taking a side against his mother. She has been impacting his behavior for his entire life. The only way he is ever going to break free of her is if he starts doing things that will foster independence on his own.
If you are involved with the process he will not be able to grow from it. You can not control someone else's behavior. I would simply back off and try to spend more time around other people who have made healthier life choices. I am not implying that it is your fault, I am sure his mother is to blame but you can’t change her behavior. He needs to see the difference for himself.
This will probably be a really long process. Decide if you are willing to live like this forever, as it seems possible. He could benefit from counseling.
2007-06-13 08:49:17 · answer #1 · answered by Laurie W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have two options.
1. Break up with him.
2. Wait it out.
You, yourself, say #1 is not an option, but #2 is going to be tough. There is no guarantee he will EVER cut the umbilical cord. Why? Guilt. Fear. Love. You name it. Unfortunately, you CAN'T make him stand up and leave. Only he can do that. You can encourage him. You can make ultimatums. In the end, however, he'll decide to do it or he will not. Frankly, although sometimes it works out and the guy finally comes to his senses and makes the move, honestly your odds are best taking option #1.
I do have one other possible solution, though: couples' counseling. Sometimes an intelligent, professional, objective point-of-view will help someone see the light. It is worth a try. Good luck!
2007-06-13 06:48:09 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
this is just my opinion but it sounds like he is a loser sorry to be so blunt. If his life is so horrible because of his mother he is only making it worse by drinking and sitting on his butt all day. Truthfully why would you want to be with someone that is 20 years old and has no job, I can understand living at home while 20 years old and see nothing wrong with that but his butt needs to get a job
2007-06-13 08:42:35 · answer #3 · answered by Allison 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No offense, but do you think the reason his mom is such a "horrible person" to him is because he's 20 years old, living at home and has no job?
She probably wants him out more than you do.
I'd say the problem is more him than his mom.
weeder
2007-06-13 07:49:33 · answer #4 · answered by weeder 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He lives there rent-free, doesn't have to work or be responsible. He won't leave. He'll stay as long as she will let him, or until you get a place and he can move in with you. I would find it very difficult to have any respect for him. He probably thinks a little harrassment and lip from mom is a small price to pay to have a rent-free place to stay, free food, and not have to work. Open your eyes.
2007-06-13 07:07:30 · answer #5 · answered by Lotus 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋