Should step-parents be allowed to discipline?

Question

or do you feel thats something the natural parents should do?

I feel step-parents should stay out of it. I am not divorced but unfortunately grew up in a broken home and took alot of crap from a wacko step mother that ruined my relationship with my dad. I never want my child to go through that. I understand that you can't let kids run over you but I feel that only the natural parents deserve the right to call the shots on discipline since they created the child together. What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

I couldn't agree more with your take. Your right on the money. Your childhood is a prime example of why I don't think divorced parents should remarry. Think of all the crap you went through with your parents divorcing, then all the more crap with your wacko step mother. Divorce is a horrible thing for a child to go through, but the remarriage of your father, to this person (can't think of anything nice to say) only made your childhood worse. As a result you now don't speak with your father, I don't blame you. A sad turn for the worse for a father/son relationship which could have been prevented by an adult.

Now, if the above mentioned is not followed, and divorced parents remarry. Your right again, step parents should leave 99% of the discipline up to the natural parent. IMO a step parent's role should be that of a positive male, or female influence. They should tech them leadership, by their actions, maybe try and befriend them, give them a shoulder to cry on when needed. If the child gets in trouble, they need to turn to the natural parent, in most cases.

I'd also say 99% of step parents won't agree with me. My response is - They put themselves into this situation by marring someone w/children. If they followed my first rule, they wouldn't even be in the situation.

My first thought ALWAYS is with the children. I only with others felt the same

Good Luck

PS, hope you and your father might work things out in the future.


Just wanted to add, I think Sarah's situation is different then what I am preaching, she pretty much adopted her husband's child, and thinks of the baby as her own. So Sarah, if you read this, it's not directed in any way at you :)

Answer 2

I am a step mother to a 7 year old boy. I am bascially the one who raises him and takes care of him because his father works 24/7. His real mother doesn't "discipline" him and lets him do whatever he wants when he wants. When he is at our home, he knows he has to abide by our rules.. If he breaks the rules, he knows there are consequences for those actions.. I don't beat him, so don't get me wrong.. I will however put him in the corner, make him go to bed early, take toys and snacks away from him, and spank him if the need arises.. I grew up in a family where our father spanked us with a belt every single time we did something wrong.. it wasn't a broken home but there were times i feared my father. I know when enough is enough.. I know when I need to go in the room and take "a breather" to calm down.. my theory is this... if the step parent has an active role in the childs life and the upbringing of the child, the step parent has the right to discipline the child. It would be the same as the child going to a grandparents home or an aunt and uncles home. If they were to misbehave, they would be disciplined. That is my theory.. though different from yours... What are your thoughts on that?

Answer 3

I believe that if the child lives with you, either full or part time, then yes the step-parent has every right to discipline them. When I first moved in with my husband my kids thought that the only person they had to listen to was me. My husband would tell the kids to do something, like chores or homework and they would look at me before they'd do anything. I quickly put a stop to that. If the step parent is part of the household and raising the kids then how are they any different than a "real" parent? Why have any rules at all if only one person can enforce them? "Real" mom or dad isn't always going to be home, so does that meant the kids can run wild? Not in my house.

Answer 4

I have a step daughter who lives with us more than half of the time, and she is 13. When she is with us, she lives by exactly the same rules as the other 3 kids do, and she is subject to the same punishment the others are if the rules are not followed. I would never hit her...but then I don't hit any of my other kids either. I don't shout at her...but then I don't shout at my other kids either. I do hug her and praise her as much as I do the other kids.

I decided when I married her dad (when she was 3) that I would never treat her like a stepchild, and I don't believe I ever have. Her mother and I are good friends as a result of it, and the 3 of us (her mom, my husband and I) spend a lot of time talking about our daughter and how to correctly raise her. If I was involved in the good stuff, but never the discipline, what kind of parent would I be?

I think that a hands-off step parent should just change their title to "friend", as the word "parent" then becomes an oxymoron.

Answer 5

This question could be answered both ways, really. I think that it would depend on the situation at hand. My step-son lives with us full time. My husband has full custody of him and he is with me while my husband is at work. I feel that I have the right to discipline him when he does something wrong just as I discipline my own kids when they do wrong. I don't agree with saying to him "Wait until your dad gets home so he can discipline you". By the time my husband gets home, my stepson may or may not forget why he's being disciplined and the discipline will be less effective many hours later. Bascially, if the child does something that he/she needs to be disciplined for then it really shouldn't matter whether it is the parent, stepparent, grandparent, school or daycare.

Answer 6

When the child is already well aware of the people in his life (i.e. 5 years and over), the couple should agree that the biological parent will be the disciplinarian. If a stepparent comes into the picture when the child is say an infant or toddler, the stepparent oftentimes accepts the child as his/her own and the child will see this person as Mom or Dad. In such a situation, the couple is in a better position to share the responsibility of discipline. In either case, the couple has to agree to support the decision of the one who imposed the consequence(s).

Answer 7

As a child who grew up with step parents the best thing I can say is this... Step parents should have some kind of authority but they need to respect and follow the way both natural parents dicipline. Eventhough the parents live in different homes consistency is key to diciplining a child so they should have the same basic rules and the step parent should follow suit.

Answer 8

I am a step-parent and my step-son lives with us full time, I discipline him just as his dad would, I am fair and give many warnings first and 90 percent of the time it is only time out or taking a toy away, the other 10 percent is a lil tap on the butt. I do agree with you some what tho, some step-parents hate the step-children just because of the bio-parent and so they treat them badly and treat there own child better. That is wrong on so many levels, all my children step or not will be treated as equals. But like I said I agree with you a bit.

Answer 9

i totally feel you. i have the same problem with my dad. it has been 20 years of hell. My step mom is a maniac. Dad is whupped and scared of Divor$e.The whole family has turned on his wife. Both my brothers refuse to go back to their home b/c of her crazy rules and mad woman ways
I think the natural parent should be the disciplinarian 80% of the time. Step parent playing out more of a supportive role, 20% of the times The step parent CANNOT be the shot caller. For some reason, probably because the step child is not their own. kid but some step parents lack a sense of compassion.

Answer 10

Sorry your stepmother caused you such grief.

I do feel though that stepparents have the right to discipline,
but guidelines should be made by parents has to what the punishments should be.

If you are going to live with a child they have to know that they are not able to pit parents against each other. I think the natural parents and step parents should sit down together & set some rules so when the child(ren) are with the stepparent alone kaos does not reign. Also, this will help prevent the child(ren) from thinking they can use parents against each other and the parents from using them as weapons.