I had a child who doesn't know I'm her real dad but its not that simple, read on?

Question

Ive had a crazy mad life, but that was then!!
When I was about 17 I became addicted to heroin and messed the whole of my life up right through to being 41. unlike many, I managed to totaly escape and get off it,Ive been off 4 years now, anyway that's another story.
While I was using heroin i had sex with a girl who became pregnant, she had an on off relationship with someone who was stable and didn't take drugs. He had no reason to belive that the child wasn't his and I had every reason not to make him aware, I couldn't have been a good dad to save my life, it wouldn't have been fair on her, him or my daughter. Only the Mother and me really know that I'm the dad.
I'm not thinking of disrupting anyones life by saying anything and after stopping drugs for over four years now I do think about her a lot.
I don't have any other kids and I suppose I wish I could just see her without letting anyone know or hurting anyone.
What do you think

Answer 1

you will only cause hurt and confussion if you reveal your identity and to be honest how sure are you that HE isn't the dad??? That little girl's life will be turned upside down if you suddenly turn up. If you can leave well enough alone. You are on the verge of destroying 3 people's lives and your own if it all goes pear shaped. Because you are feeling alone now and need to settle down is the reason you are thinking about this little girl. You really have no claim to her if you think about it...let it rest unti and only IF she finds out....is your name on the birth certificate??

Answer 2

First...Many Congrads on kicking the heroin. 20 years of use -That in its self is unbelievable!

My first concern is have you thought about how you will be received by mom, dad, daughter & don't forget both sides of the family. That alone may answer your queston.

Second, you never said if they married or not. If they never did then this opens a wider door.

I would have to say that if they married and he raised your child for you that you should let it be. That is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do and for you to just walk in and say, "I'm the real dad." What a slap in the face. I say this because your daughter has to be 20-24. She is raised and the truth of the matter is dads raise children...you are nothing more here then a sperm donar.

Now, on the other hand you said the relationship was an on/off again relationship. If they never married or he is now gone then I would say that door is open...talk with mom.

Remember that what ever action you take is not only going to effect 3 other people but both sides of the family.

Sometimes if is better to just let dead dogs lie and move on with your life.

Answer 3

It's a good thing that you did by admitting that this other guy was a better role model than you at the time. However, you're right that by speaking up now there could be quite alot of upset. Is it possible for you to contact the mother discreetly? If you are really serious about this and you want to play a positive role in this child's life, then you need to go through the right channels, so you may need legal advice at some point - citizens advice is a good starting point. Make sure everyone involved understands that you're not going to take anyone's place, you'd just like a chance. There's no way you can see this girl without telling her who you really are and I think she has a right to know. You just need to be careful and respectful about how you approach things.
Good luck.

Answer 4

My only thought for you is, that if you are still in contact with the mother, try to talk to her about it, and maybe meet somewhere one day so that you and child can be introduced, it isnt absolutely necessary that the child be told anything, except that you are friend. (Until such time as she is old enough to understand the concept.) Perhaps in time yourself and the mother could come to an agreement as to when to tell the child.

Otherwise, if you and the mother are no longer in contact, then i guess the best thing to do, is to wait, and hope the mother does the right thing one day. And tells the child. If not you can always have it court appointed (legal paternity tests, custody battle etc.) when and if you are willing to do so.

Before anything is done, please sit down and think about the implications and impact it is likely to have on the child, i myself was raised in a similar situation, and know for a fact how bewildering and confusing it can be, for one so young, to have a man just come out of the blue and say, 'im your dad, come give me a hug', or the such like....

Both of you need to think about all actions, and look deeper at where you would like to be relationship wise, with this child 5 or 10 years down the track. Then stick to it, there is nothing worse than daddy coming into you life, than disappearing 6 months or so later, because he cant handle the pressure.

Answer 5

.................Words of Wisdom ......................
.................from my grandma...........................
"IF PEOPLE DIDN'T MAKE MISTAKES, THEY WOULDN'T PUT ERASERS ON PENCILS!"
...................................................................
You are right you weren't ready to be a father. I think you are now. Look at this situation from logic........First 2 people made the mistake
1 had serious dependence issues. This situation has been has been made from bad to worse and quite frankly the worse was from the other side... The girl had no right to deceive anyone.........and now the non biological father has been deceived, more importantly so has the child.! That child had and still HAS every right to know her biological father. No matter how late in life it is.
My suggestion.....go to the girl explain your life change make her see the necessity of telling her husband the truth and the 3 of you need to go for counseling to resolve the matter, on how to tell the child. Then all of you need some counseling on dealing with the whole situation in order not to disrupt lives and families anymore than necessary. If this comes out when the child is older and trust me it will. She will be more devastated when she finds out 'Everyone' withheld the truth from her.

If I were you approach the mother first and expect resistance, muster up every ounce of understanding but don't give in.
My granddaughter is in a similar situation only see does know her dad and she knows why she doesn't see him and she knows that when she is old enough to decide what she wants to do, that it will be HER decision. Unfortunately her dad 48 or 49 years old is still on the drugs.

I wish you good luck and please do some serious praying.

Answer 6

I think you should have a word with the mother.

I'm not in a position to say much because I know you must feel bad and the pull in your heart is painful. Whatever is best for the child is most important. Write your feeling down on paper, send the letters back to yourself and leave them unopened for the day your 'daughter' finds out about you and comes to you. Your letters will be proof that you cared.

By the way, congratulations on your strength and determination to get off the drugs and turn your life around.

Answer 7

I have went through something similar. I had a child by my boyfriend at the time. Turns out that he was very unstable. He got on drugs(behind my back, never in front of me) started committing crimes and was in and out of prison for the first 15 years of my sons life. I never kept him from seeing my son but, he never made an effort. He waited 15 years to decided to see him. I had married when my son was 1 years old so my husband raised his step son as his own. Someone in the family decided to tell my son that my husband wasn't his real father. His life has been chaotic ever since. Let her find you!!!!!! By the way this man got off from paying child support for 18 years. He was and is nothing in my sons life. It's not about you and what you want. Please leave this child alone until she is ready. Of course if you are wanting to help support this child and be apart of her life that's different. My sons real father just wanted the Title of dad but none of the responsibility.

Answer 8

There isn't a right answer to this difficult question.
Congratulations on getting off the heroin, a real achievement which you must never let go of.
Have you thought of getting independant advice from professionals? Maybe even counselling.
Have you spoken to her (your daughters) Mum about this, that might be a good place to start or even another family member if you are still in touch.
Good luck

Answer 9

well let me just congratulate for your success, you are finally clean, we all do stupid things in our lives and drugs is the main element, it destroys lives i am glad that you don't want to ruin things for your ex, but it must be hard for you to actually keep this a secret, sooner or later the truth will come out (or maybe not), now that you have a clear mind things will come flooding back because when your on drugs such as heroin it makes you not care about anything and you become very selfish....the best thing to do is to keep things as they are in case this upsets your daughter and ruins the relationship your ex has....i admire anyone who comes off heavy drugs and i hold my hands up to you....WELL DONE YOU...try and make the rest of your life as worthwhile as possible...you have missed out on so much in the past because drugs have ruled your life....is it possible that you could see your ex and ask her if you can see your girl, i'm sure she'd be in her early 20's by now? she may not like the idea of it, but in reality, she is your daughter, if she says no then i think that you should move on and try and make life better for yourself...maybe meet someone and settle down....i cannot offer you any more advice than this but i still admire you for your strength and understanding towards your ex and your girl...good luck with everything else that you do in your life....

Answer 10

That is a very hard question and I feel very sorry for you!!
I don't have a daughter or any kids as a matter of fact but if she is over eighteen I think you have every right to alert her that she has a real biological father. The fact that you are off the drugs now shows you are a better person.

Answer 11

Your daughter is about 23 now. Your girlfriend got pregnant when you were 17, so she would have given birth when you were about 18, and you are 41 now. I think 23 is old enough to know the truth.

I am 57 and just found out for sure that I was adopted, but I suspected since childhood. If I had not suspected, I would be really, really upset right now! As it is, I'm upset that my parents are dead and I can't tell them how unfair it was that I didn't know that I was adopted, because now I might never find my real parents, who might be dead or might still be alive, but I have NO information in order to find them.

Only once did an aunt accidentally reveal "the secret" to an older cousin's wife, then she said, "Oh, that's supposed to be a secret. Don't tell anybody. I shouldn't have said anything," and then they all got very quiet. So she never told me anything either. Nobody said anything for 57 years, and if it hadn't been for health reasons, I never would have found out! But I suspected since childhood, and I have been tormented, thinking I would go to my grave never knowing for sure, and sometimes I thought I was crazy for even thinking I might have been adopted. But I wasn't crazy. I was right the whole time!

Also, I might have a twin. Here's the explanation. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArDilOJUbeQCgq.10mac1wLsy6IX?qid=20070610185131AAJAX8h

Anyway, I don't care if my birth mother turns out to be a drunken hooker who hates kids. I'd like to meet her at least once, and then both of us would have to decide if we want to try to have a relationship or not. However, I'd like to KNOW who my birth parents are/were, and meet them at least once. I have a right to know! By God, if not by law.


I've always wanted a sister, and if I have one, I'd like to meet her, too.

Those of you who are not adopted, you don't know what the daughter would want. (I don't know either; everyone is different.) If she knows the truth, she is old enough to decide if she wants to meet her birth father or not. If she doesn't know the truth, it's about time she does! She deserves to know the truth, and it's up to her, what she wants to do about the information. If the man who took care of her was a good father, this will not hurt their relationship.



Lies can hurt! I have medical problems that MIGHT have been easier if I had known they were in my history and I'd have gotten treatment sooner for the right condition.

My children and grandchildren have a right to know their medical background, too, and generations to come!

Congratulations on turning your life around. Perhaps a family friend knows if she has been told the truth, and can ask if she wants to meet you. It's worth a try, IMO, but don't push it. Give her time. Write a letter explaining how messed up you were and how you're doing now. Maybe her mother will even be willing to give it to her.


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