My mother is disrespecting me...What can I do? In previous questions, I have outlined my situation with my?

Question

mother. Last month, she refused to come to my daughter's fifth birthday party because my dad (her ex-husband) was going to be there. Keep in mind that their divorce occured 16 years ago. Days before the party, she sent me an email that basically stated that I was deliberately leaving her out and that my dad and I could laugh about the fact that she would not be there. She said I had no idea of the stuff that he had gotten away with in the divorce. When I attempted to call her and talk rationally, she flew into a rage and eventually hung up on me. She has pretty much refused to speak with me since (this was about two weeks ago now). The problem is that my daughter spends a lot of time with her. And is planning to spend two weeks with her in the summer to attend swim lessons. I do not want to deny my daughter that, but I do not want my mother to think that she is allowed to treat me like this.....What can I do?

My mother called this morning to talk to my daughter and then when I got on the phone she refused to talk to me and hung up. What can I do?

Answer 1

Sounds like Mom is a few bricks shy of a load. I wouldn't let my kid stay with anyone so emotionally unstable, grandma or not.

Answer 2

oh my god I can definetely relate! I am 22 years old, my parents have been divorced since I was two, and my mom still harbors negative feelings for him to this day. She curses him when he is not around, and the few times he has come to our state to visit she was very unwelcoming. She even brings up thing that happened before I was born.
It hurts me that she can act this way and that they cannot have peace. It is also a bit embarrasing and frustrated. When I ask her not to speak this way of him, she goes off on me too!

So anyway, she is afterall your mom and you do have to deal with her. I would avoid any conversation that could bring him up and influence her to say anything bad. The less the better.
I could go on for hours about how this has affected me. She even cut off ties with my godmother because she and my dad found out something important before the did.
I think both out moms have some unresolved issues, so the best think that I have done it simply avoid certain situations as much as possible. I would never want to teach my child to hate or dislike, no matter what. It can be very trying to deal with that type of person but we must make the best of the hands we are given in life. Best of luck and I pray that the situation gets better. She will see the error of her ways in due time.

Answer 3

Your mother never properly grieved over the loss of her marriage and is still dealing with the repercussions. While her immaturity is a pain in the behind, its her problem, don't make it yours. Your mom probably feels like you should be taking her side and is punishing you for not doing so. My advice is to not get into arguments with her, refuse to discuss their marriage and divorce. Tell her it is not any of your business and it makes you sad. Tell her that you do not want to ever discuss it again, and then do so. If you have to cut her off in mid sentence then do so. Do NOT allow yourself to be held hostage by her tantrums. If she doesn't show at birthdays, then tell her that you'll miss her but its her choice. Same thing for the stuff your daughter does. If she wants to punish you through your daughter, then don't allow it. I would call her and just ask her about the summer visit plans like nothing happened. Keep your stuff with your mom separate from your daughters stuff with your mom. However don't let her get away with talking to your daughter about this, tell her that adult issues are off limits. Your mom can treat you any way she wants, but its up to you to be the grown up and pick your battles. Don't put your daughter in the middle, her relationship with her grandmother has nothing to do with you.

Answer 4

This is a tricky one! Sounds to me that your mom has a bit of an issue with control. She also wants you to be sympathetic to her problems; ie: on her side. When you have children, it all becomes about them and trying to raise them in a stable environment. It seems as though you are trying to include both of your parents in your daughter's life. Your mom on the other hand, is making the whole situation about her. For a woman of her age, this is completely childish and self-centered. She should be able to get past her issues with her ex, and do what's right for her grand-daughter. You would more or less expect a temper tantrum to come from your daughter and not your mother. It also appears that you don't have any tools on how to cope with your mom's outbursts. There is a great book on the market called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. The book is written with religious overtones, but religion aside, it is a fantastic book and teaches you how to handle issues like yours, such as not allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated by others, including family. Perhaps your mom could do with a copy so she can learn what behavior is & isn't acceptable. You could also email her and tell her that her behavior is out of line, and that her feelings about her ex-husband are her own insecurities, and that whatever happened between your mom and dad should stay between them, for the sake of their grand-child/ren. This way she can't hang up on you, and you can gauge where you stand with the 2 week holiday. Another thing is, your daughter is going to be quite impressionable for some years to come. You need to work out whether your mom is going to be toxic for your daughter. You don't want your daughter trying to be responsible for your mother's emotional well-being. Good luck, hope all works out well :)

Answer 5

Simply remind your mother that she is the one that is divorced from your father NOT YOU! What she lost or is holding a grudge about is NOT your problem. Remind her that if SHE decides not to attend your daughters birthday party that you are sorry SHE chose not to come. Let her contact you about your daughters summer two weeks vacation with her (I am sure she will break her silence). Allow the daughter to go and refuse to rehash HER decision not to attend the party. She is not disrespecting you she is trying to control you and make you hate your father. This is very typical of ex wives. You keep acting nice and if she wants to act like a child there is nothing you can do about it, we only have control of our own actions.

Answer 6

If you want your daughter to be poisoned by your mothers insecurities and jealousy as well as mental issues by all means let her go. If you cant talk since to her it may be time to put some distance between her and your family. It isn't taking sides it is protecting your child's future and well being.

Answer 7

Your mother is still feeling very vulnerable and hurt after the divorce.It soundslike you need to talk to her.Talk your mother into some kimd of counselling to help her overcome the death of her marriage.