Cancer, makeup, earrings, fathers attitude, devastated Sarah can't sleep. Can anyone give an honest opinion?

Question

I lost my hair to chemotherapy. I don’t wear the wig because it hangs wrong, and I think it makes me look like a man with a woman’s wig. I was always jeans and T-shirt. I loved those clothes because you can do just anything in them.
Having no hair just makes you want to do something to make yourself look more ‘girlie’ – you somehow feel your feminine side had been stolen away and you want it back. Now I wear either skirt and blouse, or if going for a walk on a good day, jeans and blouse, I wear a lot more makeup, and have had my ears pierced
I went to see my father yesterday, he hasn't been to see me since I have been ill, so I had to make the effort. He flew off the handle. War paint, earrings, short skirt (it is actually below the knee) - Sarah, you look like a f**king common sl*t.
I've spent the last 2 night crying my eyes out. I have virtually no sleep for 2 days. I can cope emotionally with the cancer, but not this.

Am I a weak person or would anyone be like a nervous wreck?

Thank you so much. I can't pick the best answer as there are too many good ones.

You had me in tears, but they were happy ones this time.

It seems that what I have been doing is exactly the same as others have done. I especially identified with what Complex said, pretty much word for word, and Shocking Oyster, you are a professional and you think I am being normal, even admirable.

You have no idea how much this means to me.

I am not going to cut off my father, he is my da and I do love him. But I will see him on my terms now, when I feel up to it. If that takes me 6 months, then fine.

I am off tomorrow to get a navy blue skirt, a pale blue blouse, and a nice cute pair of earrings - i think I'll go for sapphire flower studs, not huge, just enough to be noticable.

Satuday night, I will hit Belfast like never before - well actually probably have a meal then get a taxi home to sleep it off!

Answer 1

So sorry to hear about the insensitivity of your father.

Family members and friends often have very strange reactions to cancer and its effects on us.

You are not a weak person. Your father is weak for going off on you. I am so sorry that he said these things to you. If it makes you feel better you might want to tell him how much he hurt you.

Also there are some great and feminine headcoverings on headcovers.com I have had cancer twice and bought some really cute stuff from there. Some are not very expensive, either. The web site doesn't seem to be up right now but I have bought something from their recently.

Hugs

Answer 2

I can imagine how that hurt you after going through all you have gone through.

Sadly, your father is a classic abuser and you need to realize the symptoms and how they have effected you so that you can move on feeling good in your life and begin to have a proper self image, which is not dependent on this person's input or the input from any other abuser.

When my hair went and I again felt up to it, it feels so good to do makeup and wear skirts and dresses and just very girlie things. I choose not to wear a wig but love the makeup as usual, and big earrings. :) There's nothing wrong with you sweetie. Don't allow your father to make you think otherwise, not for a second.

Nobody can fix an abuser or change their toxic attitudes, but we can help ourselves to recognize the warning signs and stear clear of them, even if they are our parents. True parents should be loving you and supporting you gently during this hard time. When you leave them you should feel better about yourself, not worse. It's ok to avoid a toxic loved one.

Answer 3

OK, relax, breathe.

Do you think realistically that your father could be afraid? Fear can show itself different ways.
You said he hadn't been to see you since you got sick. You went to see him, he didn't go to see you?

I've had lymphoma for many years and understand the need to look and feel feminine.
Bigger earrings, whatever. Try pretty scarves and hats if you don't like the wig.

Go for smoky eyeliner, brings out the color and size of the eyes instead of lots of eyeshadow.

You do what you have to do to get through this. That's the only thing that matters-screw everything and everyone else. This is selfish time now.

You aren't a weak person because a weak person wouldn't be dealing as well.

Sometimes we need people we can relate to at times like this. Consider a support group. There are few people who can understand what you are going through except for those going through the same thing.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

Honey I feel for you ,my sister-in-law just went through her cancer 2 years ago, and she is a very christian women. She is 46 years old and doing great. It took her a little while for her hair to grow back in, but she was extremely happy just to get through the chemotherapy and the pains in her legs were very very painfull, but she just believed in God and she had her brother and I. I would help her out when she had to take showers and things like that. She all the time would go without her wig and just wear a hat and she would get the stairs and you could tell people were talking about her but she held her head high and just went on with her life and would not let it bother her, thats what I thought sometimes I would hear her cry in her room, I would go in and comfort her and cry with her sometimes. What I am trying to say is HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH AND DON'T LET PEOPLE HURT YOU LIKE THAT !! God is with you all the time and I will pray for you too. Your father had no right to say that to you and he should of been with you through all of this, in my book he just could not face his little girl being sick like that and he took it out on you the wrong way. Just try and forgive him and GET SOME SLEEP YOU DESERVE IT 1000% . You are not a weak person you have gotten this far. Dress whatever way makes you feel good inside and you can get through this. Do you have any friends that you can go out and have dinner with or go to a movies with. Or just treat yourself to a manicure and peticure. Don't let no one bring you down, when I was in school people always made fun of me because I have a very small breast size, 34a, and I am proud of my size, the way I see it, if you don't like what you are looking at turn your head. I hope I have been a little helpfull. Maybe I was lucky to grow up without a dad, I don't know? May GOD be with you and give you the strength to tell your father that he hurt your feelings and he should have been there for you. Your in my prays and others will be too, I promise. Sherri l

Answer 5

Dear Sarah,
I think you're right and you father is wrong. No, I don't think you're a weak person. You've got a lot on your plate. The way you're coping with you treatment is admirable. Doing something to "jazz up" your appearance is very normal and helathy, especially for a girl, and guess what - DOCTORS ACTUALLY RECOMMEND THAT, because it improves morale and therefore the outcome of your treatment. I'm a chemotherapy nurse, you can tell your father - as a health care professional who treats cancer patients daily, I approve of what you're doing and wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

Your father should be part of your emotional support system at this time in your life, it is very wrong of him to lash out at you. I have had cancer and know how badly one can feel when you are completely bald. It's alright to dress up however way you desire, anything to get you through your illness is a good thing. If you wish to continue communicating with your father, tell him that as long as he continues to insult you, you can not see him. Your needs should be first right now over anyone else's.

Answer 7

i am so sorry to hear how rude ur father has been to you. i know you are going through a hard time with this, this is very depressing. I really wish he didnt do that to you especially when it seems like your trying to reagain self esteem after "looking like a guy". your just a normal beautiful woman with a diesease. he shouldnt treat you any different just because of the way you look he honestly isnt being a nice father and im am so sorry and i will pray for you. good luck hope evrything turns out to be ok. Lots of love and hope !

Answer 8

Sarah, I tell you....when you are diagnosed with something like cancer, it's hard to make time for people who do a damn good job of bringing you down. I saw someone say that maybe that is how he is dealing with his pain, but excuse me...who is the one going through treatments? Who has lost their hair? Who feels like crap? If I were in your shoes, I would not visit again until I was done with everything Right now you need to focus on getting through each milestone. Shame on your father. I don't care if that is how he deals with things...maybe it's time for him to be less selfish and maybe think about what YOU are going through.

I wish you luck, I have been down that road, and I got through it by thinking "This too shall pass" when things weren't going so well. I will be thinking of you....good luck.

Answer 9

Your father sounds like an angry, selfish person. Sometimes you have to put some distance between you and your parents just for your own sanity. My parents are both mentally ill and very abusive and I haven't seen or talked to either of them in years. I just can't handle them. I'm not saying that you should go the route I did, but you need to decide what's best for you, not what you think you should do.
I'm really sorry you are having such a rough time. Take care of yourself.

Answer 10

You mention he hadn't seen you while you were ill- WHAT???
YOU had to make the effort??? WHAT????
He called you a "f**king common sl*t" WHAT????

I don't care HOW you are related to this pig, but if I was you, I'd cross this guy off my list, FOR GOOD!!!
When a person battles a serious and potentially fatal illness, it is best to surround oneself with POSITIVE, loving people who have a spirit of tenderness and support. You need to be buoyed up, not dragged down.
If my child had cancer, they would need the strength of a herd of wild horses to drag me away from him; yes, even as an adult. I would never dream of saying hurtful things to him or his wife, and would do anything that needed to be done, unhesitatingly. I would CRAWL and claw to get to him if I had to.
I suggest you find an abuse survivor's group to help you stay away from this subhuman sperm donor you call "Dad". You don't deserve that treatment.