Mother's of strong willed children!?

Question

My daughter just turned a year and she is both breastfed and bottle fed. I want to start weaning her from the bottle, then eventually from the breast. The problem is that my daughter is very strong willed. She has always been a horrible sleeper and the only way we can get her to sleep is by nursing or with a bottle. People told me just to let her cry it, so I did and she would cry for three hours at a time. I tried this for two weeks before I gave up. If you are a mother of a child like mine you know first hand how hard any type of change can be. I would like some help making this transition as little stressful (for us both) as possible. I know there will be tears, but I can't do three hours of crying anymore.

I went to the doctor today and she told me my daughter should be weaned from the bottle by 13 months.
Also, thanks for the advise from all you people with strong willed children. You truly understand what I am going through. It is easy to say just throw the bottle away and be the parent, but after weeks/ months of tears then what do you do. I have tried though love and believe me it don't work. My daughter is both strong willed and very sensitive so I have to find a balance.

Answer 1

Hi there,

I'm not sure about your familial condition so as to provide the best suggestion, you know. However, I'll just provide a few points/ facts for you to consider.

The WHO (World Health Organization) recommends that mothers continue breastfeeding for up to two years—while giving complementary foods after four to six months—to improve the nutritional status and health of the baby. I've listed my sources at the bottom, so you may like to check the links out. Each baby is different and each mother must decide for herself and her baby how long to continue breastfeeding.

Also, I would surely recommend you to adopt a *gradual* method of weaning. When a baby is used to breastfeeding for a year, it becomes a habit, you know. How do you break away from a habit? Think about quitting smoking for an example. Can you quit smoking in a day? A habit of any kind take many days to form. Similarly, breaking away with a habit would take a certain transition period, it just can't happen abruptly, you know. I don't know about your situation and plans, but I'd allow six months to gradually lessening the habit of breastfeeding and introducing the concept of weaning. That's what I actually did with my very strong-willed daughter. I planned for a six-month gradual transition period before weaning. I gradually lessened the frequency and duration of breastfeeding, while slowly introduced the concept of sippy cup. I bought story books about the topics of weaning or being a grown up kid etc. and read it to her at bedtime etc. It was like a gradual psychological preparation on her part. Neither her nor I even noticed exactly when she was finally weaned. The transition was so gradual, subtle and without any tears of course.

Babies grow so quick, you know. It wouldn't be long before your child would be attending school. Cherish the delicate memories of breastfeeding as much as you possibly can. Congratulations on being such a caring mother! Wishing you all the best!

P.S.: Just to add some more personal info here -- my baby had the habit of falling asleep at the breast. Her teeth have been always very healthy and in perfect shape. Anyway, she was never on bottle though for milk. We used to offer her water only in bottles.

Answer 2

I am a mother of a strong willed child as well. I have found that there were certain things that I couldn't find a "legitimate" reason for wanting her to do other than it's what "I" wanted. And on those issues, my wants didn't need to supercede her if she wasn't ready. For us one of those such issues was bedtime/nursing/going to sleep alone.

Up until 22 months she would only fall asleep at the breast and then I'd transfer her to her crib. I had tried previously to get change this habit, but she'd have none of it. She wasn't ready to be that independent and the only reason I wanted her to be so independent was for my convenience. Which was quite selfish on my part. So...I waited a few more months and we'd try again. Finally right around 22 months she seemed to be ready and has accepted the transition easily w/ little to no crying. But the key was for me to wait until she was ready.

You may not be able to wait. There may be very valid reasons that she needs to go to sleep w/o nursing for your family. However, if it's just that you want her to, you might want to see if you can't wait a few more months. Kids transition much more easily when they are ready and if we give them their time. But that's not always possible.

I would also advise you to pay close attention to if she starts to develop any funny quirks when you wean her (ie pulling out her hair, scratching herself, etc). Some children are so un-ready to wean that they deal w/ the trauma of the seperation in very unhealthy ways (pulling out of hair, scratching self, etc.).

Good luck. It's so hard to have a strong-willed child!

Answer 3

I have a truly strong willed child and it sounds like you do too. Most people don't understand what that means. They think that ordinary parenting advice will work and if not it's because you aren't doing it right. I can't tell you what to do but I have gotten through three with a very strong willed boy. I find the only way to deal with him is to be more strong willed than he is. Yes we did go through a week of screaming 2 1/2, 3 hrs for him to get to sleep at night but now he goes to bed and goes to sleep with no further comment on the subject. I know this is beyond nerve wracking to do and I know others will think I am cruel. I started out trying to be kind and I kept going to him and soothing him. I came to realize that everytime I enforced the image of I scream mommy comes and gets me he was going to do it more. If I let him scream for an hour and then gave in the next night he knew it would be at least an hour before he broke me so he was prepared to go that long and longer. I have the advantage of being a strong willed child myself and now I sort of go at parenting as "I will be damned if my child is going to dictate to me". I know this sounds vicious but I have found that that attitude means that I will correct behavior before it becomes a problem. Because it can become a very big problem. And this means that I have alot more time to spend loving my son and playing with him instead of waging little battles all the time. So ,unpopular though this advice may be,go to war and fight until you win so you don't have little battles constantly for the rest of her life.

Answer 4

OK-first-letting your baby cry for three hours is NOT a good idea. All babies wake in the night-some more than others-and nursing and cuddling is a great source of comfort for them. Anyone who tells you to let her cry is woefully misinformed. Weaning needs to be gradual-and ideally the night nursing should be the last feeding to go. I am not trying to criticize your parenting style- I know you are frustrated with your current situation. Check out the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and "Doctor Sear's The Baby Book" for some tips on smoothing this transition for your little one. Good luck.

Answer 5

I feel I made the mistake of giving my daughter a bottle too early and then I was left pumping all time. I really wish I could help but when babies start out with a certain habit and it lasts a year it has become a so called imprint in their memory. You might just have to try and not put her to bed at a certain time and let her tired out. You know feed her outside of the bedroom and hangout. That is what I do and my little one just goes to bed between 10pm and 11pm and eats till she is asleep or eats and stays up for a bit. I thinks our kids teach us more than we teach them. Don't stress about it or it will start making you feel like you are a bad mother.

Answer 6

I have a two year old that won't sleep on her own. I suggest this to you: Just use the bottle with milk at night. Rock her until very tired. Then place her in the crib (even witht he bottle if you must), and rub her back or tummy. She will cry and then wimper but you haven't left. Keep this up. She may like it and you are not rocking to sleep. You can work on letting go more after that. it sounds like she wants to cuddle you. Mine could cry for days and it would break my heart. Until this day, i have to lay next to her for her to sleep.

Answer 7

Well, I know for a fact that if you do not break her of drinking form a bottle, she wil lget what is called baby bottle mouth. What happens is that the milk that is in the bottle stays on her gums and teeth after she drinks it, and the milk, whether it be breast or bottle has sugar in it. What I did to break my duaghter was that I gave her a small bottle of water to drink at night. Then after about a week, I just took it from her. She cried and threw a fit, but I didn't care. Yeah I lost some sleep over it, But I was in the Army at the time, and my husband was deployed. And on top of it my son had seperation anxiety. So, momma, I support you fully. And I know exactly what you are going through. But let me just tell you one thing without sounding too rude, be the parent and put your foot down. I know she is only a baby, but children and babies alike learn quickly. And if yo ulet them push around early, it will be harder to stop as they get older. I know, I let my son do it out of guilt for being in the Army. It was a hard 2-3 years to break him of it, but it has paid off.
Also, I have a neighbor whose daughter still sucks on a paicifer at the age of 3.5, and her teeth grew in like a wave. they kinda look like they are stuck up in her gums higher than the rest of her mouth. i thin kthat the pacifier manipulated the growth of her teeth. And a new neighbor of mine, her duaghter is 4 and the front of her mouth, poor child, is disgusting. She has a cap on one, and the other 2-3 are all gray, and half broken, and she drinks out of a sippy cup.
I had no clue about the baby motuh thing until i took my dughter in for her 1 yr baby exam and asked the doctor how come my daughter's tooth grew in missing a chip in the corner, and the other with a tiny hole in it, and he told me to take away the bottle immediately. I hope nothing like happens to your daughter. But if worse comes to worse, always seek answers form a professional pediatrician, especially when dealling with precious little ones. Good luck, and look at the brighter side, at least she knows what she wants, lol.

Answer 8

I would recommend weaning from the breast feeding first. With my son, I did everything in stages. First I switched from breast to bottle, then after a few weeks, I bought a soft top sippy cup. (Walmart sells the best ones, the top is very similar to a bottle.) Then I transitioned him to a hard topped sippy during the day, letting him keep the soft one at night. Now at 20 mos., he still has a hard top sippy cup in his bed, and uses a big boy cup during the day. I don't know if it would work for you, but it has definitely worked for me.

Answer 9

HUGS to you because I have a smiliar child and changes are very upsetting to them. No one except other parents with these kinds of children will understand what you are going through. When they choose to dig their heels in on an issue the "crying it out" approach wont work with children like this.

I wanted to recommend a book to you: "Raising your spirited child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka which I have found so helpful. It really shows you how to see some of their more challenging personality traits as strengths (they will be in the future for them!) and gives you tools to easing them through transitions, etc...

With our daughter - the best thing that works with transitions is just a LOT of ahead of time notice - reading books about the subject, reminding her we will soon be transitioning something, talking a lot about it ahead of time, etc....

Good Luck!

Answer 10

I am mom to 4, each is strong-willed in their own way. Each had something they needed to fall asleep with until they were considerably older than 1. My oldest had a pacifier at night until she was a little over 2 and she gave it up herself. She also woke up 2-3 times a night for a drink of milk or juice or water until she was old enough to get up on her own to get something to drink. Our son had a bottle until he turned 3. He was little back in the day when having a bottle in bed wasn't that big of a deal. When he was about 2 we started giving him only water in his bottle. Our middle daughter was breast fed until she self-weaned at 11 months. She also was a thumb sucker for years. We never did break her of thumb-sucking despite multiple attempts. She had to give it up herself. Our youngest was a surprise addition to our family, born when I was 38, and our other children were 18, 15, and 12. By that time of my life, sleep was VERY important to me. I breast fed her until she self weaned at 14 months. After that she became quite attached to her pacifier and didn't give it up at night until she was 5. I know, it sounds simply horrible, but she didn't walk around with it, she just used it at bed time to fall asleep. She also had a special stuffed kitty with a silky ribbon that she would rub with her finger and along her face and sometimes in her ear. She still has the kitty, but she no longer has to do anything with the ribbon to fall asleep. Crying it out sounds like a good idea unless you are the parent trying to get through it. My kids are now 28, 25, 22, and 9. Despite long-standing aids needed to fall asleep when they were young, they are pretty normal people with no long-lasting side effects. I suggest you keep up the bottle or breast feeding at night for awhile. She may naturally wean herself from both or just one in due time. If you feel there is a real need to wean, start by decreasing the amount in the bottle by an ounce at a time for a few nights, then decrease it by another ounce. In my opinion and experience as a mom for 28 years, crying it out at night just didn't cut it for any of us. Within reason (and I think having a bottle or a nursing before bed at one year old is reasonable), I think there is no harm in letting children have rituals that help them fall asleep. If you can introduce another ritual or two (a special blanket or stuffed animal, lullaby music playing, rocking, reading books, praying etc.) along with the nursing/bottle feeding then when you gradually take away the nursing/bottle feeding there will be another comforting thing to help set the mood for a rest-full night's sleep.