How do I get my 20 year old son to do something with his life?

Question

I have twin boys. They both just turned 20 years old. One of them goes to the university as well as works full time. He has turned into a dependable and responsible adult. It is his choice to work full time as well as go to school.

My other son does not work and refuses to go to school. Both my husband and I work so no one is home during the day. I suspect my son that is at home spends most of the day sleeping and playing video games. He will help out with chores around the house but only if I ask him to do so. My son that works pays him $20 a week to clean his room. I have tried cutting him off financially----just short of kicking him out on the street. I would prefer not to do that. However, since he receives $20 a week from his brother, that doesn’t seem to bother him. Also, the son that works keeps him supplied in Pepsi. He just seems too content and too happy for someone that is unemployed.

Answer 1

Tell him he has to start paying rent, make it 200 or 300 hundred a month to start, this way he cant use his 20 dollars a week...Tell him he has to get a job, go to school or move out, give him a time limit and stick by that...or your stuck with him and you dont want to enable him in this behavior, put your foot down, or kick him in the bum....

Answer 2

At 20 he should either be working or going to school or both. Ask the diligent son or someone in the community he respects what it would take to get him off his as*. Adding privlidges for getting a job or schooling and taking away privlidges for not are about all you can do. If these don't work you can only show him the door when you feel he should no longer be your responsibility.

But 20 is a tough time, and he may be a little depressed if his brother has apttitudes he doesn't so give him a little time.

Answer 3

Its time that he become a man. As long as you and your Husband cater to his laziness he will be happy to remain a useless individual. Sorry the truth may be a bit harsh but... having him suck off of others is buy far worse in the long run. No more pampering.. no more tolerance. Its time you get tough and send him on his way.
I know from personal experience its not easy and he will resent it for a little while. The good news is that once he gets a life he will come back and thank you for setting him straight.
Sometimes the best things are painful at first... it okay.. labor and delivery was no picnic either...
its time to Push

Answer 4

All of you have to come up with an agreement. Your son is 20 years old and an adult, then he should act like one... Start charging him rent and utilities... Give him a taste of the real world. And he's getting an allowance from his brother?? He needs to cut that out, all he is doing is encouraging him to continue doing nothing. Teach him to start supporting himself otherwise if he does move out, if ever, he is going to be unprepared and move back or try to leach off of someone else or he might end up being one of those 50 year old guys still living at home playing streetfighter on his nintendo.

Answer 5

You could repeat to what your wrote here. Be honest with him that to stay in your home and do nothing is not okay with you. Then you could ask "Knowing that it is not okay with me for you to do nothing while I pay for your room and board, what do you want to create for your life. How can I support you?".
You need to set the boundary and then stick too it. And that might mean that your have to set a date he must move out by if he doesn't pursue work, school, etc. I know that is so tough because he is your son and you love him. However, he is learning that it is okay to not take any action in my life. His parents will support it. He knows you don't like it but he has learned that you won't do anything about it so it is okay.
Tough love can be so hard however it is critical that he learn how to thrive. You can model the real world by establishing rules for living like having a job to pay rent, buy food, etc.
Let him know what you expect of him or what you want. Find out what he wants. Help him create a future by talking about what it is he wants. Then hold him accountable for going after he wants.
That might be a start.

Answer 6

Maybe he isn't unemployed. Do some snooping and find out what he is really doing when no one is at home. Maybe his job is of an illegal nature. Or he could just be lazy, in which case you may have no choice but to kick him out if he doesn't get a job. It's possible that the threat of no place to live will scare him into getting a job. Good luck!

Answer 7

Hate to say it but don't you think it is about time for both you and your other son to stop being "enablers". Perhaps it is time to cut off the income, tell him he will have to start paying board and give him a deadline. Tough love is sometimes the only way to get their attention. You are not doing him any good by providing him the easy life. Bite your tongue and do it, now before it is too late.

Answer 8

Hi, thanks for sharing. First all, I think your working son must stop giving some money to his brother and also stop supplying him in pepsi. I believe that doing things that will touch his ego or proud will make him take hold of his own life.
And very important : communication can help a lot and increase his awareness, because I think your son does not realize what he is missing in life right now or he may be afraid to face his own life. He will regret if he doe not change. You can get your other son to let him know how good it buy your own staff. hope it will help!!!

Answer 9

Maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. You brag on your other son, maybe the stay at home son is depressed, or just plain old scared, or mayber he feels that his brother will take care of him and his pepsi habit.
It is very frustrating for parents to see our adult age kids just laying around.
Hang in there, and you might tell him that before he knows it he will be 29. Because, Time marches on.

Answer 10

you do what my future mother in law did.
Her 24 year old son didnt do anything either, he'd sit home and play video games all day long, wouldnt work wouldnt do anything.
so they sold their house and bought a small two bedroom house, so they had just enough room for their stuff. he got so sick of being cramped up in there, that he went out found a great job, started to go to school, moved out, met a girl, and now he's very happy and financially set, and it only took him to realize he couldnt stay at home forever to do it.