whats the funnest military joke you know?

Answer 1

Rules of Combat

****USMC
Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weaponand a friend with a big weapon.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
Use a weaponthat works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don't drop your guard.
Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

***Army
See USMC Rules for combat
Add 60 to 90 days
Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

***Navy
Spend three weeks getting somewhere
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
Send in the Marines
Drink Coffee
Bring back the Marines

***Air Force
Kiss the spouse good-bye
Drive to the flight line
Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

Answer 2

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

Answer 3

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent". We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. He wouldn't show himself so I could get a shot off, so I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back
that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk".

"So I yelled back that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean- spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton".

And, there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a
truck ran over us.

Answer 4

This guy was driving down the road pulling a trailer. His wife was in the back of the trailer taking a shower. The guy hit a bump, the trailer door opened, his wife flew out naked, hit her head on the ground and it killed her. the guy kept driving.

A drill instuctor had just left base heading home and saw the accident and saw the lady on the road. He pulled over, felt embarrased for her so he took his DI hat off and covered up her P**sy.

While he was directing traffic around the accident and waiting for the police he saw a drunk marine over by the lady lifting the hat up. He looked again and the drunk marine lifted the hat again and was laughing. He yelled at the marine, "Hey! What do you think you're doing!?"

The marine yelled back, "This is the first time I've seen something underneath one of these hats that wasn't a prick!"

Answer 5

3 Generals were talking at a Combined Arms Exercise, one from each service. The Navy was conspicuously absent. They were arguing over who had the bravest men.

The Commander of the soldiers said, "I have the bravest men." Then he barked at one of his soldiers, "Get in front of that tank, son!" The soldier stood in front of the tank until the last minute, before leaping to safety.

The Marine General ordered one of his Marines to do the same. The Marine stood his ground, and was run over by the tank, such was his bravery.

Then the Air Force Commander ordered his Airman to follow suit. the Airman replied, "Fu** off, sir.", then walked off.

The Air Force General won the argument.

Answer 6

There was a Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants her picture back.

So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: I don't remember which one you are, please remove your picture and send the rest back!

Ok, Ok ... it's an old one but a good one!

Answer 7

A German General, A Chinese General and an American General were bragging that they each had the bravest soldiers on the planet. The German General said, Watch this! Private! The Private came to attention and barked sir yes sir. The General told him to get a glass of water and dive into it from the third floor window. The private did as ordered and died. See, said the German General. The Chinese General said, that's nothing, Private! The private appeared and bowed, at your command, General. The General told him to take a glass of water and dive into it from the 5th story roof of the building. The private obeyed and jumped to his death. See, said the Chinese General. The American General said, watch and learn, my friends! Private! The private came to attention. The American General told him to get a glass of water and dive into it from 500 ft out of an airplane. The private said, " Go "F" yourself General Sir." The American General said, SEE! I WIN!

Answer 8

My funniest ones have to be done in person with accents..... all guys even old guys get it.

My weak one....... Why are there no WalMarts in Iraq? Because there is a Target on every corner.

But.....

A huge patrol of Taliban are walking down the road. Suddenly they hear from behind a hill "One US Special forces soldier is better than any Taliban". So the Taliban commander sends a guy over the hill. After a lot of noise the Taliban crawls back over the hill and dies.

Suddenly the Taliban hear "one US Special forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban". The Taliban commander sends ten guys over and after a lot of noise all is quiet and no one comes back.

The Taliban hear "One US Special Forces soldier is better than 50 Taliban". The Taliban commander is beside himself, says screw that and sends 100 of his guys over the hill. After a huge amount of noise one Taliban crawls back over the hill gasping for breath and all bloody. The Taliban commander rushes over and asks "what happened"?

The Taliban soldier says " they cheated...... there are TWO of them!".

Answer 9

"The senior officer is Always Right.
When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8. " http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/militaryworkrules.asp


I like that. Reminds me of my work. They say Rule 1: Customers Always Right. Rule 2: Refer to Rule 1.

Answer 10

The lookout shouted from the crow's nest, "Captain! Enemy vessel approaching!"

The Captain barked orders to prepare for battle. Among them was "Bring me my red shirt!"

The battle raged and they were victorious. The Quartermaster asked the Captain why he called for a red shirt. The Captain replied, "So the men would not see my blood if I am injured and loose morale."

The next day the lookout cried, "Captain! Ten enemy vessels approaching!"

The Captain barked out battle orders. Among them was, "Bring me my brown pants!"