I recently moved to FL, but I am flying back to my hometown to attend family events. My ex-gf called me and wanted to get together at a restaurant. I agreed, even though my time is stretched thin, with a graduation & b-day. A few days later my ex-gf calls and says it would be nice if I pay for the whole meal (hers&mine) since gentlemen pay like my other ex-bf does (he broke up with her, just prior to this call, he was originally coming too). She then told me it costs her gas to drive to the restaurant, since it is closer to my mom's house (5 min drive) then to her house (20 min drive), plus her hours at her employer got reduced, and I make more then she does, 55k. I don't have extra $$ to throw around, I got moving expenses and loans. My parents offered to take me out for free because they know money is tight for me right now. My ex says I don't manage money well like she does, since she has savings. I suggested canceling plans, and she demanded I spend some time with her.
2007-06-05 05:02:15 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Her boyfriend also lives near the restaurant, which is one of the reasons it was picked. Plus it is Italian, and she was never there. Her boyfriend is no longer coming since they broke up, but he works odd hours, so he might not have showed up even if they were still dating.
2007-06-05 05:07:04 · update #1
I actually picked out the restaurant, if that makes a difference, but it was her idea to get together.
2007-06-05 05:17:07 · update #2
Um... she needs to pay her own expenses. If her ex is still paying for her, then he needs his head examined and she sounds like a golddigger.
2007-06-05 05:06:14 · answer #1 · answered by declaude 3 · 7⤊ 1⤋
Yes, it's *nice* when guys for women who aren't their girlfriends, but it's certainly not expected, nor would etiquette require it.
She is something of a hypocrite, since she first says that you ought to pay since you have more money, but then says she has savings (and therefore she would have more money). But the whole question of who has more disposable income is irrelevant, since it's not the duty of the richest person at the table to pay for everyone - unless one person specifically invited another person as a treat (a date or birthday or whatever), everyone is responsible for paying for their own meal.
You made a good call by suggesting cancelling dinner and making other plans; you also made a good call when you originally called it quits with this girl, she sounds very high maintenance. If she's not usually like this, then she is probably in a very fragile place emotionally right now, no doubt from her recent break-up and work changes, and was seeking not so much a free meal, as for someone to spoil her a bit and treat her special, to validate the hope that she still deserves to be treated well.
Try listening to her meaning, not her words. Offer to hang out with on a less expensive outing - perhaps coffee or a walk in the park. Let her vent about her problems, and show that you're listening - don't try to fix her problems, just let her talk and reassure her that she is still a good, special, wonderfu person.
2007-06-05 05:15:18 · answer #2 · answered by teresathegreat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am going to answer this as best i can, so here goes. First off, the one that has invited the other is the one that should pay. If there was not a real "invitation" to go out together, than i say going dutch is perfectly acceptable. Secondly, your ex has no right to expect anything from you. You are an ex, and therefore, are not obligated to see her or spend time with her, let alone pay for her meal. I would not let her make demands of my time or my money. If you do make time to see her, simply tell her if she wants to spend time with you ( which you have said you have little of ) than she can meet you at the restaurant like previously planned but that you are going dutch since you cannot afford to pay for the whole meal. If she finds this unacceptable tell her that those are your conditions and to take them or leave them.
2007-06-07 05:06:06 · answer #3 · answered by pj 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two have broken up, so it is no longer appropriate for you to pay for her dinner. If you were going out for a drink or a cup of coffee then it would be appropriate for you to buy her a drink (if you had the extra cash, did the inviting, or just felt generous), but a whole meal is too much. She invited you, so technicaly she should pay for it all, or at least her share. You not doing so will make you no less of a gentleman, but her learning that she shouldn't ask things like this as it is inappropriate and that she has to pay her way sometimes will make her more of a modern lady.
If you don't feel like spending time with her then don't, you have broken up with her and don't have any obligation to spend time with her.
PS : The only thing inappropriate in all this is her asking that you would pay, much less assuming that you would act like her other ex (a totally different person from you); and demanding that you spend time with her.
(coming from a girl's standpoint, she sounds like she acts pretty childish.)
2007-06-09 16:42:20 · answer #4 · answered by duchess_curry 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ummm, I don't think this forum is to address squabbles between dating (ex-)couples! And your post does not look like you are asking for etiquette advice, but trying to gather a group on your side! You might be right, she might be wrong, but what you have written shows that there is quite some history and we have heard only one side. Therefore, while etiquette may demand a gentleman to pay up, and in the year 2007 it would be a totally opposite expectation, which would be correct too, we really don't have the "complete" story since you have written at length (your length) and haven't heard from the other side!
I am sorry, but I am unable to side you without hearing the other side, and again, this question is not really a question about etiquette!
I would advise one thing, though. You are well into your job and into finding a mate. A little growing up might be in order here! Good Luck.
2007-06-13 01:05:24 · answer #5 · answered by Sky Clipper 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude, why would you even want to see here if she is your ex? If you are still friends with her I guess that's cool to hang with her though, but since you are no longer a couple and just friends, she needs to pay for her meal.
Explain to her that being "just friends" means you not paying, if she has "other" things in mind for you two, well, use your judgement as to whether it's worth it or not. :-)
Now, the whole "other boyfriend" thing is out of the question though. If any of my ex's ever called and told me that they wanted to bring their new boyfriend to a get together with me, she'd be read the riot act of etiquette. What did she want to do, rub your face in the fact that she has somebody new or what? Sounds like a way to try to make you jealous.
Not knowing all the facts of your relationship with her, I'd say it's just not worth the hassle and to get rid of her. Just tell her that you'd rather spend your already small time, with your family, that is unless you have a smoking hot girlefriend now, that you can take to dinner with your ex. :-)
2007-06-05 05:23:53 · answer #6 · answered by lscrisp 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to cancel any dinner plans and LET HER GO.
Ex-gf are just that...EX. She has no claim on you and you are being taken for a patsy. You sound like a nice guy, and that's part of the problem. You want her to keep thinking of you as a "nice guy". And that's nice, but you don't need to do this. She is still beating you up for "being closer to the restaurant...she's a better money manager...blah, blah, blah". Who needs the abuse????
The heck with what she thinks about you. As soon as you go back to FL, she'll latch on to some other nice guy.
You gotta let it go, man!
2007-06-11 15:41:57 · answer #7 · answered by cjsu 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't even go, seems she is using you, and since she is just asking you for the money and to pay the stuff, she is using you as a extra ride. Dont go meet up with her, and ignore her. She'll learn, and she is an ex, why do you need to spend time with her, she needs to get over you and you need to do the same. If you keep it up, she will get to use to it, and everytime she has a money problem, your gonna be the first she calls!
2007-06-05 05:11:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Let her know that you can't afford to be paying for her meal. You just moved, you are flying back to your old home, you have a lot going on. What nerve she has! She is not a friend, she is using you. She doesn't want to see you, she wants a free meal.
You have to give her your new rules. You don't owe her.
Maybe you could just meet for coffee instead?
2007-06-05 05:45:37 · answer #9 · answered by Think.for.your.self 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not wise to go out with an ex-girlfriend who is a gold-digger. Next time, she pays hers and you pay yours (separate check). Tell her upfront and if she doesn't have any $ at the end, she can always wash the dishes at the restaurant for whatever necessary time to cover her bill.
2007-06-10 18:04:01 · answer #10 · answered by Abby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, since she's your EX-gf, I don't think that you should be expected to pay for her. After all, it's not as if you were on a date.
2007-06-05 05:22:35 · answer #11 · answered by tangerine 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋