How do you handle a relationship where one partner hasn't worked for 5-6 months?

Question

I've been in a relationship with a man I love for 2 1/2 years. He's going back to school after 20 years and spends a lot of time with that and volunteering at church. I respect his activities but he lost his job last December and it took him 3-4 months just to put a resume together. He still pays his share of the rent and expenses (from some sort of trust or fund) but I have a hard time respecting his lack of willingness and effort to find a job. He's been looking more lately, but I'm at the point where I'm questioning him as a person and potential partner, as well as the whole relationship now. We've talked about marriage in the past, but I don't know about even staying together for now.. Does anyone have any experience with this? Thank you--I appreciate it.

I forgot to mention earlier that he is 48 and (for at least a while) his parents were paying some of his bills (which is a bit concerning to me.) For several months last year, he didn't pay his share of the rent and didn't start to until I had a serious talk with him about it. ...I offered many times to help him with his resume, and I've been supportive emotionally in other ways and tried to be as patient as possible... To be fair, I was unemployed myself for 3 months in the beginning of our relationship (during which I financially supported myself), but I made it a full-time job to look for a job, and I've had one for the last 2 years.
Anyway, thanks for all the answers so far--you've helped to clarify things for me already. It's not so much about the money (I've never cared how much a guy makes but that he has a job and is able to support himself) but about the work ethic, personal responsibility, present behavior indication of future behavior, etc. Thanks again everyone!

Answer 1

Unless he starts making a real effort, and genuinely seems motivated to get a job and make a living, I think it is time for you to sit down with him and talk about his job situation. The fact that it took him so long to get a resume together is not a good sign.

However, be aware that losing your job is a very depressing thing, and can have a big impact on his emotional and mental state. It may be that he is depressed, which is part of his lack of motivation.

Perhaps you can offer to help him with job searching...talk it out and see what his goals are, what kind of future he wants to work towards and what kind of job he intends to get.

After all of that, if he really doesn't seem motivated and has no intention on following through in the near future, you need to decide if this is a warning sign, or just a temporary state. If this is temporary, then wait it out. He is still contributing to the bills, he is keeping up his side of the expenses, so at this point it is not as if he is "freeloading". If he has the money to take a few months off, so be it, that is his choice and his money.

If he stops paying for his bills...starts borrowing money from you, from friends or family, and still has no move towards getting a job, then I would be more concerned.

Answer 2

i was in a relationship for 4 years, living together, where the guy did not show much interest in finishing anything he started, but also did not bother contributing to our expenses much, just once every few months he would get money from god knows where and expected eternal gratitude for that..
i handled it as follows: kicked him out and moved on.

hey u should discuss this seriously with him. tell him how his passive behavior towards trying to find a job is turning u off him and giving u doubt about ur future together.
although the idea of the man as the breadwinner and head of the house is slightly oldfashioned now, atleast some equality should be there and both people should put effort into ur future together.

Answer 3

The seeds of doubt are now sown and I doubt you can regain your trust in him. But think about a few things.

Since he has this trust thing and you (as a way of living more cheaply sharing a place) as a cushion he sees no rush. And if he is going back to school, it could be that he is trying to reorient his life. Is he going full-time and earnestly selecting classes that will jump start a career? Or would you describe his lifestyle as a slacker? I think you have to look at him and decide which side of the line he is on.

Answer 4

Have you talked to him about your concerns? Maybe he just needs a little push from you. You have to be careful not to sound nagging, though. Maybe it can be helpful for you to try to ask him what his reasons for not looking for a job. He might be thinking of something more financially stable that is mroe related to his interests as he is going back to school. Listen to his reasons. If it seems like he's just using school and church activities as excuses not to work, maybe you have to rethink his level of maturity.

This is not to say that you're some money-hungry person, but if a person is not responsible with his job, how can you expect him to be a responsible father?

Answer 5

Well if he has money to take care of expenses and is bettering himself by going to school maybe, you are just overly worried. If he is taking care of his responsibilities don't worry about it. It's not like he is not taking care of home and freeloading. Maybe he wants to look for a job when he finishes school. If he isn't too concern about working at the moment, he must have plenty of money to chill for a while. Don't worry so much.

Answer 6

It sound as if you are slightly jealous of you man. He has the financial means to spend time following his dreams while you must work to accomplish yours. Try thinking of it in a more positive way and consider yourself lucky and blessed that he wants to share those plans and his future with you.

Answer 7

I have experience in this, and believe me, you need to sit him down and talk about everything you mentioned in your post. Don't hold your feelings inside. Tell him point blank that you are having serious doubts about the relationship. If he hasn't found work after five or six months, it sounds like he's not particularly intertested in working...period! After I told my bf how I felt, we decided to go separate ways. At least he was mature about it, and I let him know that I wasn't going to support him. I couldn't afford to. Oh, and btw, after you talk to him, if you still have serious doubts, break away from him.

Answer 8

Chances are if money is making you think twice about this guy..... you dont realy love him........Take some time to think things over. Love is about being with someone in think and thin times. If you cant stay with him now just b/c of his lack of a job how will you stick it out with him when he gets cancer, breaks a leg, falls down in life. If you truly love him you will find away to work things out with him. let him know how you feel and give him a chance to fix himself. He may not know there is a problem, and if you dont let him know he cant fix it.

Answer 9

Now if the situation were reversed, and it was the WOMAN who lost their job and moped around for six months, nobody would question it. Because he is a man, you expect him to be the "good provider". This is totally sexist and reveals your true intentions: you're just another lazy woman looking for a free ride from a man.

Answer 10

He gets unemployed and all of a sudden you are questioning your love?.....Typical female always thinking about themselves and money.

Is that all your relationship is based on (his job)
Anyways if he were smart he would not marry you let alone you not marrying him.
marriage is for better or for Worse and you are lacking the for worse.