husband meeting his children alone?

Question

well, i am not jealous or bitter neither i am against it. i am just curious whether it is normal and how would other people feel. my husband has his own quite grown up children (teenagers and older) and they don't want to accept the fact that he is divorsed with his mother and married to another woman for quite long time so he goes and meets with them from time to time. is it normal? shouldn't they come into his new house and meet his new woman and all be good friends? i was not "the other woman",he got divorsed and moved out before he met me. there is no my fault that their father divorsed their mother. so how would u feel if your partner instead of introducing u to his children was meeting them somewhere alone? this situation just doesn't seem normal to mee thou i keep my mouth shut and don't lament

well, it has been more than 2 years since we re married. it's not like we got marreid yesterday. and all this time he is meeting with them on the side. isn't it strange somehow? seems to me anyway

yes, i do feel undermind thou i do not prevent him from meeting with them but it is very very unpleasant that he does it in secret and also i have been thinking what about weddings? his elder daughter is 21. so will he go at her wedding alone when she decides to marry?

Answer 1

part of me wants to say "they are his kids and he should deal with it himself" and the other part of me wants to say "his kids are grown! they need to realize that dad has another wife and it's NOT mom and he is happy!"

frankly, this would bother me and i would be very upset with my husband. i would wonder why he was keeping that part of his life seperate.

although, it's hard b/c his kids are old enough to make a choice to not meet with you and if he puts his foot down and says"you either come to my house where my wife is and accept her and that part of my life or we don't see each other", well, his kids may well just not see him at all.

seems that he has allowed them to have the "power" in their relationship and i'm not sure how/if he can get it back.

i would talk to him about this and see what you all can do about this.
tell him that it hurts your feelings and you would like to know his kids and his family.
try to make him see that the mature adult thing would be for all of you to go out to dinner and get to know each other.
bring up the wedding thing to him.
ask him what would happen.

i hope you all can get to a happy place.
take care.

Answer 2

There really is no normal in any situation. It is unfair of them to not at least try to get to know you , especially as you are obviously serious about each other as you got married!
By going along with how they want things he isnt really sticking up for you, and in a way, I would feel undermined. He should talk to them on your behalf, their mother may well have something to do with the way they feel about you. Does he have any contact with her? If so, he should perhaps mention to her that the situation needs to change as you are now a big part of his life and he dosnt want to keep everyone seperate. What would happen if there was a family event?? Would you all ignore each other or would they make an effort?

If they are grown up, they are being childish, and should understand by now that people fall out of love all the time, and just because it happened with their mom and dad, dosnt mean their dad cant have a life now!!

Speak to your husband, say you understand he loves his children and you would never want to come between them, but that the current situation is making you feel uncomfortable, and not respected. Tell him you would like to get to know his children as they are part of him, and at the moment you feel there is a side to him you dont know.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Perhaps in time they will come around. It sounds like they need the time to get to know and bond with their father first. Once they are comfortable with that, the next step will be to more curious about the "rest" of his life. Don't take it personally. There's probably some good healing that needs to take place between them and doing it on "neutral" grounds is much more comfortable for them. Be supportive to your husband and ask questions about his visits - take an interest in the kids but do it from a distance until the time is right. They'll come around but you need to just be patient. This isn't about YOU, it's about THEM rebuilding their trust, love, etc. with their father.

Answer 4

why don't you ask your husband if he has mentioned you to his children. Then ask if he would mind if they met you. Then ask him to ask his children if and when they are ready to meet you that you want to meet them and then when you schedule the meeting make a big deal of the event so that it will be something they can relate to as a good thing. After all he has at this point thought enough of you to be a part of his life and if the children are aware of that maybe they will also want to be a part of that life with their father

Answer 5

My ex used to see his children alone. Even when they finally decided to come to the house, I used to leave for awhile to give them time alone. I think that every parent whether with their spouse or divorced should have time alone with their children. It gives them time to talk about things that they may not feel comfortable about discussing in front of others.

The children are his blood. Don't be foolish enough to try to stop him from seeing them. You are only the wife. "Blood is thicker than water."

Just be glad he is a good man, and wants a relationship with his children.

Answer 6

nope, don't interfere, if they want to meet u they will, maybe make a nice BBQ and invite them over for a nice meal, but don't over do it the first time or the second time, maybe try this once a week or once every two weeks, remember they feel as though they are victims, and u are the enemy, even if u were in the picture after their parents split up.

Answer 7

My parents are divorced and I don't even want to see my dad. It his kids' choice whether they would like to meet you. However, I would not force the situation because it will only make things worse and may make the kids angry.

Answer 8

This does not seam normal to me either.....
Those kids of his are that old he needs to have them come to the house or you two go on with your business and if they want to meet up with you two this is fine...
But going to meet them alone? Is he going to the ex wifes house to meet up with them?
This is just weird.....if you have been married that long to the fella maybe it is not that big of deal to you?

Answer 9

It's a two-way street and both are responsible for their behavior.

1. They feel their father is a puppet on a string and should be parenting out of guilt. They demand he lives in the past or is to allow himself to be made to feel guilty for getting a divorce while being a married man. They have been placed in a position of entitlement and he's allowing it.

2. His son(s) and daughter(s) have made demands and they expect to get their way using the divorce from the past to do so. Therefore their father is conforming to the past and doing tricks for them. To them their parents are still divorced despite marriage. What they are saying is they refuse to acknowledge his present life yet expect their life to be complied to and presently placing conditions on their father.

What happens if your husband lives in the present? If they start threatening and expect him to divorce over them then you both are dealing with disrespectful highly controlling individuals. It does not sound like they have any respect for their father's life and it may be ex-wife motivated also. If you are dealing with parental alienation that is a two-party street between the ex and the child now adults and it becomes habit forming. Then throw in a host of society that childishly processes parenting when it comes to divorce - "give the child their way because of divorce" so our bored society promotes people living in the past AND entrenchment. Think about it, the roles of parents do not have anything to do with marital bond because parenting is a bond and a job. A parent is a parent and a son and daughter remains despite death or divorce. What happens when there is intrusion on that? We've been thru this or shall I say thru the relationship problems between their mom and the kids and my ex and the kids. Both parents were physically caught putting verbal demands on the children to hate us, enlisted and had the kids enlist our bio families. In otherwords, the children were treated liked objects by scorned ex-spouses and dysfunctional family members plus some child pros and this went on for most of their childhoods. It doesn't matter we don't put up with it despite the rages passing thru grown child adults who also choose to rage. We've recently been told by a pastor to conform to the demands of a 30-year-old who has toasted his father by telling even more lies to get attention. To us it's like our kids are in cults even within their own marriages - they married their targeting parent or at least the people with the same controlling traits. We've been married for 15 years almost 16 now and the only thing that is keeping this going is the family and adult kids- litterally they are behaving like spoiled controlling children. It appears to us there is schzoid behavior going on in all but one who seems to be a lot more balanced but has been drug into things on more than one occassion. Our adult sons and daughter view themselves as being in an all out war and have verbally chosen "war" some of which are calling this Christian behavior despite the fact that relating without reconciling is a sin and so is dishonouring your parents by living a vile lifestyle. My ex was behaving like this within the marriage and so was the family the latest "we're gonna make sure you're alone" and yes, we can point out who are the core instigators and who are the followers. The kids were encourage to hate by a host of individuals and it became habit - an obsession/addiction to power. The sick thing about it is they have demadend we make the kids pay for their behavior AND the instigators. Even child pros demanded that we allow our children - back in the day- to rule the roost despite that they themselves mimicked the targeting parent. Personally I think it's big business and is being done for monitary purpose. Imagine that, child pros that councel parents to turn their kids into sociopaths despite them having no problems at the house something the kids want nobody to know about. It was ALL between the ex's, the kids, family dysfunction and dysfunctional pros as they call themselves. We don't have to be party to that it's called refusal to live in the past and being a parent whether anyone likes it or not. Not one of them can say why they are so vile towards us because their too attracted to going to war with no realistic cause other than making other people feel good and they have no respect for themselves. Dysfunction we want nothing to do with it and by choice choose to live in peace in the present. We miss our sons and daughter but not to the point of allowing abuse on our marrige or spiritual disrupt.