Am I doing the right thing telling him that?

Question

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. We both love eachother very much. We also have a daughter together and are thinking about getting married.... then I get hit with the suprise that he has made up his mind to go into the army. In a couple of months he will be signed up and ready to go.

I don't want him to join... forgive me for sounding so typical, but I don't want him to join because I am afraid he is going to be sent somewhere and die. He says it's his lifelong dream, which yes I knew this, but never really thought he would do it.

I told him I would stick with him to the end and I would support him, because it is what he wants to do. He knows I don't want him to go, but he also knows that I will help and support him if he wants to. I guess what I am trying to ask is, Am I doing the right thing by telling him that?

Answer 1

Yes, you are doing the right thing! You can't bottle it up. Communication is key when it comes to military family. He is trying to do what he feels right and best for his family. He will need that support though, so keep giving him that support but don't hide your feelings and concerns!!

Answer 2

If you knew it was his lifelong dream to go, then it should not have been a surprise when he made up his mind.

It sounds like he has been upfront with you about all of it and you have told him you will be there, and that you will support him.

It is scary as hell to think of someone you love going in at this point with the war. And let me tell you even if there was no war the military life is hard on the spouse who is left behind often and has to pick up the pieces all the time when he isn't home both for you and for the children.

I know this because I was a military spouse for 23 years and you really learn alot about who you are. There is no one stronger than a military spouse.

Don't give up on him if you think you can handle the lifestyle, but if you truly don't think you can, then cut your losses now.

Answer 3

He told you, so it is not like he surprised you. If he has already signed, then there isn't any turning back. I am a military spouse, and it is hard. Deployments suck...and the worst fear is that the officer will be at your door saying "I'm sorry ma'am." But be proud of you other half. He is doing something that most would not dare do, esp. now. Support him because he may be sacred, too. Not to sound too old fashioned...but...your husband needs you to be the pillar of strength for him at times. Do not forget your feelings, but be strong and work on them together. I know this is hard...and scary. If you love him, support him. Also, once you become the military wife...you learn to understand that this may happen. You learn to appreciate each day...and you learn to deal with that day may come when you get handed the folded flag. I still cry and worry about it...but you learn. Also, you have the support of all the other wives on base. We are like a family. We all know the pain and the joys of this life. We work through it together.

Answer 4

Telling him how you feel and being open and honest in a relationship is wonderful. You should try to be a little bit more supportive of his "dream" though. I was in the Air Force, got discharged because it wasnt my cup of tea and am now a military spouse. My husband is now deployed in Kuwait for the next 4 months, and I worry every day, but there are also many benefits to being a military family, yes there is risk and you have every right to worry, but its really not as bad as it seems and its going to really help you guys out in the long run if you do decide to get married soon. Maybe you guys should sit down and make a positive and a negative list, you should do some research on www.military.com, and maybe somehow find army spouses and chat with them.

Answer 5

Yes you are doing the right thing by telling him how you feel, and standing behind him. First of all he will need you to be a good Soldier. He will need you standing behind him and being there for him and the kids when he can not be there. Your fear is all so natural also, I am scared to death that everytime I hang up the phone it could be the last time I hear my husbands voice. Dont think of the Army as a bad thing, think of the great things, you and your children with have full medical insurance. You will receive free housing (if you live on post they pay for it and if you live off post they pay you to live offpost), you are going to join a new family. A strong one full of pride, and you will not be alone in the situation there are millions of wifes out there just like you. He is setting your life up for something great, look at it that way also. He is becoming his dream.. I think of it this way "All your life you wanted to be a princess, and all his life he wanted to be a super hero. When he joins the Army you are going to become his Army princess and he is going to become your super Hero.." Dont stress sweetie he is going to take you to a whole new world, the Army world and it is a great world if you treat it good.. Lots of love and good luck, keep your chin high it will get easier..

Answer 6

As many have said, he told you about his dreams. It seems that your complacency ("He says it's his lifelong dream, which yes I knew this, but never really thought he would do it.") got the best of you.

So, you have to make a choice: do you keep your word and stand by him, or do you cut and run? What would he do if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel? These are things that need to be taken into consideration, as well as a child.

My wife had a hard time with it when we were dating, but she stuck by me, and it has made my life so much greater, especially now that I suffer from PTSD and other issues. And yes, I would do it all again exactly the same.

Which leads me to Avatar and his response. You can take his answer as truth, but has he been in the military? I have, and so have many others, and we seem to know what you're getting into by giving you insight based on actual experiences and not spewing propaganda. I know there is plenty of anti-war propaganda out there, but I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps because I wanted to earn my freedom and to help ensure that future generations could enjoy the freedoms of the Constitution.

My vote is that you keep your word and show your commitment to him, your child, and your relationship.

Answer 7

Being honest is the best and healthiest thing you can do for him and for yourself. It's understandable that you don't want him to go, but if it's his dream to be in the military let it be... he might resent you later on in life with all the what ifs.... You never know, he might get lucky and not have to go over seas. I know plenty of people active and in the reserves that haven't been sent over seas (yet). And I know times are different from our parents day, but my dad joined the Army at the thick of Vietnam and he was fortunate enough to get deployed to Germany... Just get involved with everything that you can.

Answer 8

It's his life's dream to be sent off for years to a horrible and pointless human drama and kill or be killed? I think he'll find it ain't all it's made to look like on the TV...

You should support his dreams, but what would you do if his big dream was to jump off a cliff and die? Or lock himself in a padded cell to go insane? Really, that's what he's choosing to do. He just won't realize it until his 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th "tours of duty" ... If he even makes it that long.

At least he could have the brains to sign up as a private soldier with a private company. Corporate soldiers make hundreds of thousands a year. If your gonna throw your life away at least leave some cash behind for your family. Cuz your kids can't eat your "duty".

You'd better get that wedding fast, before he goes. Or you could end up with nothing but a dead boyfriend to feed that kid with a year from now. Or more fun yet an ex-boyfriend who's so emotionally and mentally scarred from it all you can't stand his sweaty screaming nightmares or him after he gets back.

Get real, you aren't telling him nearly enough...

Just read the link below...

Answer 9

Girl! yes! stand by your man! if thats what he really wants to do, than there is no stopping him. There are groups for military wives- you can meet people there that will help you. Not all the military jobs are life-threatening. Some people in the military never leave the United States.

Answer 10

!!!!!bravo for your honesty!!!!!
You have a wonderful man in your life. A man who wants to be in the military that is great. I can't say I know for sure it is hard because I don't have anyone in the military but the man you have a daughter with & want to marry wants to stand up for what is right for his country & to support his family. Have you heard the song "Stand by your Man" ? It is a great song.