Do you think it is wrong of me to ask my boyfriend to spend $1300 on an engagement ring?

Question

He doesn't make that much more than minimum wage, however the money he does make he tends to spend on random stuff as soon as he gets any money. (i.e. expensive tattoos, cameras, PDA, etc). He is unable to save. I would like to know that he can save up money if asked to, prior to marrying him. I don't mind waiting for years if it takes that long for it to happen.

One additional detail: I will graduate medical school in one year.

Oh, also the ring I fell in love with is $1300, hence that number in particular.

Answer 1

I think that there is more than one issue here. Of course, you are asking a direct question, but there is so much involved. Maturity, financial responsibility, your medical school loans, housing, etc.

There are a number of ways to address this situation.

The easiest thing to do is to answer is the question of asking for a specific ring first.

It is a terrible breech of etiquette to ask for a specific gift.

An engagement ring is a gift (believe it or not, it's not something you are entitled to) which is given in response to an agreement or a commitment that is made. If you were to end the engagement, you would have to return the ring (this is a question of good etiquette), because, although it's a gift, it's a token of a commitment. Once you marry, even if the marriage ends, you have the right to keep the ring -- you have already kept your agreement to marry.

But that's beside the point. You do not ask ANYONE for a specific gift, or a specific amount to spend on it. That is the rudest thing I've ever heard. I often see couples going into the jewelry store together to buy a ring. That's fine, if the groom is able to afford buying the bride whatever she wants. However, to ask for something that is, right now and possibly for a very long time afterward, outside of his ability to pay, is dead wrong. He may actually go into debt in his desire to please you, which would only exacerbate the situation.

Secondly, you need to take into serious consideration how well matched you are. You have years of residency and internship ahead of you, and your money will be very tight. How will you manage? Will you be willing to support him? You'll have to, more than likely, if he doesn't earn enough to do it.

It seems that you are waiting for HIM to change - and this is inappropriate. Not that he doesn't need to make some changes, but that you are not loving him and committing to him as he is, without wanting him to change. If you start out a marriage hoping someone will change, you're on a dead end road.

Is he ambitious? Does he aspire to something more than his current job? If you are going to be a physician, and he wants to continue on the path that he is on, you may run into trouble later -- common interests change with growth and maturity.

Let me just mention here that I don't think there is anything wrong with someone who works for minimum wage. I respect anyone who works for his own money and does not ask for hand-outs. Period.

The issue is NOT his minimum wage job -- the issue is maturity. How old is he, anyway? If he is in his early twenties, it's not unusual to be a little spend-crazy. Many (not all) young people in this age group don't think much about the future, and a lot don't bother planning for it financially.

If he is in his late twenties, or early thirties,or older, and he still spends money like a high-schooler, has no savings, and shows no interest in saving or planning for the future -- other than, "Hey, it would be cool to get married!" -- then what you have is a very immature and financially irresponsible man. He may or may NOT change his ways, but you are not the one to make him do that. Forcing him to buy you an engagement ring that is more than he can afford TODAY, right now, is not going to change him. (This may be an issue from childhood, or maybe his parents weren't savers.)

You must gage his level of financial responsibility for yourself. You must consider and weigh your feelings for this man against any glaring realities, like the possibility that he is completely financially irresponsible and you may have to take on, not only the bulk of the financial responsibility for your married life, but all of it.

Answer 2

Honey, I hate to say it but it sounds like you guys are grossly mismatched. A guy saving his money to buy you a ring shows he really wants to marry you....so much so that he's made your engagement ring a priority in his finances. If he's still spending all his free money on tatoos, PDAs, cameras, ect, they he obviously hasn't set your engagement ring as a priority. You shouldn't have to ASK that he do that. When a guy is in love, he does that naturally because he WANTS to.

Now, I will say, I think it's being awfully materialistic of you to want such an expensive ring when he makes so little. The RING is not a sign of the r'ship. It's ALWAYS a red flag to me when women care so much about the size of their ring. I'll tell you what my mom always told me "big rings do not necessarily make for big marriages." There are many women who received 2 caret rings and bigger who are now unhappily divorced. If you really loved him and wanted to marry him, it wouldn't matter what he gave you. I understand where you're coming from. He should WANT to give you something you love and can be proud of. But that doesn't mean you should set a spending amount.

I hope you all work it out.

Answer 3

$1300.00 is a lot for an engagement ring when you could use the $$$ for many other needed things, like a place to live. I would really think twice before marring a guy who cannot save his money and makes barley above minimum wage. How are you going to live with next to no money? The expenses add up quickly and that is the biggest reason couples get divorsed, money issues. On his salary you will be waiting a long time!

Answer 4

You have every right to wonder if your boyfriend can save up enough money to by an engagement ring. But, its not the point of him buying you a $1300 ring on a minimum wage income...its, is he going to pursuit an income that will help the both of you obtain the level of income that will make life 'decent' for you BOTH and your potential child(ren). Wait for years? Don't wait for years. Years should not be what it takes to do something like that. If he doesn't have an education/certification/license, it may be extremely difficult for him to make a decent living to help support his family. Do you have an income? Are you going to get him an engagement gift? Are you able to give him something of comparable value? Think about this, too.

Answer 5

To me, the engagement ring is a symbol of your life together and the sacrifices you are prepared to make.. It's not so much the price of the ring that matters, it's how much he was prepared to sacrifice to have you forever. By that reasoning, he should pay something for a ring that will sting the bank account a little and force him to sacrifice some of his personal pleasures.. for some men, that number will be about $1300, for others it might be a lot more or less than that. I would think that $1300 is not really very much, but for some people it may be a huge amount of money. Only you will know that.. and the fact that you are a medical student does not matter, it doesn't mean that you deserve any more or less than any other girl.

Answer 6

I would just like to share some advice with you:

My fiance and I are getting married in September. He will be making $11/hr starting next week. I work myself and bring home about $700 a month. I work part-time. He and I both are mature enough people to realize that we need to sit down and go over bills to figure out what we can afford when we're MARRIED.

Yes, that's right, when we are married. You are not thinking beyond the ring, the fancy wedding, or any of that other superficial stuff that isn't going to matter. What matters is marrying the person you love. If you truely loved that person, you could get married in a courthouse and it wouldn't matter to you. The marriage is what matters.

It IS wrong for you to ask your boyfriend to spend that much money on you. This ring isn't going to do anything for you (or your boyfriend) other than make you temporarily happy because your friends think it looks nice. If your friends were really friends, they would think it looks good no matter how much your boyfriend spends on it.

My fiance and I have both suggested just going to the courthouse, but I just wanted a simple, inexpensive wedding anyway. I like to consider myself a practical person.

My whole point in all this is before you guys get serious about marriage, someone needs to do something about getting a better job. Minimum wage is not enough to cover anything these days. I have made $9/hr, with lots of overtime and still didn't have enough for rent. How are you guys going to live? This $1300 could go towards tuition to get a better education for either of you. If you are not in college, I suggest trying to figure out a 2-year degree (something that won't take as long to aquire) that you would enjoy doing that would help out your money situation.

Also, your boyfriend needs to learn how to save. I know my fiance can splurge on things that he doesn't need to splurge on.

Anyway, just try to be mature and think beyond impressing other people. Spending thousands of dollars on a trinket and spending even more money on ONE DAY in your whole marriage. It's not a wise thing to do. You can have a wedding just as special for a lot less.

Answer 7

No, if you look at ring prices, $1300 is not expensive. But is he ready to get married? That's the real question. If he is he would stop spending money on random stuff & be saving to get you a ring. It sounds like he isn't ready to settle down.

Answer 8

I think he can't afford it.

I also think he really isn't ready to settle down and pay bills. I mean if he is ONLY making a little over minimum wage and he SPENDS most of what he does make? Does that sound like someone who is ready to pay rent, insurance, utilities?

If anything he need to be investing in some college level courses in order to increase his income in the future so he can then SAVE some money and then afford a nice ring for his Misses as well as other savings.

I think you should keep him as a boyfriend and not try and make him a fiance for the forseeable future.

Yes $1,300 is too much for someone barely making minimum wage.

the rule of thumb is 2 1/2 or 2 months salary for a engagement ring.
how much does he make a month?
that is what the experts state he can afford in way of a engagement ring.

good luck to you.

Answer 9

Absolutly it is wrong. You should be not be putting a price tag on a symbol of love. Its a symbol of love - its priceless! If he bought you a ring that was $1250 would it mean he loved you any less? Of course not. And since he makes minimum wage all you are doing is making him feel over whelmed because he can't afford it.

If you are concerned about his money habits that is something you should be talking to him about not setting up little tests here and there for him to pass or fail. Marriage isnt a test, so don't treat it like one.

Instead you should working with him on healthy spending habits. Set up some saving accounts. Set some goals. Save for some things.

Hope that helps!

Answer 10

maybe it is the not to sensible romantic side of me but i alway envisioned being surprised because he picked out the right ring (whatever the cost) and actually thought about the significance behind it. so while it is not wrong to ask for a certain amount i just wonder if you might be focusing on the wrong thing. if the concern is whether or not he can save ask him to save money for a trip instead.
another concern... while not needing to be supported by i man i know that i don't want to support any man either. does he have potential (and more importantly drive) to make more?
last thought on the ring, you can get something inexpensive now then upgrade later on (perhaps during an anniversary)
good luck