What do you do with a strong willed defiant toddler? Any books you've read or suggestions? I'm at my wits end

Question

My son is 3 1/2 & very smart. He is also very defiant & 'spits' at people when they say something he doesnt like.he cant really spit so he tries & makes a BBBBZZZZ sound that is irrelevant, its his intention. He also just stomps his foot & says NO..I AM NOT DOING THAT! &folds his arms across his chest he tells us he hates or or slams the door in your face.I don't spank him unless he does something dangerous lI don't want to spank him or I'd be doing it 20 times some days ! I don't know if time outs really work, he says he is sorry when he comes out but I am not really sure that he even understands why he is in there. I know he doesnt sit & think about what he did wrong because all he does is cry for daddy while hes in there hoping my husband will let him out. What do you do with a kid like this? He is a sweet kid, he is very nice with other kids & plays nice doesnt hit or call names and tries to share. He tells you he loves you and LOVES hugs and kisses. He is just very strong willed!

As I said my son is very smart and wants to start school already, he wants to be around the other kids & always wants to be a 'big boy' and doesnt want 2 wait until he is 5. He needs a lot of attention cuz there are very few kids in my neighborhood so I can't just leave him in the back yard with a friend & play, if I dont play with him then he has no one most of the time. He seems to get the most defiant when he is doing something he likes IE play in the kitchen sink & I tell him to stop because water is everywhere. He wants to do what he likes & acts up when he can't..who wouldn't like to live that way doing just what they want when they want? I feel blessed to have him & I love him so much I don't want to screw him up for life because he doesnt have an instruction manual &I have no idea how to communicate to him what I need in a way that he can understand & will agree to follow. whats an appropriate effective punishment for a kid of this age? I hope God bless you all for the help !!

Answer 1

Heres a good book: "The Strong a Willed Child" By Dr. James Dobson

Answer 2

First of all you are the adult here. Take control of the situation. When he tells you "no" don't take that for an answer. Grab him firmly by the shoulders, bend down to eye level and tell him firmly with a frown on your face, that he is NOT to tell you no. Then tell him again to do whatever it was that started this confrontation. If he tells you no again, explain that you'll spank him if he refuses again and FOLLOW THROUGH! Never make idle threats. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When he spits at someone spank him right there on the spot and explain that it is not acceptable behavior and you're not going to tolerate it. Children know the difference in a spanking and a beating. You have just proven what I suspected for a long time. Parents these days seem to think they'll be spanking all day if they start. That's not the case. Maybe a couple of times for each infraction but then they'll get the message and problem solved. Then on to the next problem. Remember YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECT A DIFFERENT RESULT. Change you tactics. There's not a lot of difference in fear and respect. Some seem to think that spanking children will make them fear you. I was spanked and the only thing I feared was the spanking itself. Be consistant. What is not acceptable today is not acceptable tomorrow. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Oh my God- I have a friend with a son who sounds SO much like yours! In addition to having this very smart and very strong-willed child, her husband was gone for 6-9 months at a time (military), so she had to cope with all of this alone. What she realized right off the bat, was that she could NEVER, EVER back down. She would put him in time-outs and he would scream bloody murder for 45 minutes straight, but she never gave in to him (and it would have been SO much easier on her mentally)- but she knew if she did he wouldn't learn anything. By the way- when I say time- outs that's not really an accurate description- it was more just an enforced "separation from mom" thing, because he had already received two verbal warnings to stop whatever behavior he was engaging in. The only thing I can do is to wish you a heartfelt "Good Luck", and to urge you to stick to your guns with him. NEVER let him get the upper hand. And, maybe going online to look up behavior issues would be helpful :)

Answer 4

I recommend 1-2-3 Magic. If you look on Amazon you should be able to find a used copy.

TIme outs work for most children as long as you are persistent. At this age he might not be able to feel genuinely sorry for whatever landed him there, but he will not like having to sit and miss out on fun. You might also try removing priveliges. The important thing with time out is that you make him sit - if he gets up start the time out over. Be persistent in putting him back in time out if he gets up before you tell him to, and don't engage in a big discussion about it with him. If he argues, remind him that "we are quiet in time out and your time out won't start until you stop talking", then be silent. If you give him too much attention during time out it will be a reward for him. When he gets up, make him say why he was there and what he can do different next time and have him say sorry - that's how kids learn empathy for others. It might take a while for this to work and take a lot on your part, but it will all pay off in the long run. Good luck!

Answer 5

I have a 3 year old who is the same, and a 15 mos who appears to be very similiar:)
It would seem that you have to learn to let some stuff go Mom, I know it;s hard but lets say you let him make a mess of the kitchen for 3 mins and then we have to stop and clean up?? it is only water, right?? He is at a very independent stage and needs some decision making skills,. also now that summer is here I would work to find a play group in your area, check w/even a local library for story time weekly, it is free and he is bound to make some new friends., the smarter they are the quicker they become bored w/"routine" , change it up, stay consistent in discipline and enjoy, time goes so fast!!!

Answer 6

First, do you ever allow him choices-to let him make any "small" decisions on his own? For instance, when picking out what to wear for the day-do you give him a choice between two shirts, etc.? He is at the age and stage to let him start doing these small decisions. With a strong willed (or any child for that matter) you set boundaries, and within those boundaries, you allow some freedom.
Several years ago I heard James Dobson on the radio, tlak of a dad who had taken his little (3 yr old I think) girl to a basketball game. He walked her around the boundary of the court, told her she could not go any further than that, then they sat in the bleachers. She got down, went over to the boundary line, looked up at her dad, and stepped her foot over the line. (Testing, testing). Please consider reading books on how to raise strong-willed children, or maybe a parenting class (doesn't mean you are a bad parent if you take a class). Time outs work best. My niece, with six children, her two youngest ones (3-5 at the time, I recall), had them stand in their Naughty spot-and she told them what they had done wrong (one at a time), when they repeated back to her when she asked what they had done wrong, and answered correctly, they were allowed to go back outside to play. Maybe even watching Super Nanny may help you. He is learning, that is part of his age-the time outs are working. Be happy he is strong willed-for when he is older, hopefully he won't want to give in to any "peer pressure". I wish you all the best. Take care.

Answer 7

First off...he's very normal. He's trying to act "adult." I don't think it ever goes away, but he will grow out of some of it. My sister's daughter had a thing for spitting, until my sister made her sit down with a cup and she had to fill the cup with spit. She hasn't done it since! Keep the time outs up, just be sure after each one you make him tell you why he was in time out and why it wasn't good behavior. You will learn very quick what he fully understands or not. And then of course, reinforce that you love him.

Answer 8

I have read Parenting the strong-willed child by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. It is a five-week program for parents of 2 to 6 year olds. Also check out indigo children, there is a bunch of information that might be interesting for you.

Answer 9

123 Magic is a very good program. Besides the book, they also have videos and tapes you can check out at your local public library.

Good luck! My son has a few similar traits. He is very strong willed, and dinner especially is a huge battle. Hope you find something that helps!

Answer 10

He is acting like everyother kid going through the terrible twos. Spanking isn't what is needed, discipline and consistency is what is needed. When you put him in time out you have to get to his level and explain to him WHY he is going into time out. When you take him out of time out you have to get to his leve and explain again WHY he was there THEN ask for an apology. When he spits at other people remove him from the area, put him in his room with a child gate in his doorway and tell him that until he can behave like a gentleman he can't be with everyone else.