What do you do with a strong willed defiant toddler? Any books you've read or suggestions? I'm at my wits end

Question

My son is 3 1/2 & very smart. He is also very defiant & 'spits' at people when they say something he doesnt like.he cant really spit so he tries & makes a BBBBZZZZ sound that is irrelevant, its his intention. He also just stomps his foot & says NO..I AM NOT DOING THAT! &folds his arms across his chest he tells us he hates or or slams the door in your face.I don't spank him unless he does something dangerous lI don't want to spank him or I'd be doing it 20 times some days ! I don't know if time outs really work, he says he is sorry when he comes out but I am not really sure that he even understands why he is in there. I know he doesnt sit & think about what he did wrong because all he does is cry for daddy while hes in there hoping my husband will let him out. What do you do with a kid like this? He is a sweet kid, he is very nice with other kids & plays nice doesnt hit or call names and tries to share. He tells you he loves you and LOVES hugs and kisses. He is just very strong willed!

Answer 1

Ah, the strong smart ones are always the hardest! I have two of those (4 and 2 and both boys). Spanking will only make them feel victimized and angry, thus losing the lesson. Time outs work really well for helping them get control of their emotions but not so good for discipline. We go for natural consequences (you spill it, you clean it, throwing toys means you don't want to play with them so they get taken away, etc). My sons like to do that raspberry think in order to annoy each other. I haven't figured out a good way to stop that one, for now I just separate them and put them to work cleaning or something. As for the stomping, arguing and not listening, that's a good thing (yeah right you are thinking). He has learned that he is a complete person with a will of his own and is trying to find out where and when he can use it. Sucks though, now he's a handful. For the next few days, watch how you word things so that he really can't say no. Instead of saying, "Would you please put your toys away?" or "Put your toys away?" try saying "Are you going to put the blocks away first, or the cars?" or some other tricky little thing that really doesn't leave the option of no. Give him lots of opportunities to exercise his will, have him choose lunch (give him two options) or whether the peanut butter or jelly goes on first. Save the battles for when they must happen (seatbelts etc). Keep a schedule so that you can say "It's time to ..." instead of it seeming like your whim. Give him lots of warning, sometimes its hard to change gears, "Jacob, we will be cleaning up for lunch in 5 minutes." and then warn him again at one minute and then go over and help him get started. The best thing to do is realize that your job is not to have a well-behaved child, but a self-disciplined adult. Sometimes that means taking the harder road and teaching your child to do it himself instead of just getting it done. Good luck, and keep hugging him.

Answer 2

First of all you are the adult here. Take control of the situation. When he tells you "no" don't take that for an answer. Grab him firmly by the shoulders, bend down to eye level and tell him firmly with a frown on your face, that he is NOT to tell you no. Then tell him again to do whatever it was that started this confrontation. If he tells you no again, explain that you'll spank him if he refuses again and FOLLOW THROUGH! Never make idle threats. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When he spits at someone spank him right there on the spot and explain that it is not acceptable behavior and you're not going to tolerate it. Children know the difference in a spanking and a beating. You have just proven what I suspected for a long time. Parents these days seem to think they'll be spanking all day if they start. That's not the case. Maybe a couple of times for each infraction but then they'll get the message and problem solved. Then on to the next problem. Remember
YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECT A DIFFERENT RESULT. Change you tactics. There's not a lot of difference in fear and respect. Some seem to think that spanking children will make them fear you. I was spanked and the only thing I feared was the spanking itself.
Be consistant. What is not acceptable today is not acceptable tomorrow. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Oh my God- I have a friend with a son who sounds SO much like yours! In addition to having this very smart and very strong-willed child, her husband was gone for 6-9 months at a time (military), so she had to cope with all of this alone. What she realized right off the bat, was that she could NEVER, EVER back down. She would put him in time-outs and he would scream bloody murder for 45 minutes straight, but she never gave in to him (and it would have been SO much easier on her mentally)- but she knew if she did he wouldn't learn anything. By the way- when I say time- outs that's not really an accurate description- it was more just an enforced "separation from mom" thing, because he had already received two verbal warnings to stop whatever behavior he was engaging in. The only thing I can do is to wish you a heartfelt "Good Luck", and to urge you to stick to your guns with him. NEVER let him get the upper hand. And, maybe going online to look up behavior issues would be helpful :)

Answer 4

My now 5 yr old had the same problem and the only way we managed to stop it ( although it does occasionally return until it is pointed out ) was by ignoring the behaviour - ie not saying anything just removing her from the situation, and then concequences etc. Once the episode was over she was explained to what was done wrong, and that if it happened again she would be going to her room. It meant that she didnt get to do a great deal of stuff, she slowly lost her toys etc and spent alot of time on her bed, but once she realized that everyone was on the same page and is was not tolerated it begun to stop - not before it got much much worse though, so hang in there!! It was a very tough 6/7 months, so I feel for you.

Answer 5

I am a mother of 3 incredibly strong willed children. I have raised them to understand that it is GOOD to have your own ideas and opinions and that it's always a good thing to stand your ground BUT that they also have to respect their elders and that there is a time and a place.

My youngest daughter is the one that tells me NO most often. If I tell her to pick up the mess she just made, she will say NO and run off. I walk after her, calmly, and take her arm and walk her back to the mess. I tell her to bend down and pick it up NOW or get a spanking/time out/go to bed, whatever. She has NEVER defied me at that point. I stay calm and she stays calm.

When she tries to spit, she gets a tap on her lips with my open palm. Just a tap, really light, at the source of the problem and she is told "we don't spit, it's dirty and it's nasty and it's not nice". She stops. Now, she might do it again later or the next day but all I have to do is look at her and say "stop now" and she will. She remembers the tap.

I also make sure I give my children options when I ask them to do something. I let them be in control of certain things in their lives. "Chicken nuggets or peanut butter?" I also explain consequences to them regularly "if you want to go outside to play you have to clean up all your toys". If they don't pick up the toys, no outside.

When she gets really defiant it's a time out away from everyone. Problem is that she likes the time out chair because it is in a room that she rarely gets to go in and she would sit there for hours if you let her! She gets a smack on the butt most times and it stops the behavior.

You have to be willing to communicate and follow through. Explain it all to them, what they did that was wrong, why it was wrong, and what they can do differently next time to avoid getting in trouble, but still follow through with whatever punishment you state.

Answer 6

You know, i was spanked when i was a kid. I turned out ok. I was NOT psychologically damaged. Your child needs a good butt kicking.

If you do not show him right from wrong, he will never learn it, and you need to show him NOW.

I dont care if your dont want to spank him, but you need to punish him in some way where he will respond in a positive manner.

It shows that you have NOT punished him at all. At least what you consider punishment has NOT been effective. I can tell you now, that if you do not get control of him soon, he will grow up to be a bully, and hateful. In todays society that is extremely dangerous.

I am sure you dont want your kid to grow up being a gang member or spending his life in prison, or worse dying at a young age.

Spank the kid!!!! You need to show him who is boss. If you do not, I fear for his future. Good luck .

Answer 7

You can try to read this book to see if this helps you or not.


The New Strong-Willed Child
Dr. James C. Dobson
CDs

Updated advice for an age-old dilemma! Dr. James Dobson, America's foremost parenting expert, shares advice on shaping the will of the strong-willed child. Learn the strategies that succeed, those which fail, and the encouragement of knowing how that headstrong child can become a man or woman of great character.

Answer 8

The 3's are sooo much harder than the 2's....I found this out when my twins turned 3....It is hard -- At 3, they are now so verbal and functional, and they are testing out their will and the ability to carry out their will. Unfortunately, they don't know much about reasonability, logic, tact, etc. I highly recommend a book called "Raising Your Spirited Child." (amazon link below)

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288/ref=sr_1_1/002-6178543-3422402?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180461785&sr=8-1

I have this book, and it's good. One of the points it makes is that the qualities that you often find that are hard to deal with in a 3 year old, are just the qualities you want them to have when they grow up. Not that you want your 20 year old to spit, but you do want your 20 year old to have the courage of his convictions, and the gump to do what he wants to do instead of following the crowd. This book helps you see your childs difficult qualities in a more positive light. Another book I've found useful is 1-2-3 Magic. It's a timeout based system which was effective for our family. Good luck -- and feel free to email.

Answer 9

Time outs obviously aren't working. This is what I did with my son, who as well is extremely smart for his age. When he did something that I didn't approve of with his mouth, he got smacked in it. More of a tap than anything, but it was the quick movement that got him. You say anything, just as soon as he spits, grab him up and smack him on the lips. Not to where it hurts him, but the all of a sudden movement scares them and then you have their attention. Then you get ontheir level and let them know that you do not do that. I also don't put up with fits. At the first sign of a fit, you send them away. "If you're going to throw a fit, then you can do it in your room." If they destroy their room, then they clean it up.

Answer 10

Those are the type of children that need to be spanked or else when they are older they will walk all over you. My daughter is very string willed and I would NEVER let her spit or tell me no, She will respect authority. Whatever your discipline choice is, know that you need to be firm and consistent. You have to put your foot down so that he knows who is the boss.