engaged, but i think I'm changing my mind???

Question

I have been with an absolutely wonderful man for 3.5 years now. We got engaged in August and are fully into the wedding plans. I already have a dress, the location, the date (Oct. 6, the caterer...everything! We've sent out the Save the Date cards and are getting ready to send out the invitations in a few weeks.

Now, I am having doubts. I love him, and know I want to spend the rest of my life with him - start a family & be faithful to him and only him, but I am beginning to resent having to let him know whenever I go out with my friends, and that I have to ignore my little crush's on other guys, and saving every penny I for this wedding. I just turned 22 last month, graduated last May and got my first job last August. I sort of feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy being a young "independant" woman. My first check with my new "corporate" job went straight to this wedding fund. I want to go out with the girls and stay out all hours of the night like I used to.

Any ideas?

Answer 1

Just because you are getting married doesn't mean that your social life ends! You will still be able to go out with your friends, just so long as you aren't doing anything to jeopardize your marriage. You will also always have a date if plans with the girls fall through. Think about what you will be losing if you end your engagement. You have obviously found a guy who loves you and is committed to spending the rest of his life with your. I can almost guarantee that in a few years you would regret letting him go, especially when your friends are all settling down.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

I feel like I understand what you may be going through.

I'm in the process of planning my wedding right now too (our date is in October, as well). It's a scary thing. A really scary thing - especially seeing how much everything is costing. Just renting the space and paying for the food is costing what I thought I could do the whole wedding for - and it's nothing extravagant.

I'm surprised at all of the curt and almost mean answers you have been getting.

It's okay to feel what you feel. You just need to sort through your thoughts and feelings. You might just be panicking, or under a lot of stress from planning the wedding, but maybe somewhere deep inside you know you're not ready.

Ask yourself some questions to figure out how you really feel and what is most important to you. What would happen if you postponed your wedding? What would happen if you got married as planned? What do you fear about marriage? What do you look forward to? What will change once you're married? And ask yourself questions about other issues that may be weighing on your mind.

Once you've figured some things out for yourself, have a heart to heart with your fiance. Be open and honest with each other. If you truly are a match, you'll figure out what's best for both of you together.

My fiance waited a long time to get married - we wanted to make sure we felt ready and grown up enough - lol. We've been dating since we were 13. We're now 30. We're a great team and we wanted to feel like we were really ready. We wanted our lives to be settled a bit - steady job, place to live, etc. We've always been a great team - and never pressured each other to do something we weren't ready to.

Don't let other people tell you what to do. Make sure you are following your head, heart, and gut - if they're all in accord, you're making the right choice.

I hope this helps. Don't lose heart. Think it through, you'll know what's right.

Good luck!

Answer 3

First off marriage is not something to take lightly. You should take a break from things, go on a little vacation alone. Think about what you want, write them down, keep a journal. Then if you haven't completely figured out whether you want to get married still talk to your soon to be husband. Tell him that you have some worries and that you are scared because i bet that he has his own fears. The two of you need to discuss these worries before you continue setting plans. Every person that has gotten married has had fears and worries its all a matter of how you handle them. Marriage can be wonderful but it takes work and communication. The two of you should have future plans set out like when you want to start having children, where you want to live, when to buy a house. All of this does matter and if not discussed can cause major problems in a marriage. So write every thing down that you need to discuss. Write everything down that is important to you and have him do the same, this way nothing gets forgot and the two of you can decide together if you should continue with the wedding or wait because you can still have friends and hang out when you are married it's just you have to think about some one else other than your self but if your not ready for that don't do it. Marriage is a road trip, there will be rough roads, car trouble, and no signs for where you are but if you decide things together you will make it. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Ah the pains of growing up - welcome to adulthood.

I think you may be having cold feet - normal. Get over it.

Now then - why is the elaborate wedding such an important life or death situation!? Who says you can't be just as married with something more subdued that doesn't eat up half your income? I'd scale things back and use the extra $$ for a house or pay off student loans...

BUT the catch here is the word "resent" (as in "having to let him know whenever I go out with friends and I have to ignore my little crushes on other guys...") That scares me.

See, you can't have it both ways. You can go out partying with your girlfriends all night long whenever you wish - or you can have a loving, steady husband to father your children and be faithful to you. But not both - Doesn't work that way.

Pick one. If it's the wedding - then can it with the whining and the attitude. If it's a single life - then call off the whole thing - and leave the fiance. Yep. I mean dump, end the relationship, whatever. It would have to be over if only for your sanity.

Essentially, make a choice. Stick with it. Don't look back at what might have been.

Answer 5

It sounds like you have a case of cold feet! That's okay, it happens to the best of us! If you have been together for 3.5 years, and he accepts you going out with your gal pals and having a good time, then why do you think he'll put the ball and chain on you as soon as you get that ring on the finger? If he doesn't mind you going out now, I doubt he will change the rules once you get married.

If you KNOW he is the one, and you can't picture yourself without him, then don't throw it all away just to party. You don't want to look back on your life in 10 years, and think if only... Don't throw a great guy you love away and regret it in the long run, but at the same time, if partying with you pals is more important, then you're not ready to be married.

Go out with your girlfriends, have your little (innocent) guy crushes, be 22 years old, work your butt off at your new job, and be with the man you love. You can do it! Women today can do it all, and be satisfied = )

Good luck on your wedding!!!

Answer 6

You are seriously contradicting yourself. Either you are ready to settle down with this man, or you aren't. You can't have it both ways. When you are married or engaged to be married, it is reasonable that you let the other person know about your activities, where you will be, etc. It's common curtesy.

Sure it's okay to go out with the girls and have fun (and BEHAVE) once in a while, but the carefree "independent" days are over. If you are willing to sacrifice this "absolutely wonderful" man to be carefree, that is your choice. But if you want to have your cake and eat it too, then HE deserves better.

Decide what is more important to you, and stick by your choice.

This feeling that you are having is EXACTLY why so many people probably have told you that you are too young to get married.

And if he truly is wonderful, there is no reason to act on these other little crushes. They are probably losers anyways. Do you want to hurt an amazing man and lose him over some loser? Make sure you know what you have... and have what you want.

Answer 7

Dont get married than. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. either you want to go out with the girls and be single and have fun or you want to be married to the wonderful man in which im sure you still can go out everyonce in a while but yes you will have to tell him where your going and you will have to stay faithful. Weddings cost a lot of money and depends on how bad you want it, Sounds to me you love him but arent ready to give up your life. I am also 22 and I am married with a 3 month old baby. I have went out once with my friends to a bar the whole time I was married. Me and hubby go out sometimes togeather. I am a student and a stay at home mommy and wife. I love it but I chose that life. A family was more inportant that partying but that is just me. There is nothing wrong with waiting. You are 22 and still young. Good Luck!!

Answer 8

It sounds like you still want to be single and experience your 20s that way. However if you are sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with him then know more then likely if you call off the wedding you will loose him. However you strike having to ignore your crushes on other guys as a problem If you are not ready to give up crushing on other guys and seriously flirting for him I don't think you really are sure. You are not married yet there is still time. It is easier to leave now then after the wedding. Having a doubt now and then is one thing I mean marriage is a big commitment. However resenting him and it is another. That is something that will get worse with time. I would talk about some of your feelings with him make sure not to mention the thing about the crushes on the other guys and to do it in a way that doesn't lay blame on him or make him feel threatened about loosing you. maybe something like...

I would like to have some money from my pay checks which is mine to do with as I wish without question of where it is going. I understand that we are getting married and having a wedding is expensive. Also there are times when I would like to go out with my girlfriends without having to account for everything we are going to do ahead of time.

Part of what you are asking for there is for him to trust you that when you say you're going out with the girls you are doing just that. Trust is something you must earn from him. If he sees you flirting with guys all the time then he is not going to trust you.

Answer 9

Getting married is a HUGE step in any ones life young or old. It seems as though you are just overwhelmed with how fast things are moving.

Take a deep breath and think about things, if you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy the plans will be the same the next 10 years as they are today. It's still gonna take all your money & time and you will still have to make sacrifices.

If you're having doughts because you don't like telling him where you are all the time & you can't hang out with the girls as late as you would like, thats not reason eonugh to jepordise a good relationship. Hang on the chaos will be over soon

Answer 10

what you are going through is exactly what i was going through a few months ago. i also am 22, and all my friends are single and have tons of fun clubbing and partying. it is not that i don't love my man, but i too felt like i wasn't finished living the fun, single life just yet. i think you should wait to get married. everything that is happening to you is the same thing that happened to me, and both me and my man decided that it just wasn't the right time. things are soooooo much better between us too! what i suggest is to give yourself time with this new job, you never know how much a career can change your views on things. also, go out with your friends a few times out of the month. as long as you know that you are being faithful and not doing anything wrong, then you will be fine. to keep things cool between you and your fiance, i would tell him what your plans were with your friends, just so he can feel assured that you aren't doing anything bad. he probably knows what a prize he has, and so he might feel insecure at times..nothing wrong with that=). as far as the little crushes..well, you can always have 'eye candy', and fantasies are healthy. as long as you don't pursue any of these crushes, things will be alright. i know i have typed a lot, but i wanted to give you an honest answer, not one that i thought you may have wanted to hear:) since you sound exactly how i did a few months back, i would definately tell you that marriage might be something spectacular for you guys in the future....only get married when you 'feel' that it is the right time. you know deep down when the timing is right. wish you luck!

Answer 11

Sweetheart, this is not the end of your life! Girl trust me I understand that you want to be with your girls and hand out, just because your married should not mean that you lose all freedom. You have to have an understanding with your mate. This is a great guy for you, so you say so whats the problem? You can't be selfish going into a marriage if you have a good man in your corner then stay with him, there is nothing out there, it's heard to find a good mate now days. I think your lucky to have a good man and good luck with everything! I have a good man in my life and nothing will come between us, we have a good thing going and so do you and your fiance! Look pretty on Oct.6