Should I let my mom have custody of my son?

Question

My son, who is 8, has been staying with my parents for the past two years. When I force him to come home, he cries, won't sleep, and I end up letting him go back there. I have never been neglectful of my son; I am a good parent. (I also have a 4-year-old daughter who is an absolute angel.) Part of my son's problem rests in his initial upbringing. His father was an abusive alcoholic, and I got out of that situation. Regardless of what I told the courts during our custody battle when he was 3, his dad still sees him regularly. Also, my son has some developmental disablilities, like ADHD and other behavior problems. I am married, and my son hates my husband. Every time he's home, he says that he wants me to get a divorce and get back with his dad, and he says it in front of my husband. My son requires someone to be with him at school, and my mom goes every day, since she is a homemaker. I work full-time, I'm in school, and I have another child, so I don't have time to do this.

Needless to say, this is taking it's toll on my health and family. My son wants to live my parents, and even though it hurts me, I know he'd probably be happier. However, I don't want to screw him up by letting him do this. I need advice.

Answer 1

If you are not a substance abuser of any sort and are a fit parent, then you need to have your son with you. No school district requires that a parent/guardian accompany a child to school each day. You mother sounds like a control freak. That is stunting his growth and it needs to end today. Get your son, let him cry for a day or two, the transition will be tough. But your son will never forgive for just giving him away if you were perfectly capable of caring for him.

Your son needs counseling, as do you.

Please do not choose another man over your child.

We have a severe ADHD son, he's 17 now and we NEVER sat with him in school. That's nonsense. You should not allow that anymore.

Answer 2

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way but you sound very defeated. Has your mom supported you in your parenting wishes to have your son in your house and only visiting hers? I spent summers with my grandparents until I was old enough to spend my summers with friends or just hanging around the house. You should talk to your mom and lay out a plan to gradually work him back in to your home. There are resources that would provide a sitter (not babysitter) for your son at school. This would also provide him with further socialization. If your Ex-husband is sober and well rounded while your son is around I think you should support your son seeing him as long as the abuse was towards your son. The problems you had with your Ex should never afffect the relationship between your son and his father. You new husband should work to build a relationship with your son. Even though he is only 8 trust, respect and friendship are not a given. They are something that still needs earned. If your husband has allowed himself to remain a stranger to your son I would like at your husband for change and not your son. It sounds as though there are so many issues going on that aren't even related that you need to recognize that each issue needs dealt with seperately. This should also make reestablishing your role as mother and provider easier to accomplish. If you become to defeated or bogged down a therapist maybe able to help with you and possible the mother, the ex, the new husband and the son. Giving up custody is the worst thing you could do. Imagine what kind of example that would set for your kids. Would they understand? Would they think they can pick and choose what children they raise? If all else fails remember that when you make the decision to have children you are making a decision to raise them, protect them and to put nothing else above them. What decision are you making?

- Wife & Mother of two rugrats

Answer 3

A lot depends on whether your mother WANTS to take on that responsiblity. If he is doing well there and she is OK with the situation, then it may be the best thing for him.

A child needs some consistency in his life. And your son needs the extra help that a stay-at-home caretaker can provide.

I hope that the child's father is seeing him only with supervision. If the father still has "issues" it can't be good for your son to be with him unsupervised.

I sympathize with you -- a child with ADHD is a challenge and your situation makes it a bigger challenge.

Make sure that you continue to have contact with your son, even if he is not living with you. He needs to know that you will always love him, no matter where he is living.

Answer 4

I had my son at 14, and his dad left when I was 16, since I was working and still going to school, I left my son living with his grandmother. I got married and have a house now, but my son acted the same way when I tried to have him living with me. He will only stay with me for a few days at a time before he starts acting out and crying wanting to go back to his grandmother. I let him, though it hurts me because I want him to be happy. I feel like this was the best thing for him and since then I have given his grandmother custody to keep his abusive father from trying to take him. Doing what's best for the child is all that matters. He knows you love him. Just call him frequently, get him when you can. Stay a part of his life and everything will be fine. Keep your head up, you are doing what's best for everyone.

Answer 5

I think you need to determine whats best for the child! Please before you make the final decision have someone (regardless of cost) do a psychological exam of your child. Having someone go to school with a child seems UNUSUAL. Keeping him with your mom MAY be causing him the harm. A too close relationship can be just as damaging as a lax one. When your son says I want you to get a divorce and get back with my dad- tell him that it will never happen. He needs to know the truth - his dad hurt you and no one has the right to physically hurt someone else.

Do not damage your marriage and your current husband has to part of whatever decision you make.

Answer 6

It sounds like you've covered all of the bases here and given us lots of information. Right now, I'd give her temporary custody, continue working at getting your son's trust in you again and go from there. You should also sit down with him and explain everything to him. This will take some time - so you'll need to be really patient and keep the communication going with your son.

Answer 7

Talk to the Dr and see what they say. Ask for a consultation visit and you and your mother and child go to the Dr. More and likely they will refer you to a therapist or counselor. Talk to them and try to get this settled. Your son my be using the hate thing with his step dad because he wants to go back to his grandparents. In my opinion he should be home with you and have counseling for what has been happening in the last few years.

Answer 8

Seek family counseling and all that are involved go to all appointments. This will not only help the relationship between your son, you and your husband but will help you decide what is the best living situation for all of you!
Good luck!

Answer 9

It sounds like your son is happy being with your parents. If they are more capable of taking care of his needs, then I would let him stay with them. I would make sure you stay a very big part of his life. Visit him and stay current with his school and other activities. Keep him well acquainted with his sister too.

Answer 10

If you are sure it will make him happy then I would do it. Make sure you still frequently visit your son and make sure he knows you love him and you are only doing this to make him happy. I seems like your mom is a great person and you are lucky to have her. You are your childs mother, if you feel it is going to be the best thing, you are probably right, you know him better than anyone. Good luck!