What to do about sibling rivalry?

Question

My four year old has suddenly started calling his little brother (22 Months) a jerk and saying that he is not his brother etc etc. I spend alot of individual time with both of them and it doesn't seem to help. I also tried reasoning with the four year old. Yeah, I know that was stupid!! Anyway, do I just let it ride out and see what happens or should I intervene?

Wow. A ton of constructive answers here!! I don't know which one to choose as best!! I'll give that some thought. I appreciate everyones input. Just to shed a little more light on the situation I am a stay at home dad with six month old twins on top of the 4 year old and 22 month old. I heard the ring of truth in every answer. Hopefully I will be able to learn enough from this situation to be more adept at dealing with it the next time it comes around. Thanks again.

Answer 1

It's just a phase and sibling rivalry. Get the four year old involved with the care and education process of the younger one.
I ran across this very same thing one day when my grand daughters were staying with me for the weekend. I was in the kitchen doing something, the three girls were at the dining room table being creative with paper and crayons. All of a sudden, one of the twins got upset with her younger sister and told her "stop copying me!" I stopped what I was doing, sat down at the dining room table and gave them a lecture.
I looked at the twin (who was doing the complaining) and said "do you remember how you learned the alphabet and words? By copying the letters and words from what others showed and told you. Your sister is exactly where you were at two years ago. Do NOT expect her to be at your level and do NOT tell her to stop copying. She needs your help, just like your parents and I helped you when you were in kindergarten. Now be the big sister and help her - do NOT push her away!" She looked at me, with a tear in her eye, got up from her chair, stood next to her younger sister and said "I'm sorry Kristina. Now what do you need help with?" Later she approached me, in the kitchen, told me she was sorry and gave me a big hug.
It took about a month for this to really sink in with the twin. Now, she stops and thinks to what she was going through two years ago and helps more.

Answer 2

I think kids need to be able to vent their frustrations and anger or whatever. But there shouldn't be name calling or "I hate yous" When your son tells his brother he's a jerk, you need to firmly tell him that is not allowed. Maybe a "time out" chair would work when he makes those bad comments. He should be in a time chair for 4 min. One minute per year. Explain the rules first...no name calling or saying "You're not my brother", etc. If he says something bad then 4 min. in the time out area (don't send him to his room---you don't want his room to be associated with punishment) Explain that if he screams or acts out in the time out he'll have to stay one minute longer for each outburst. Be consistent!!! After the time out have him apologize to brother and you. And make sure you give a hug and kiss when it's all done. Also try to figure out why he thinks his brother's a jerk. Say something like, "I know it's hard when Joey tries to get at the toys you're playing with" or whatever. Let him know his feelings of frustraion are ok.
When my kids were a little older and were fighting...sometimes I did just ride it out. As long as no blood was being drawn... Sometimes the fighting is just a way to get Mom's attention. So when I didn't give them the attention (just monitored them without them knowing) they soon would stop fighting.
When they were older yet and fighting, I had a different way of "kiss and make-up" I'd make them say 3 nice things about each other to each other. Sometimes they would have a hard time and end up with some pretty lame things, like "I think it's nice that you have blue shoes." Often they would end up laughing about how dumb Mom was for making them do this. But it worked.
Sorry, this is Way more than you asked for. I guess your questions just got me going dowm memory lane. My kids are all youg adults now. I really miss those toddler years.
I know everyone says it, but it's true...they grow up so fast!!! Enjoy everyday with them!!

Answer 3

Sibling rivalry is horrible. My brother and I used to get so violent with each other that is was actually dangerous to leave us alone together (as teenagers). Eventually we bonded.

Although we did bond to gang up on our poor mother so - probably not the outcome you want.

I would say nip it in the bud. Don't reason with the older one (it is like talking to a wall). Simply put him in time out consistently every time you see him acting that way and give praise (or whatever) when you see them playing nicely. I don't mean that you should completely intervene as they have to find a way to interact together, but only when the behavior is mean or violent.

I would nip it now, Or you will be the referee forever. Good luck!

Answer 4

Please get a copy of "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Elaine Faber. It has a lot of good information about how to deal with sibling rivalry without accidentally instigating it. There are a lot of preventative strategies and ideas for dealing with arguments, name calling, and violence.

At four-years-old your son should start being able to understand that name-calling is not good. Whenever my daughter (age 4 1/2) does name-calling or saying bad words, I make a point of re-iterating that we do not say hurtful words, and that she has a right to be frustrated or angry but not to be hurtful to others.

Your son might be getting frustrated because little brother is expressing more opinions, crowding into his personal space, or messing up his games unintentionally. You might need to set aside a space for your older son to play undisturbed. Instead of getting immediately corrective, you might want to ask if there is a problem. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Answer 5

punish the crime, without getting in the middle, for example, in my house you do not call people names, calling anyone a jerk gets a time out, and why would he say you are not my brother, i would ask him why he is saying such a horrible thing, do activities with both together and if they cannot get along then the activity is over, all for one approach, this is a struggle that you are going to deal with a lot,or a little, depending on how you deal with it now, i would go to the library and really read up, i have 4 sons and a girl, people disagree about handling sibling rivalry, read up on all views and choose for yourself

Answer 6

make the 4 year old go to his room for 5 minutes every time he calls the little brother names. i do this with my 5 year old and his 2 year old brother.

Answer 7

The four year was used to getting all the attention and now all of a sudden theres this other kid whos invading his space. Hes jelous that hes not getting the kind of attention he used to have. But you have to keep in mind that he is only four years old, he will grow out of it.

Answer 8

The alpha will wins. I have 3 boys, 5 yrs. old and twins 3. The war began 8mos.ago. I'm praying this ends soon. I have tried everything.
God Bless you.