What do you do if you're ex-husband makes your vegetarian child eat meat?

Question

My son has been a vegetarian for one month, like me (but I don't have dairy products either, my son does). My ex-husband lives 4 hours away and sees his son every 3 weeks. This summer he is with him for 6 weeks. My son tells me he eats McDonalds, ham, steak, and pork at Daddys.

I have tried to talk to my mental case ex-husband, but he just tells me "He eats what we eat!"

What could I do?

Answer 1

Whatever you do, do not put the child in the middle of it. His life is bad enough not having Mommy and Daddy together, he doesn't need to be made to feel bad because you disapprove of his diet. I am sure you do want what is best for him, so do I, but this is probably a case where more damage will be done by making it a battle than the meat can possibly ever do.
If the guy thinks you will be upset by feeding the child meat, it will be meat in every course, every snack, every meal, every day.
The boy will be generally healthy if you are feeding him good stuff.
Please be kind to yourself and please do not make a big deal out of it. He will be guilty thinking he is not pleasing his Mommy. I know, I was one of those kids who never pleased either of my parents. If I pleased one, the other was mad at me. Deep issues remain today (I am 50).

When the boy tells you about the McBurgers, smack your lips and go YUM! Then ask him if he wants a really healthy McBurger and make him a soy burger or garden burger with all the traditional trimmings. Please do not pour on the guilt, PLEASE?

Answer 2

That's the way it goes.
Always find a mate who is going to be a life long one.
That said, nothing you can do about it. It's only every 3 weeks. No big deal. Let your child decide. It will be obvious that he will feel sick or not very well after visiting daddy. The more you push him and your ex to be vegetarian, the more they will rebel against you -- since they are both childish. So, just chill and just do what you do and let your ex do what he does. Say chilled and never start any kind of silly war over something as trivial as junk food ever 3 weeks. This is the price you pay for such a relationship and you will just have to learn to zip your lips if you want to keep the waters calm. I know a family where the father was the vegan and the wife was not -- when they split up the kids rebelled against him since they were living with their mother and went the total opposite direction eating anything and everything under the sun that was not good for them. Years later, one of them is still like that while the other is slowly eating healthier food, but they are basically still a junk food family. The best way to influence your child is to make good healthy tasty food, and get him to participate in making things too -- especially the cookies. Kids are not stupid and if you try to be vocally against him eating what daddy gives him, it's a very negative approach and you'll look like the 'bad guy'. Influence him subtly and always in a positive way and he'll eventually say to his dad, "let's bake some cookies together" or "I don't feel like eating at McDonalds" or whatever. Also, it's only been a month, so your ex might just adjust after a length of time -- I wouldn't even mention it to your ex or your son (the word vegetarian etc.), Your ex (if he's an a**hole) can do everything in his power to do the opposite. So, just keep it under wraps, and make healthy tasty vegan food and that's all you have to do. Take a cooking class or lessons from a vegan foodie friend if you are no good at cooking.

Answer 3

No it isn't abusive. But it shows a lack of respect for the child's views and opinions, and for the child's growing independence - perhaps even a fear of the child's growing independence. A refusal to discuss the subject, a refusal to accommodate any changes in diet, and tricking ANYBODY into eating something they don't wish to eat show a lack of respect, as does 'Do what I say until you're 18!', without possibility of discussion, debate or compromise. When I went vegetarian at 16 my parents assumed it was a phase, but respected my beliefs. Providing an alternative, teaching me to do some of my own cooking and meal preparation, making sure I had as varied and balanced a diet as the rest of the family (far more varied as it turned out) were not difficult and did not involve any anxiety or additional expense. They eventually stopped waiting for the phase to come to anend - I'm 57 now. I disagree though with those who claim the term child abuse should be reserved for obviously outrageous acts of child cruelty. There are many ways a child can be abused without physical cruelty or deprivation; indifference, for example. The examples evirustheslaye has linked to of 'parents causing malnutrition in their children due to their vegetarian life style' are in fact examples of bad parenting, ignorance and stupidity - qualities not limited to veg*ns. Most children who are starved and neglected to death are not the children of veg*n parents.

Answer 4

Kill him.

No, in all seriousness, though it's horrible that he's not respecting your decisions, talk to your son about it maybe. See if he likes what he's eating when he visits his father. If he sees his son so little, you would think he'd be a little kinder, and maybe offer him something more nutritious than McDonalds, that really upsets me.
If he likes the pork, ham, steak etc, than let him eat it, and make his own decisions on what he consumes.
I personally see my dad the same amount of time, am a vegan by choice, and although no one else is, he makes sure there is something I can always eat.
He's only been a vegetarian for about a month, so he might enjoy meat. Just allow him to make his own decisions. And, if your son says that he doesn't like meat, than talk to your ex (talk, not chop in half with a cleaver, though it may sound fun ;) ) and, explain to him how it is.

Good luck!

Answer 5

You didn't say how old your son is. If he is young, he should be allowed to eat what his father offers him while in his care. I agree that McDonalds and such is not healthy, but your son will have to learn to adapt to two different households, and a diet is part of that. Now, if he is old enough to make his own decision about vegetarianism (like 14 years or older), then his dad should not force him to eat something he does not want to. My advice would be to keep up your vegetarian ways with your son at home, and stress how much healthier it is. Alot of vegetarian parents do it this way. While in their home, they will not consume animal flesh. But when they are out in the world, kids are allowed to make their own decision. Some choose to eat meat, and others don't. I personally think it's fair to teach kids the truth about where meat comes from and let them make an informed decision. I don't think this is a battle you're going to win by bullying your ex.

Answer 6

Unless your husband is shoving food down your sons throat, he's not MAKING him do anything. He is simply feeding him differently. You don't mention your sons age but it seems like he really doesn't care about the change in diet nearly as much as you do. You'll just have to let it go so long as your ex isn't strapping him to a chair and funneling chicken nuggets down his throat. Your son has either made the decision to be an omnivore or hasn't decided what to do yet. The worst you can do is place him in the middle of you and your ex. You didn't really expect your ex to go vegetarian simply to make you happy did you?
If your son is a teenager and wants to be vegetarian he will need to tell that to his father. Otherwise just let it go. Your son will not keel over with arterial clogging because he has McDonalds every 3 weeks. You just have to accept you can't dictate how your ex parents.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, in separated families with joint custody of children, there are often many issues that the separate parents disagree on. It seems like your son is very young, perhaps too young to make his own decision. If that's the case, then at his daddy's house, he's going to eat meat. When in his father's care, his dad is responsible for doing what he thinks is best.

If you really want your son to become a vegetarian (it doesn't sound like he is, since he doesn't seem to understand or even particularly care about his diet), then just explain in as non-judgmental a manner as possible, why you don't eat meat. Don't compare your diet to his dad's. Just tell him why you're no longer eating meat, and why you think it's best for him. Perhaps, over time, if he agrees with you, he will start voicing his vegetarian preferences to his father. At this time, you can support him in getting his father to serve him vegetarian alternatives. But his dad doesn't have to listen to you, just like you don't have to listen to him if he wants you to serve your son meat. Your father does need to honor your son's wishes, however, so when that time comes, you can be your son's advocate for a vegetarian diet while in his father's care.

Answer 8

i think that your ex's answer is incredibly true, 'he eats what we eat,' is essentially what you both want for your son. unless there is a specific MEDICAL reason that your son should not be eating meat, doesn't sound like you have much leverage. it sounds like this is a personal preference of yours that you are passing onto your son, which is fine, but your ex is just doing the same thing. doesn't sound like this is really about meat or no-meat at all, but the territory of your son's habits and who controls them. don't do that to him, especially at such a young age.

it's totally acceptable to have one kind of food at mom's house and another at dad's....and he is too young to be forced to make a decision and choose between his parents. in a few years, see whether he wants to be a vegetarian or not, but for now, doesn't sound like you can or should do anything. you're both trying to parent your child, which is good, just keep in mind that his health AND happiness are equally important, and a hamburger every now and then with his dad might not be the end of the world. after all, he's not forcing YOU to eat it.

Answer 9

Well, I don't know that there is anything you can do about it. I would say that your ex can feed the child any food he wants to (within reason of course) while he is in his custody. I think that until your child is old enough to decide for himself what he wants to eat and what he doesn't it will be up the parent who has custody at the time decide what he should be offered to eat. If you think about it, your ex could be just as upset about you NOT feeding him meat as you are about him giving it to him. It's a matter of opinion and you are both his parents. Give him the choice when he is old enough, but for now I don't think it is a bad idea that he is given different options at different places. That will enable him to make an informed decision when he is of an age to decide for himself.

Answer 10

You need to let your son know that being a vegetarian is not easy. Whatever the purpose of being a vegetarian is, whether it is because of health or religion, he needs to realize the reason he is avoiding meat. When he understands the purpose behind all that, then he can be strong and stick to what he believes in. It is easy to give in to meaty burgers and it takes time to resist all the temptations. If he does not want to eat meat, no one can force him (well unless your ex husband shove it in his mouth).