My kids are driving my husband away!!!?

Question

Ok here is my living situation: Me, My husband, MY 11 year old son, MY 4 year old daughter and OUR 22 month old daughter.

My son will not show me OR my husband ANY kind of respect, he is asked simple things by us, and either flat out refuses to do it, or throws the biggest fit in the world, we dont ask much of him, just simple things (garbage, litter box, not to act like a little thug etc.) but he just continues to be ignorant with our wishes, my older daughter is starting to be the same way, she wont listen, she literally laughs when we yell at her, and she thinks that when ever we are trying to punish her it is all a joke. I have talked with my sons father and he is fine if I send my son to live with him (this has been on going for a LONG time and we have tried everything we can think of trying to get him to change his ways) but, sending my daughter to her fathers is out of the question (I am currently pursuing a soul custody court order) besides, she seems to listen at least a

little bit better when my son is not home. What the H*E*L*L am I supposed to do? My husband has told me that he cannot deal with this much longer. He knows it would break our heart if he left (at least mine and my girls) and I am fed up with my son as well. I dont want my son thinking that I would be sending him away just to please my husband, THAT IS NOT THE case. I just do not know what to do!! I can not take much more of it! My husband feels like he has to stay in our room to avoid any altercations and arguments that may happen, because whatever is said to my son, it just always turns out to be an argument. Help me please!

***Also, it is court ordered that my son will be going to his dads for the summer, but I honestly cant say that I want him to come back for the new school year. Am I really wrong for wanting to see if he can better his behavior by having him stay at his dads?

Answer 1

My 18 year old son moved out on his 18th birthday. He was a horrible influence on my 16 year old daughter for many years. He climbed in and out of windows in the night, drank, had sex, did drugs, got expelled from school and basically fought any kind of authority figure including his parents. He didn't want to live by our rules and just up and left. Our home has been a very peaceful, soft, quiet and family oriented home ever since. My daughter saw the destruction that he caused and decided to change her ways immediately. She is now on the B honor roll and is very loving. I think it was caught in time. Hang in there with your daughter and be very very firm with your son, even if that means him not living there with you. You will see the changes in your daughter and perhaps your son as well. This situation with me is with me and their step dad. That was half the problem. You made the decision to marry and stay with this man. Treat him as a part of the family including all decisions and be a united front. Your son will see that he will not win.

Answer 2

You are a MOTHER and should never QUIT that easy! It sounds like both your children have had no discipline and from the looks of it, the pattern will remain the same - unless you finally DO something about it. Do NOT give up on your son. Mother's are not about taking the EASY way out. It shows we're failures that way. If he goes away he will never forgive you and he will feel unloved and HATE you for giving up on him - forever.
You should look into enrolling him in a discipline / behavior course or perhaps Karate - educate his mind, body, attitude, self confidence, and he will learn self control.
Did you ever wonder why he misbehaves? What is the ROOT of his actions? Could it be because he feels neglected? Does your husband mistreat him? Do you ever get involved in his life? Does he have behavioral trouble in school? Have you made an effort to speak with his teachers? Is someone bullying him around? Ask yourself these questions before doing anything STUPID you will regret one day!

Answer 3

Sounds as though the best thing is to have the son stay with his father. You do need to keep some type of relationship with the son though. Maybe talking to the boys father you can get it to where your son does quit acting the way he does. He might be confused with the breakup of his mom & dad and he doesn't want the change that is happening in his life. When I got divorsed, it was a bad one, and my son ended up getting the worse of it. He felt pulled apart. His mother didn't want him to have anything to do with me, just as she didn't want me to have anything to do with my parents. He pulled away just like I did from her. I talked to him about it telling him that his mother & I just didn't get along. He was even to the point where he thought it was his fault. He needs to know that he is loved by both parents. Also, he needs to know that his parents still care about how the other is doing. I ask him how his mother is doing. Her & I never talk and so I ask him. At first he just said "ok." but now he has gotten to the point where he tells me how she has been feeling. Your son is just small, but when you get to see him, you need to talk to him, show him that you do care for him and for his dad. Things are just different between you and his dad now. Divorse, I think, hurts the kids the most.

Answer 4

Never compare step kids to your biological kids. That just causes problems. All the children should be helping out at home - to the best of their ability. I believe the problem is not with your kids but with your husband. How was he raised? Did his mother do everything for him? Talk to him and tell him that you need the kids to start helping more around the house so you guys can have more time together. If he is not willing to get the kids to help then tell him you want to hire a maid!

Answer 5

First off, if your husband leaves, he doesn't really love you because he promised with marriage he would put up with this. Your kids are getting older and it will only get worse. Stop being nice and be a MOM. Beat them, take things away from them, however you do it, JUST DO IT! You are the adult and that is what you need to teach both of them. They can't say anything to you until they are at least 18 years of age. STAND UP TO THEM. Show them you are the superior, not them. You are letting your kids control you instead of the other way around.

Answer 6

I once heard Dr. Phil talk about currency,,,,,,,,,,,You are the bank and are able to RE-PO any of their belongings according to the punishment. It is in possession of the bank in return for a week, two weeks, or a month of Good behavior. One slip up of payment and the item is donated to a charitable cause,,,,,,,,,GONE FOREVER. The lesson of consequence. The more you confront their behavior the more you are giving in to the confrontation that they want. They have learned to wear you down in this way. Do not give over or try to pity the situation. Surprise is your strongest weapon. Surprise will teach them that you are the adult and the authority and have the final say in all decisions. You and your husband have to be a team, beware if they ever divide and conquer your team. Best of wishes to you all.

Answer 7

Eleven years old is a hard age with boys. I would not send any of the kids anywhere, particularly a 4 year old.
I don't know what your consequences are for your son when he refuses to obey you. Usually grouding works at this age, but only if the groundwork has been laid for years ahead.

Answer 8

Sounds like family counseling is in order. Your son is WAY out of control...Hope your husband can be patient, mothers should not have to choose between another man and their sons...Or daughters>

Answer 9

It Sounds Like your son Needs a dose of reality . No 11 yr old should act like that. If it where My child i would whoop his butt. Disrespect In children these days is becoming horrible and Needs to be addressed .

Answer 10

This is what you have to do (been there). You sit those kids down of your and tell them they are going respect they're step daddy and you or they are going to be punished. Then punish them if they pull it again! You have to make a child respect you . Don't let no young-un rule your castle. They can rule there own when they get it one day, but not yours. If hubby is a good man - then you have make them obey him. Be a team and you win!