How Do I make him understand? (see details)?

Question

O.K. my brother in law to be is an alcoholic. when he is broke he says he is done with drinking and when he gets money instead of paying bills, and trying to find his own place he goes out all night and parties and then hides in his room. this has gone on too long already and i feel that he will never change as long as he lives here. my question is how do i get my fiance to understand that it is time for his little brother to move out and grow up? any serious suggestions are greatly appreciated. thanks.

here is a little background about the situation. my fiance lost a brother last summer and feels (my fiance is the oldest of 4 boys) that it is his job to protect his brothers so the remaining 2 dont die. it is a sad situation.

Answer 1

I'm not sure you can, however you need to draw a line. This is not a healthy situation for you or a marriage. You can't get married unless it changes first, because otherwise it won't change afterward. Tell your fiance how you feel and that you can't marry under those conditions. Don't say that you won't marry him, just that you can't...huge difference.

Think hard about this, it is his brother and he has already picked him over a stable household. It's not a far reach for him to pick his brother over you too....even after marriage. Don't go through with it unless you are sure you can live with it.

Answer 2

Well it sounds to me like this will be a problem when you get married and your marriage may suffer from it. I would let him know that marriage is a start for to people committed to each other and part of that commitment is to understand and listen to each other this is how you start to build a solid & loving relationship that will last a life time.
That is what I would say. I hope you don't plan on haveing your brother-in-law live with you after you are married do you? if not and the plan is for him to move out when you two are married, then I would add that this would be a good time for him to get a job and strighten his life out before the marrage happens. You don't want to start off your marrige with this kind of baggage.

Answer 3

Lay it out for your fiancee. Explain that you cannot live under these conditions. Tell him "Marriage is hard enough without having to deal with someone that has an addition. I understand that you love your brother but what you are doing (ignoring his drinking and supporting him financially) is not in his best interest or ours".

If he doesn't see this is a problem, put off the wedding until the situation gets resolved. If your fiancee wants to support this codependant relationship with his brother, that is HIS business. However, he has no right to ask you to do it too!