A little background: My husband and I have recently decided to get divorced. We have two small children and still live in the same house together. Although we are not at each others' throats, there is plenty of tension around here. His parents live about 4 hours away.
So this evening he wrote me a text message saying that he is picking up his parents from the train station and will be home with them in about an hour. No advance notice, so that is rude enough (I am sure my husband knew ahead of time). But wouldn't you say it is also rather rude of my in-laws to show up for a family visit at such a time? They know we are divorcing; if they want to see their grandchildren, wouldn't it be more acceptable for him to take the kids to see them?
How would you act?
2007-05-18 09:19:47 · 17 answers · asked by Liz 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
PS My parents live on the other side of the ocean. They stop by every couple of years.
2007-05-18 09:47:49 · update #1
Yes it is very rude of both parties. Still, his parents might have been told that you were okay with it. He could be telling them anything and obviously not telling you anything.
2007-05-18 09:25:58 · answer #1 · answered by Xena_fire 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's rude, but if you have children I think you should grin and bare it. Even though you are divorcing you will have to deal with them later for your childrens' sake. Besides, in a situation where there is any kind of court involved I would always try to make myself look as good as possible. And maybe they are there for both you and your husband, you never know.
Just tell your husband that in the future you would appreciate some notice before his parents come to visit.
2007-05-18 18:35:04 · answer #2 · answered by Jenn 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you completely. The timing is innapropriate, and probably *designed* to make you uncomfortable. It is a cruel thing to do, particularly when your children are going to be there as well. I would try to come up with a way to get out of town for a little while, or perhaps you could suggest a nice motel for the in-laws? Your husband *knows* what he's doing here is innapropriate. Otherwise, he would have asked you as a matter of basic courtesy, long before he was picking them up from the train station. It's your house, too, even without the added discomfort of trying to go through a divorce with your in-laws sitting in the other room.
2007-05-18 19:08:36 · answer #3 · answered by Junie 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds to me like your husband may be engaging in some subtle manipulation. He is bringing in his allies. With his parents there, he may feel that he has an advantage over you, and his parents can be an emotional tool against you. This is also a good way for his parents to be an influence over the children.
On the other hand, if he is not really committed to a divorce, his parents can be an influence on you to stay with the marriage. Either way, it is unfair to you.
You have the right to not be manipulated at this vulnerable time. Put your foot down and tell your husband that this is not a good time for a visit, and that he should postpone the visit until after your marriage issues have been settled. If he refuses, you can always take the children somewhere else for the duration of their stay, or remove yourself.
2007-05-18 16:32:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You never know if the in laws had anything to do with the visit or just hubby. I would do as some of the other answers said, you know this is for the children and try not to worry about this. The divorce will be over soon.
2007-05-18 17:37:14 · answer #5 · answered by millineumlaura 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not acceptable for your husband to give you such short notice that his parents are visiting since they live out of town. It is possibly insensitive of the in-laws to visit at this time but i do not see it as rude. They probably want to see the kids, their son, and maybe you too. Since you guys are still living together they likely assume things are amicable.
2007-05-18 16:26:02 · answer #6 · answered by NWK 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes it's rude that your husband didn't give you advance notice but it's not his parents fault. They may have asked him if it's okay and he said it's fine.
I would put up a face since the kids will be around and deal with hubby after the in laws leave.
2007-05-18 17:04:58 · answer #7 · answered by A J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's kind of rude, but what can you do about it? Nothing. Maybe they assume you knew & didn't care if they stopped by. Maybe they are worried about their grandkids and want to make sure they are ok. Just try to be polite for the sake of the kids and do the best you can to get through the visit. If you are sharing a house with him, then it's his right to bring his parents in anytime he wants. Maybe you could return the favor and invite your parents for a visit?
2007-05-18 16:25:20 · answer #8 · answered by Amy27 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
maybe your husband doesn't want to leave the children with you in case you 'poison them against him'. also his parents may not be rather fond of you so they may not care about 'manners' and they may be there to help their son through a difficult time. also if you aren't on speaking terms he may not have had an oppurtunity to tell you. i think you should just tell your husband that it annoys you and he should have told you. but if it is your husbands house as well and they where invited then there's not much you can do. although i do agree you should have been informed.
2007-05-18 16:29:51 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would have been really pissd and probably would have done something crummy like either left the house(possibly taking the kids with me to be just as inconsiderate as he was) or pretended everything was fine then gone off at him later.
you guys probably need to set some boundaries now that you're divorcing and someone has to leave. you don't want to end up like the war of the roses.
2007-05-18 16:28:52 · answer #10 · answered by The "Hmm" Girl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not for nothing Hun...but i smell something a little more underhanded...could just be me , but ...Where are YOUR folks ? Who's in your camp ? How about taking the kids to Your folks for the weekend?NO HUBBY !
I think you need to get out of there. If i were a crafty SOB...and i AM ....i would do something like that to ambush you into making concessions to me and the GP's before you are ready....there's nothing like TRIPLE teaming somebody.
I'm sorry luv , but when it comes to dealing with kids/property/money : when men are involved ... I DON'T TRUST THEM....and I AM one !
Everything about this stinks. Don't let yourself get cornered.
Now ,i'm not privy to the particulars/genesis of your situation, but don't think for one minute it won't
degrade to "that b*tch stole MY kids,MY house,MYMYMYMYMY ect."
Prepare to get ZERO PROPS for spending the last ___years dealing.
Prepare to be demonized in the eyes of the inlaws.
but most important....prepare to get him the hell out of that house. This kind of behavior is just the beginning.
some one has to say it ...may as well be me.
Breathe , Honey .....
P.S.- just read your ps.....GET OUT OF THERE ....GO ...NOW he thinks he has you over a barrel , with nobody to turn to.....RUN !!!!!
Why do i distrust men in such situations?????easy.
in this country, the leading cause of death for both pregnant and separated women is murder.
And i put no one above it.
2007-05-18 16:53:55 · answer #11 · answered by misterchickie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋