I'm a newlywed and i live with my in-laws. I'm so unhappy what should i do.?

Question

I have been married for 6 months. I love my husband he is the perfect man for me, but we live with his parents. My husband and i were dating for about 4 years before we got married. My in-laws were great and then we got married and everything changed. His mom hates me for taking her son focus away from her. Im very unhappy and he knows that. We are indian and in our culture the son and his wife must take care off his parents. My husband thinks this is his duty as the only son (to do whatever they say whenever they say). We have no time alone and i spend most off my day with his mother. She constantly insults me about the way i look and basicly everything i do. Living here has made me feel less of a person. I feel im dying inside. I do not want to hurt anyones feelings but i cant live here anymore and my husband cant leave because he works for his father. What should i do. I do not want to loose my husband but i havent cried as much in my whole life as i have in this 6 months. HELP

Answer 1

I understand what you are going through. I went through something similar. Thankfully I did not live with my in-laws.

I can understand culture, but here is the thing with marriage: when you say "I do" you are committing yourself to your spouse. Your EVERYTHING! That means you are breaking away from your family and starting your own family with your husband or wife. That does not mean you can't take care of your parents, but they can not be involved in everything you and your husband do. They are still family, BUT they are secondary family, whereas you and your husband are now immediate family.

What you need to do (and I had to do this too) is sit down with your husband and express your concern. You need to explain to him that you love his family, but you did not marry them. You married him. They can not rule your lives together. You need to explain to him that he has to make this stop and you need to get an apartment or home of your own. Now when he talks to them they will not like it at first and it may seem like all hell is going to break loose, but it will get better. He needs reminds them that he still loves them very much and he still wants to help take care of them, but you are the most important person in his life since the day he said "I do".

Everything will work out, but I guarantee you if you don't do this now before there is kids then you will be dealing with his parents trying to raise your kids. Just remind him the point of marriage is to break away from you parents and start your own family. Be strong!!!!

Answer 2

Ya, because today's laws are so much better. We just kill any unborn baby, who's only crime is that nobody loves him or her. Our laws aren't so great. The Old Testament laws are good if they are used correctly. Please look at all of the laws concerning the topic and considure the culture they were written for. Leviticus 20:9. Please look at Deuteronomy 21:18-21 for more details on how this law is put into practice. This isn't just a youth that is slamming doors and stuff. This is a youth bent on destruction capable of harming the community. The parent's own desire to protect their son should be a buffer against abusing the law. The second protection is that the elders have to agree that the son should be punished by death. Deuteronomy 22:28-29 - Please look at all of the laws regarding rape. Please look into the society of that time as well. If a woman was raped at that time, she would be doomed to a life of poverty, because no man would desire to marry her. Normally, the rapist was killed, but if the woman was not married or engaged, the rapist was spared. The reason was that he had to take care of the victim. If there was another way she could be provided for, the father could refuse the "marriage".

Answer 3

There are several things you should do. Talk to your husband, tell him how you are feeling. If he truely loves you he is going to try to help you feel better. You should also try some professional help. Go see a couselor, they may be able to help you a bit better. If you are that unhappy and stay in this situation then your marriage will eventually end. A person can only take so much of this. I know you don't want to lose your husband, but if he is not willing to comprimise or move out then he may not be worth it. You are his wife you should be top priority now. Your happiness should come first. And he needs to see this. Your mother-in-law has no right to treat you this way. Talk to your husband about this as well. In the begining of a marriage, open communication is one of the best things to have. He needs to know how you are feeling.

Answer 4

Damn are all desi in laws like that...??
Don't know what kinda in laws you really have coz I think there's two sides to every story..but your husband should lead his own life now.. you two are married.. he can take care of his parents all he wants it's his duty as a son... but as his wife, he should respect your feelings too especially if his mom really is torturing you like that. ..
You don't need to cry and neither does anyone else...
I think u should just clearly tell him what's going on without creating anymore drama with his mom... and tell him u want your own place because there seems to be tension with everyone living under the same roof...
and even if people are really nice to one another i just don't think it's easy for more than one authority living under the same house because people have different set of rules, expectations and it seems to get in the way when you want to live your life one way and somebody else thinks you should live another way....
if your husband loves u he should listen to your feelings too

Answer 5

Your husband can still "take care" of his parents without you both having to live with them. You must tell him that and the both of you should find your own place asap. I don't understand any culture that would expect any woman to take abuse as part of being married. There are lots of cultures and traditions that wreak havoc in peoples lives because they are so outdated. We all need to look at the practices that we continue that are a disservice to our wellbeings as humans. I hope things will work out for you. Good luck

Answer 6

Somehow, someway you're going to have to sit down seriously with his mom and ask her to listen* to what you have to say. Let her know you both love her son, and you both want what's best for him*.....so to do that.....you and her need to co exist together for all your sakes.
I guess for now, moving isnt an option as he works for his father..and it's custom to take care of his parents.....I would definately include the father and your husband on the conversation with his mom* You all need to explain how you're feeling...bout the living situation.....and hopefully come to some sort of understanding or conclusion to this problem. Best wishes, and hang in there*~

Answer 7

you need to talk to the whole family. Call for a meeting. Oh god this is horrible! Tell your husband you aren't a servant, if it's his duty and culture it's his. YOU are not forced to be insulted. Tell her how she is hurting you, and how you will NOT stand for it. You need to make it clear that you want time alone with your husband, but like to be with your family. You go and tell them if it won't work (they won't help wit your needs) that you might need a divorce. Also, get a massage, and go with this guy's mom, talk to her. Encourage the wonderful behavior she had when you and your new husband were dating. Hope this helps!

Answer 8

To me it sounds like your mother-in-law is verbally abusive and you definitely need to 1) talk to your husband about his mother and preferably he will politely but very seriously tell her she needs to respect you, or 2) talk to her yourself. When she says something that is extremely rude look her directly in the eyes and tell her "I will not allow you to speak to me this way" and walk away. Every single time she speaks to you in a rude and demeaning way you need to speak to her very directly with a firm but not angry tone of voice and tell her something like "You do not have the right to be rude to me." This may cause a lot of stress in the household but you have to do something to regain your dignity. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect. By standing up for yourself in a direct and honest and polite way you are not hurting other people's feelings. If this doesn't work and things don't improve (like your husband taking your side and sticking up for you!) than I think you will be better off without your husband and his parents. Good luck, remember you deserve better!

Answer 9

It's time for your husband to launch out of his nest. When you married, he made a commitment to you and you should be his first commitment. His parents come second, barring fatal illness. I'd give him a choice. You or them. If he choses them, move on and find happiness.

Answer 10

Then you both work towards getting out on your own. You HAVE to. I can understand if you are working towards finding a place, but you need to be on your own, in your own home.

Do not speak in absolutes. Just because he works for dad doesn't necessarily mean he has to live with dad