Mothers of disrespecting daughters please comment....?

Question

Only mothers who have bad relationships with their daughters could understand this dilemma. Her father and I are divorced and of course she blames me. I have accepted this, but the problem is that verbally berates me almost constantly. She tells me she hates me, calls me worthless, even goes so far as to say she wishes that I would commit suicide and rid the world of me. The divorce happened 6 yrs ago, she is 22 yrs old now and her father and I get along great. She has a steady boyfriend, great job and siblings that don't hate me. I try to talk to her but she has just made up her mind that I am a nothing. I can't just let it be, I love her, she is my daughter. Any suggestions as to what to do? PS: I have become disabled and cannot work, she thinks it is a big lie and says that it is just another excuse. Thanks for your input..

Answer 1

i'm sorry to hear you are experiencing these issues with your daughter.

sometimes people develop feelings of resentment and become wounded, especially through divorce, which can affect children deeply. perhaps your daughter had to blame someone, so she picked you. Even so, it's NOT your fault!

you might learn to come to terms with your situation through therapy. it would give you an outlet, someone to talk with in confidence and help you to develop coping skills. therapy can sometimes do us more good than we know. i'm sure you'd feel as if you have someone out there who is supportive and caring... as well as helpful.

i hope that one day your daugter will come around. until then, take care of YOU... your feelings do matter...

sendng hugs your way... xo

Answer 2

First of all let me apologize for your daughter. I too was the same way towards my mother and until I became a mother I never truly knew how much a mother suffers and loves their child. My Mother is my world I will do anything for her today she watches my son while I work full time and go to college part time a night. We still have disagreements but we take the time to talk to each other and that's the key here. We speak to each other in normal voices no yelling or screaming involved and at the end of the conversation even if we don't agree we still LOVE each other and we know that.

I think the first step is telling your daughter that you lover her every day. Then maybe try to take family therapy together and I mean the whole family all siblings and ex husband too. If you can't do that, why don't you just write your daughter a good heart to heart tear jerking letter or an email but tell her about HOW she speaks to you & HOW it makes you feel & be specific. Try to reach out to her boyfriend ask him not to tell her that you are reaching out to him to see if she tells him WHY she is so angry at you, but only do this if you trust him because he might tell her. Also I'm not therapist, but I just know from experiencing that CHILDREN do things like this at an early AGE, my son is trying it now and WE can't be are children's FRIENDS we have to be their Parents they will make friends later on in life.

Anyway, good luck and I hope that your daughter realizes that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow so she better wise up because if she walks around angry and never gets to say I'm sorry MOM she will feel awful if she lost you tomorrow. Trust me I know my cousin just lost her mother the day before mother's day and she's a mess.

Answer 3

Do you think that possibly she is learning to be what she saw growing up?

That said, Yes. You CAN let it be. Otherwise you only lend credence to her tirades.

You are obviously trying to get the last word - just as she is. I suggest you back off from your daughter and tell her that you don't want to argue with her. She has her opinion of you and that's the way it is. She's wrong - but that's the way it is.

When/if she can finally reach that point where she can be civil to you - if not friendly - then by all means welcome her back to your presence. Keep things on a casual level. When things get testy - end the visit/phone call etc.

You cannot change her. You can only change you.

Easy? No. Really, really hard. But it will relieve the stress of your visits with her.

P.S. do NOT pit your other children against her in hopes of gaining allies. That is the height of childishness and again lends credence to your daughter's behavior.

Answer 4

This is a job for a professional. Offer your daughter to go to family counseling with her to try to find a way to heal your relationship. It's obvious that you two have gone back and forth over old issues for so long and so often that it's pointless to continue.

A good counselor or therapist can help you get beyond the fighting to uncover the real issues.

FWIW, it doesn't matter that her feelings for you aren't the same as her siblings. She is not her siblings. She is her own person, and she experiences her relationship with you and the history between you in her own way, which is not like her siblings and is not wrong. You need to ditch that approach soonest-- I can see where it would make your daughter angry.

Get help ASAP. If your daughter won't go to counseling with you, then go without her and see if the counselor can help you find ways to heal the wounds here.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Well. I can tell you when I ever raised my voice to my Mom she let in to me good. She didn't spare the rod. I really thought I hated her when I was a teen. Nothing she did was good enough for me. I was miserable and wanted to blame some one. Who better than the one person who wouldn't hate me back?!

I eventually came around and as an adult there isn't a thing in the world that I wouldn't do for my wonderful Mom.

She loved me, but was strict with me. I had rules. Even when i was angry she said "be angry and sin not or I'll belt you." The last part isn't Biblical LOL!

Your daughter is an adult and I hope you don't allow her to treat you like this in your home. She needs to have boundaries. Like she can rant and rage all she wants but not on your property or your time. Then tell her I love you and always have and always will. When your ready to treat me like your Mom and act like an adult your welcome to come over and we'll talk.

Answer 6

Yes, I have a 16 yr old daughter who is very abusive towards me. I have a 1 yr old baby and a 7 yr old and 13 yr old girls exept 4 the baby he is a boy.
my 2 daughters (younger ones) have a blood disorder that eventually turns into leukemia. thank god they dont have it so far. i had an 8 yr old who died june8 05 that battled cancer. shelby the 16 yr old was alway abusive toward her and the 13 yr ol and makes fun of them. when jade died shelby had crocodile tears. almost like she was happy she was gone. she has been jealous all the time yet she gets alot. equal luv as the others.but girls like urs and mine are disresectful and have no heart almost pshycopath behavior. i have been told by teachers and principals to put her in military school boot camp situation because of her violence drinking drugs sex she beats up people. she has pushed me down our stairs. she is my size well...5 ft 3 and i am 5ft5 and small frame. i had to call the police on her before...long story there...but just let that mean 22yr old girl go. let her face life alone without u. she does not deserve to be treated good like u treat her. she needs tough love like my daughter does.heck i have to keep her away from the 2 lil sisters of hers because of their disease(they bruise and bleed easily) i am sorry 2 hear about how cruel the words came out of ur daughters mouth towards u. u r her mom n u gave her life and she takes u for granted. ignore her. leave her alone she is now an adul;t she can take care of herself. u keep taking care of u and dont listen to her toxic mouth. i would not let her live with u .

Answer 7

I feel for you. As a mother of four daughters (three teenagers) I think that all you can do is love her and pray for her and yourself. Pray for her heart to be opened to you and pray for yourself to be ready when she does. There are obviously some things that the two of you need to talk through and settle. I think that when you do the both of you will be much happier. But for now, all you can do is allow her to be her own person. She is an adult, and you can't control how she feels or how she behaves.

Answer 8

This is sad to say the least, You are her mother, birth her to this life in pain,taken care of her, in this world.It is VERY wrong for her to treat you this way. She doesnt know exactly how hateful this behaviour is in the site of the Creator.She doesnt realized how she is paving her way into hell fire due to her action toward you.Her excuses for reasons to do this is nonsense..God nevered made her judge over you. Maybe you should show her in the Bible, where it says "Honor thy Mother and Father". She has children, they will do the exact same things she is doing to you. Life has a way of bringing it back around. No matter what has happened, you are her mother, and the Creator, made you mother over her, and for that reason alone, you are due respect. If she is a praying woman, she needs to know, the Creator will not hear her prayers, when she is disrespectful to her mother. He is the judge, not her. As a mother, I wouldnt tolerate her behavior, I would cut ties with her, until she corrects her behavior toward me. If she wont, I would pray on it, leave it with the Creator, and move on, if she decides to keep the children away, as I have heared of some doing,from other parents, in a short time, this will end, when she realized, they are doing more damage to their children, than they will be willing to forgive them for. I am so sorry, you are going through this, and I sincerely hope, my words, will be helpful in helping her to realized the mistake she is making. My mother has passed, and I miss her everyday, what gives me comfort, I tried to do everything, I could to make her feel my love, and to comfort her. Life is so short, and with each day comes life and death. Maybe you should let your daughter read this message, and maybe she will see, the error of her way to you. God is the judge, and he nevered put children judge over the parents. Never, and he has not updated his method. She really need to check herself. May God bless and help you. Please read Psalms 23, it is really helpful..I hope my words has helped you in some way. Pray and stay strong, I know this hurts you, as a mother. Pray, God will make the way. Another thing, for her to wish death on you, God hears her, and what she wishes for you, she may be bringin to herself. I really hope she corrects herself before it is to late. I hope she will offer from her heart, a sincere apology, and rush to the Creator, and asking for his forgiveness. This is not a good thing for her soul, at all.

Answer 9

OK, i am a daughter, but just think about this: if she is holding on to this hatred towards you and wont forgive you,she is not allowing herself to feel the wonderfulness of forgiveness. therefore, she is a prisoner to it. forgive her for treating you bad, and leave her alone. when she calls you to bad mouth you, say " i love you honey, and i know you dont mean that." kindness kills seriously.
if it bugs you whats she's saying, check out the lyrics to this Lady soverign song : "love me or hate me ,its still an obsession" your daughter obvioiusly has issues with the thought of you, and its not your problem.
She cant allow herself to forgive you. thats her problem, not yours. shes a grown woman. let it be and move on. she'll either hold onto the grudge forever, which would suck for her, or forgive you. youve done your best.

Answer 10

I agree, the father should definitely get involved. In any case, things will work out. Stay strong. You are a great mother.