He wants to elope and I don't want to. What should I do?

Question

My fiance wants to elope, and want a formal (but small) wedding in a church.

He says he wants to avoid the whole drama of his family, and would feel weird inviting both his mom and dad to the wedding, and just get married on a beach in Hawaii or something, and then have a reception.

Backstory: His dad left his mom for another woman on x-mas eve when Nick was 5. They haven't spoken since. It's been 20+ years. Nick's brother does not speak to his father either.

He is afraid of bringing them into the same state (his father lives in Miami, and his mom lives in St. Louis) let alone the same building.

I can sympathize with his situation, but I can't empathize with it. I have a "nuclear family" and I know I would upset my family if I ran off and got married, but I know I would break my father's heart if he couldn't walk me down the aisle.

I will add that I also have strained relations with his mother, and that makes the situation more weird.

Any suggestions?

Note: Nick talks to his dad, at least once a week.

He is the only one that does though. He wants to preserve what relationship he has with his father.

His mom has not seen or heard from him in 20 years and his brother hasn't spoken to him in over 5.

Answer 1

Talk to him and let him know that by avoiding the drama of his family, he is creating drama in your family.

Eloping would probably place more strain on the relationship between you and his mom...I suspect she be hurt that you are "stealing" him away and she couldn't at least be there to see it. Sounds like your family would be hurt as well.

The drama between his mom and dad has nothing to do with you (or even him!). While I understand you not wanting to create a scene at your wedding, you end up going against your own wishes, as well as leaving out your loved ones.

Do you actually think his dad will show up for the wedding? Even if he does, I think his mom will at least understand why he was invited (he's the grooms father afterall) even if she doesn't like it. You are in a situation where somebody will likely get hurt, no matter what you choose to do. I believe that by eloping, YOU will end up hurting people. By inviting his parents, any hurt caused will not be the fault of either of you.

Answer 2

I have been married for 5 years. So not too long to remember my wedding and long enough to know that marriage takes work. They say that most marriages break up over money, but I know that people have money problems cause they don't communicate effectively. You have to be able to honestly share with one another and come to an agreement. That means compromise on both parts. If you lay everything on the table and come to an agreement on every major issue of the wedding then you will both feel better about the whole thing. Your wedding says a lot about how the rest of the marriage will go. If one of you don't enjoy it, get use to not enjoying things for the other persons sake. When both sides take a loss for the success of the team then "together" will mean more to you than "mine, yours and sometimes ours" will. I'm not giving you direction to elope or not because the decision should come from the two of you and no one else. Don't let anyone get between the two of you and what's best for your own family (not mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, etc...). They all have your own lives to live but you will be living with your husband all day everyday. Let the world envy your "togetherness" as you cling to one another, fight for each other, and pray for each other. This might seem to good to be true, but if the two of you consistently work at working together than it will be your reality.

Answer 3

Well, you could a.) elope without anyone being aware that you already were married and then plan to have a wedding as just a "show" to comfort the family. That will buy him time to mention it to both his parents and see how they would feel about being in the same building at the same time. B.) You can go through with your wedding but make sure he explains to them that they don't have to talk to each other. He should let them know that this is both of your's big day! If they feel they can not handle it then they should not attend. My fiance and I are running into the same problem with his parents. His Dad is fine with showing up because he raised his son, but his mother is being a butt because his father took him from her because she was unfit. They should respect him and understand that this day is for him and you, not for them to bring up matters of the past. I hope this helps. Best of luck and have a great day!

Answer 4

A wedding is just one part of one day. A marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime.

I hear and understand what you say about you and your family's dreams of a small but perfect wedding where you're walked down the aisle by your father, but I also hear and understand what your fiance is saying, which is IMO more compelling: he is talking about pain, and how what you want to have would, for him, be painful.

I think you guys need to resolve this issue before you make that walk down the aisle or into the registrar's office. This is something that is going to last longer than a single wedding day. How are you and your fiance going to deal with his family issues if you have kids? At other traditionally family occasions?

I think you need some serious premarital counseling to deal with this.

Problems you guys are having with family will not go away if you get married. So solve them now, or decide if they are insolvable and constitute a dealbreaker to the marriage.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Welcome to the wonderful world of wedding planning. I totally understand where he is coming from as I have experiences some similar family issues that are sure to disrupt the day. You two need to sit down and talk. Eloping is selfish and would surely hurt your families. Why can't you have the small church wedding and just not invite his father if no one talks to him? I also think that you need to work on your relationsip with his mother... sounds like she is part of the little bit of family he has left. Maybe planning the wedding can be a good opportunity for you to work together and get along better. Good luck!!!!

Answer 6

You all have to find some way to compromise. This is just the FIRST of many times you'll need to do that in your marriage and if you can't do that now, then you might want to reconsider marrying right now. I understand his hesitation. It's an awkward situation, but if his mom AND dad love him they will behave for HIS sake. He shouldn't assume they will act like immature people and fight the whole time. He should talk to each of them and say "look, this is an important time in my life and i'd love to share that day with you both but we can only do that if you assure me you can be in the same room and act nicely. i don't want this day ruined for my fiance. it's very special to her." He should want to give this special day to you. Maybe a compromise would be to have a DESTINATION wedding in some tropical location and have just your parents, his mom and brother, and your closest friends. Destination weddings are HUGELY popular right now and it's very common to include a small number of people. That way, your dad still gets to walk you down the aisle and your fiance gets to enjoy a drama free day. Then, when you get back from your honeymoon, you can have 2 different reception parties. 1 for his family that includes his father and 1 for your family and friends who weren't able to attend. Hope this helps! Goodluck!

Answer 7

Bottom line it is your wedding and you should do what you want. No one has to invite people they don’t want at their wedding, it may seem cruel but you are the one paying for it, it is about the two of you joining as a couple not family dramas. If he doesn’t want to invite certain people then don’t! No one can tell you how to run your wedding, don’t let the family’s behavior ruin your big day. You should have the wedding that you really want, you only get one chance at it and it should be a day that you look back on with fondness. If you don’t have the wedding you want you may end up regretting it, don’t let anyone cause regrets. Do what makes you both comfortable invite who you want. If you must invite people who don’t get along then keep them apart, have seating arrangement that separates them, and warn then that this day is very important to you and if they love and care about you then they will be on their best behavior.

Answer 8

I can understand him not wanting his family there. Tell your family what the plans are, and that later you'll have a little ceremony in which your dad can walk you down. OR get married at the courthouse with your family there, and his mother. The relationship with his mother doesn't have to be strained. You won't be living with her, so just suck it up when she's around. I do that with my brother in law. You will not be the first one to have to suck it up when the mother in law is around, and if you do anything otherwise, you will ruin your marriage. Good luck. You have a very honorable fiancee, and he sounds like he's worth keeping. A wedding isn't just for the bride. It's for BOTH. You can have your little wedding after you get back.

Answer 9

If he hasnt spoken to his father in 20 years why is he going to invite him to the wedding?

I think the most beautiful thing would be to get married in a church in front of God and all your family and friends.

My husband has a similar situation. His dad took off on his mom when he was 15 years old. She took him back 2 years later but then he took off again 6 months after that. After that his mom took off leaving him (18 at the time) with his brothers (17 yrs old and 11 yrs old) and his sister (16 yrs old). It was a horrible thing, but they managed to get through it.3 years later we got married and both of his parents were there. It wasnt akward for us because we were too busy doing our wedding things, but his dad did act immature. His mom behaved though.

Good luck with your wedding.

Answer 10

Either way, eloping or a traditional wedding, his parents do not have to be invited. If you elope, so to say, you can still have some traditional factors. I.E. the dress, your family, etc. Just reassure him that his family doesn't have to come, I am sure that your family will support you both. Eloping is a quick method, he may be looking at to move along the process. Choose a date. and plan the wedding quickly. You can have a "church" wedding without the drama.

Good luck. MOST IMPORTANTLY TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!!