Guys, I come from a broken home with parents that HATE each others gutts. My father was abusive to my mother, almost killed her the day she gave birth to me. But unfortunately, my mother despised me (and still does) taking all of my father's bitterness on me growing up. When I was 17, she starved me for 1 month by locking up all the food in the kitchen and travelling out of town. I keep away from them in order to maintain my sanity. I had a talk with my father-in-law last night and he insists that I fulfil my obligations to my parents by "sending them money" when I can. He says, they have authority over you on this earth and that doing this will grant me "blessings." Please note that I am originally from an ethnic group called the "Yorubas" in western Nigeria. I grew up in England b4 coming to live in the states, and I think this is a BULLSHIT mentallity. I feel my in-laws are being hypocritical bcos if I treated their daughter the same way my parents treat me they wouldn't be...(cont)
2007-05-18 04:53:17 · 17 answers · asked by Blk Angel 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
(cont)....talking all the crap about how these people have "authority" over me. Here's the thing...The culture (Yorubas) believe so much that parents have the "power" to determin whether or not your life will be successful. My father-in-law talks all this stuff about how I should bend over backwards to my parents and entertain their abuses, disrespect and destruction so that they dont "curse" me. They believe so much in "curses." Hypocritcally, my in-laws are also christians, acting like God in heaven doesn't watch over the innocent. They insist I continue bending backwards, turning the other cheeks to my parents even though it has almost cost me my marriage. It annoys me so much bcos I know in my heart that If i turned around and treated their daughter like ****, they won't be talking this **** about "turning the other cheek" and taking all the abuses....Am I out of line here or what? I get angered at the **** *** culture that excuses the behaviour of irresponsible and wicked parents.
2007-05-18 04:59:15 · update #1
The Yoruba culture is fascinating - cruel and mean and perhaps we in the States would call it backward - but it is a rich and beautiful culture that has flourished for thousands of years. Be glad you are Yoruba.
There are reasons for honoring our elders - they are the wise ones - they know how to live through drought, flood, locusts etc. They have seen things the young have yet to imagine. I could go on and on.
That said, this is not Ghana (I believe). This is the US and there are many, many differences in US culture and Yoruba. Parents who abuse and starve their children are called criminals. Your childhood was nothing less than horriffic and you have an earthly right to be bitter.
But I think it's time to put that in the past now. While the scars (real and emotional) will never go away, picking at them will never allow them to heal either. No. this will not be easy. It never is. But you must find a way to forgive your parents for their sins. Otherwise their sins will be put upon you. That's the "domain" your parents have over you. The "Blessings" you will receive will be peace and joy and the blessing of knowing you are a much better man/husband/father than your own parents.
I think that's what your Father in law is trying to say - that by fulfilling your culture's family obligations, you are showing you are the better man. Absolutey your parents do not deserve such a fine son. But that doesn't mean you don't have certain obligations you should strive to fulfil. Otherwise you are bound to repeat your parent's mistakes. Something you do not wish to do.
That sounds so stupid - but it's true. There is a cyle of abuse that abused children abuse their children etc. etc. So by ending this cycle with you = by forgiving your parents - you will be the best, kindest and strongest father to your own children.
No. This is not easy. ANd you will make mistakes all along the way. But by striving to forgive - you will be taking all of your parents evil and tossing it onto the trash heap. Yes, darling one, Forgive.
Send your parents what money you can - when you can. Money is something you can replace - it is just an earthly thing. A tool. Nothing more. Be as cordial and polite as you can - no shaming your parents. Remember, you are the better man.
Tell your Father in Law that you are so glad to have him in your life - because he can show you how to be a good man and fine husband to the finest gift one man can give another - his daughter.
2007-05-18 05:27:40 · answer #1 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Its your money and noone can make you share it. Your father in law probably thinks you are exaggerating the situation and not believing your words. Dont ask him again for advise or his opinion dont confide in him. Also he prob said that because he will expect that from his son and you when he is older. Your parents when you were a child were suppose to nature and care for you they didnt, dont be bitter keep contact if you like but by no means send them money
2007-05-22 01:06:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You realize that where you come from is a place of disfunction and you feel compelled to have those disfunctions end with you. Your family and IL's will always tell you not to make waves because they didn't have the guts to fight against what was wrong. Ignore your FIL's so called wisdom and do what you know in your heart to be right - take care of your wife and yourself and let your parents reep what they have sown (that means let them take what they deserve- which is nothing for the way they treated you). The ideas of these blessings and curses are just another way to manipulate you to keep practicing the same disfunction. don't do it, you are a changer and as hard as that may be it is for the good of your soul, your family and your future generations. good luck.
2007-05-18 05:25:03 · answer #3 · answered by NONAME 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have to come to a decision if you do not beleive in that crap about the curses then go on. I certainly understand where you are coming from. If you in-laws are now christians then why arethey following this? I think u need to sit down with your hubby and together decide what is best for your family.
2007-05-18 05:10:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you, it's all BS!! The way I see it you paid dearly for what your parents did to you. I, personally, wouldn't give them one red cent!! And I know that you're intelligent enough to know that they cannot "curse" you. You were already cursed with them as parents. As I see it, God has blessed you with emancipation from your parents and I'm sure he'll grant you amnesty. God loves you and he only wants you to be happy and content in your life. He's just like that.. ;-) As far as your in-laws go, they need to respect your decisions about your parents and understand that the choices you make are for the benefit of you and of your new family. If they still think you should send your parents money....let them send their own money to them if they feel so strongly about it! Keep your chin up!! Smile and be happy!
2007-05-21 02:38:26 · answer #5 · answered by Lynn 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hi hon...
you obviously sought the advice of your father in law, and he gave you an answer HE thought was sound and reasonable.
just because he gave you advice, doesn't mean you have to take it or heed it... do what is best for YOU.
i'm concerned for your emotional welfare... if you are having issues with the way you were treated all of your life by parents who were abusive and cruel, you could consider some therapy to develop better coping skills.
it is quite true that you can't just "get over it" but sometimes you can grow to realize that your parents were mentally sick or ill, did not handle things properly, it was THEIR problem, and not your fault at all. i think that as adult children, we can carry around unnecessary guilt, which can be destructive.
if it were me, i would cease to discuss my personal past with the in-laws. do what you feel is best. i wouldn't send the parents a dime. take care of YOU and your immediate family.
in my world, the individual has authority over themselves, and as adults, we have to take care of ourselves and our children... you're not responsible for anyone else on this earth.
hugs
2007-05-18 05:31:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you are able to help your parents financially then I would go ahead and do that. That would not be stating that you thought how they treated you was okay at all. It would be stating that you are able to forgive and even though you are not close with them and probably never will be, you are grateful that they gave you the gift of life. Without them, you would never have been born.
If the money won't be missed - please do it - your FIL is right - you will be given many blessings from this action. It is for your benefit - not your parents, weird as that may sound.
2007-05-18 04:57:54 · answer #7 · answered by Stefka 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Stretching fo it are not you? i think of you all started with a sort of expert question, yet you added information coach the place you're coming from and or which you haven't got a clue and in basic terms attempting to bait people. sturdy griff, the Inquisition, can we are saying over 800 years in the past, advance into Roman Catholic and surpassed off in the 1200's. Prop 8 is in line with morals. yet regardless if it (prop 8) is Bible based or no longer it does no longer recommend stoning them to dying, or murdering youthful women over "honor" as Sharia regulation does. some cases it in basic terms amazes me how ludicrous a controversy a individual can post.
2016-10-05 07:50:31 · answer #8 · answered by emilios 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like a messed up mentality to me. You clearly don't need to have your parents in your life. IF they don't make you happy, then you don't need to continue a relationship with them. And definiteyl don't send them any money. As a mother, my job is to nurture, love and care for my children. Locking up the food and leaving them is not part of parenting them, that's cruel and mean. I would say, you take care of yourself and be proud that you made it away from them so they can't hurt you anymore!
Good for you and good luck!
2007-05-18 04:59:24 · answer #9 · answered by Ca 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your parents have absolutely no authority over you whatsoever - you are an adult now. Ignore your in-laws - do what you want. If your parents were this abusive, they should have never BEEN parents - amazing you survived if this is all true.
2007-05-18 04:58:37 · answer #10 · answered by Paul Hxyz 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋