How do I diplomatically get my wife to be more efficient - without insulting her?

Question

My wife has developed some pretty poor time management skills since the kids have come along... she used to be a manager of retail stores and fairly organised but these days it seems she has to shop everyday because we have run out of something, she complains of being tired but will watch TV all night etc... it is driving me nuts.

The bit that drives me nuts is that I will get up early with the kids so she can sleep in - she will then complain that she could hear the kids and didn't sleep real well or that the door closed loudly when we left the house etc... I also find that I will come home at the end of the day to bath and feed the kids and she complains that there is not enough time in the day - yet she would have been out with friends for lunch, of to sports etc has used a baby sitter and to top it off has not only had a sleep when the kids have daytime nap but also will watch a couple of shows.

I am crucified if I make comment - any suggestions greatly appreciated.

Ok - I could have worded it better...

I have walked a mile in her shoes - I am the one doing the bulk of the childcare peoples that's the problem. I am the one getting up at 4am and caring for the children... so she can sleep in. I am the one that comes home and cares for the kids. She really only has to concern herself with the hours I am at work - and then I get her a babysitter for half the week - so she can cope, better.

This morning for instance I cared for the children, breakfast feed etc before she got up. Got them ready for the day. She then wakes up and has breakfast - which I still hadn't had! get the babysitter in 2 hours later and then goes for coffee with her Mum (which she complained about.) she is currently asleep whilst babysitter there...

There are a lot of mums out there doing it really tough, with nowhere near this level of support...

And as answers already show if I say anything it is world war 3 and I am not understanding... it is a 2 way street.

Depression a possibility... resentment yes...

I have tried to cover her so she can get back to work casually for adult interaction etc but she has stopped all attempts at that...

I can appreciate where a lot of the reponses are coming from but I geniunely don't know what to do.

I am not an insensitive male - although maybe that will be my next tactic!

Looking after the kids in her case to be honest is a day job - and only when she doesn't have staff as such.

I think if I was to stay at home fulltime and let her do coffee with her mum all day she would still struggle...

I personally think she needs to exercise - to increase her energy levels not sit on sofa eating crap... she needs to work a few hours a week whilst the babysitter is there... she needs to avoid her Mum - who is a very bitter and manipulative person at times... and get some perspective - she is very priveldged...

And all those who think I should walk her shoes should try mine :P

To the person who read my other question and wondered how I can work away and be at home...

To support my wife I strutured my work so that I am only away 3 nights a fortnight.

I am seething with some of these responses... at no point would I consider telling someone who wants to understand something and cares enough to seek an answer to shut up or go down the whole walk in her shoes track... get real.

I have cared for the children for long periods while my wife is away. I care for them more than her some days!! and work

Anyhow no point defending myself - I am clearly one of those complaining males that "piss" females off.

Cheers

Answer 1

It sounds like she might be a little depressed.

I know how she feels! I fall into this every once in a while. Consider that she may feel overwhelmed at times. Maybe she's not trekking off to work every day, but perhaps she's a little down about not being able to do that. Some people just feel better when they are out and about. The longer I stay home, the lazier and crankier and more drained I become.

I really don't how you can approach her about this. I don't take it very well when my husband says "Gee, the laundry is piling up a little, do you think you can get to it tonight?" Even if he's sweet about it.

Is working an option for her? I bet you a hundred bucks that would make a night and day difference for her energy level. Also, staying active keeps my mood and energy level up. Now that the weather is a little nicer, evening walks as a family always brighten my day. My husband and I also play tennis while our kids roller blade and tricycle around the court.

Also, get her a Costco card, Its impossible to run out of things when you have bulk!

If you find a tactful way to approach her, be sure to tell my husband!

Answer 2

I think she sounds depressed as well.

Have you sat down with her and asked her how she's feeling? I'm not trying to make you into an insensitive boob or anything, but sometimes the at-home-parent feels like their only conversations are with the kids and they don't feel as though they are being listened to. Even if you feel you are listening to her (and perhaps you are), it's very possible that from your wife's perspective she isn't being listened to. She isn't being heard. And I'm not just talking about the words she speaks, but the unspoken words as well.

Get a sitter and take her out for dinner and just listen. The pressure will be off (no kids interrupting) and she will feel that she has your complete attention. Give it to her, and ask her about HER. Avoid talking about the kids at all costs.

Another idea is to suggest to her that she joins a gym or something like that. Perhaps getting active might perk her up and help her feel better about herself.

And finally, while I'm not trying to say that you aren't doing this, do it more - compliment and thank her. When she makes dinner, make a point to saying how wonderful it is, and how you appreciate what she does. My husband does this, and believe me, the words he says mean the world to me!

Good luck. It's very difficult for a woman with a career to suddenly switch gears and become a full-time mom. I know it's a hard adjustment for you as well, but with time and a bit of effort on your behalf, things will get easier!

Edited to add:
I noticed that added more, and I found a relatively recent question where you talk about being away from home a lot. The combination of what you said about your work schedule and your addition, I truely honestly believe that she's depressed. You don't sound like a bad person, rather you sound concerned about your wife. Start with the dinner alone, and try to find out what you can., and try asking her if she thinks she's depressed. This can be touchy, but it can also be the question that saves your lives. Good luck!

Answer 3

I really think that she might be having a tough time sinking into motherhood for real. With my first, life was a breeze, went out to stores, to lunch, etc. Now I have three and life is different, granted two are twins and still infants but, I can't imagine having three or even two in any situation would be easy. I sometimes find myself having problems keeping up with stuff, not for lack of time but out of a sense of frustration. Sometimes feels like your perpetually doing laundry, dishes, cooking, feeding, diapering (and in reality you are) which is very disconcerting and sometimes depressing. Relaxation or temporary reprieve from my situation is usually most on my mind when I have no children to take care of since I don't get much down time in my day. I much like your wife have a husband has the ability to help at home a lot based on his schedule and is also considerate and cooperative in child rearing but, sometimes we need a little time to get our footing in life when such great changes have occurred. I know our situations aren't exactly the same but, I think some of the issues and feelings that I've been having are maybe an impact on your wife as well. I would sit down and talk to your wife in a more relaxing situation. Maybe get that babysitter and go out for dinner and drinks. Enjoy the night and when your driving home state that your worried about her. That she seems unhappy to you and you want to make sure that as a good husband and father that she's doing okay. Ask whether or not she feels depressed, tired, bored, lonely and how you can help to alleviate the situation. I know your already putting in a lot and after you've expressed your concerns over her behavior in a more congenial manner then you can bring up your needs in having her working with you as a partner in both of your life's endeavors together.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry you are getting beat up like this!!! :)

She does sound depressed, I would sit with her have a serious conversation with her. Start off by telling her you love her and that she and your children are the center of your universe (or something sappy like that). Tell her you are worried about her and the children. Tell her some of what you have told us. If she starts to get angry, tell her you are getting burned out and need help. Make a list of the daily things you do for her and the children. Give her the list and ask her what things she can do to help you lighten the load.

You might not be able to get around making her angry. She is either depressed or she is selfish, self centered and doesn't care.

If she is unwilling to change then hire somebody to come in the mornings to get your children fed and dressed, to save your sanity.

I'm sorry I know I didn't say this very eloquently. It is a hard situation and It sounds like you are drowning. You are working a full time job then coming home to another full time job while she has been sleeping or playing all day. I would love it if my husband agreed to hire somebody to watch the children a few hours a week.

Hang in there and if all else fails just be truthful with her.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

I guess there are a couple approaches you can take. You can try talking with her which I'm feeling a big "no" on that from what you've already stated. Second you could suggest counseling, and honestly if that doesn't work you may think about whether you want to be in this relationship at all. It is supposed to be 50/50 and whether its coming from the man or the woman, you have to be able to talk about something in the relationship that you're unhappy with. If she can't accept how you feel and refuses to hear you out then she has a lot of growing up to do. Being married does not mean that you are going to see eye to eye all the time. It seems like you are trying your best to make her happy, but maybe she needs to put forth an effort. It sounds like she needs to pull herself out of this rut and realize how good she really has it. There are so many parents out there doing it own their own with no partner to help and they probably complain less. She should count her blessings, remember none of us are promised tomorrow. I really hope everything works out for you guys but it will take a lot of work from both sides.....and if you love her, please don't give up!

Answer 6

You are not a complaining male, you are a compassionate, concerned husband. Sounds like you are doing a lot to try and make the load as easy as you can for someone you love, and she doesn't see it that way/uphold her end of the bargain. By uphold her end I mean that often when the decision is made for one parent to stay home it is with the agreement that they will take over basically all household duties as well as childcare. Depression could be an option, but it just sounds like she is not happy with being an at home mom.

Stay-at-home mothers tend to lose themselves, especially when there are multiple children to be tended to. I have two children, and some days I feel like "Mama" has replaced the woman who used to have a name. My husband is terrific with our children, also lets me sleep in, takes over much of the parenting when he comes home, although we don't have a babysitter and I don't go out with friends for lunch, etc. Yet I still find that I have lost my sense of self and that I have value as someone who can do things other than change diapers, make food and do laundry. I used to be funny, now the height of humor is knock-knock jokes. I used to talk about current events, today I might be able to tell you the guest on Sesame Street.

I wish I could offer you a better suggestion, but ask her if she wants to go back to work. Not because you need the money, but because she doesn't seem happy to you. If my husband told me that he didn't think I was happy, I would be floored, and probably cry. Even if it's not full-time work, feeling like she has value to other people than her family may do her a lot of good. And some people do better when they have a lot to do then when they don't have structure.

For the record, I think you sound considerate and caring, and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

It sounds like your wife is depressed. She needs to consult with a doctor to get a physical to make sure that her problems are not from a physical illness and get a prescription for antidepressants.

Making the transition from retail manager to a stay at home mom is huge. When she was working, she could control her day, somewhat. With kids, you have no control over your schedule. The kids have control over the schedule.

My guess is that your wife is completely overwhelmed with motherhood and I'll bet that she is too ashamed to admit that it is harder than she anticipated. She's looking around, not knowing where to begin, and then not doing anything because she can't decide what to so. Your wife is probably embarrassed by her lack of parenting/housekeeping skills. Your wife should go back to work--that's where she thrives. Suggest it, maybe she's waiting for your approval-she may not want to bring it up because she doesn't want to feel like she has failed you. If she is miserable and making you miserable, the kids will be miserable, so the entire family would be better off if she goes back to work.

As for constantly sleeping, I know from personal experience, it's easy to fall into a rut. I skip a workout, I feel bad, but it's easier to skip the next one and the next one. Forcing yourself to get up and get busy is the key to accomplishing anything. When she was working, she wasn't sleeping all the time.

Answer 8

I don't know why people are attacking you - you should be commended for all the support you give your wife. How she is acting is not normal. I agree with most people here that she sounds depressed. I think she needs to be in therapy of some sort. Maybe you can take it from that approach - mention to her you are worried about her because she seems so miserable, and gently bring up maybe seeing a therapist. Other than that, it sounds to me like you're doing all you can to make her life easier and happier, so I'm not sure what more you could do. I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 9

Sounds like you have a communication problem. Spend a little time with her alone outside of the house and really listen to her. Just let her say what she wants to say and don't interrupt or judge her. Use "I feel..." statements. Don't start with, "You do this..." She will probably tell you what the problem is if she feels she can. She may be depressed, overwhelmed, or suffering from boredom. Not all woman are cut out to be stay at home mothers. She probably misses being in the workforce. She probably feels like she has lost a part of herself. The two of you should try to reach some resolution like maybe a part time job for her or help her set up a daily routine. http://www.flylady.net is a great resource if she is just having trouble managing the household chore. . Try not to be critical because it will just make things worse for your whole family and resentment will build.

Good luck and I'll pray for your family.

Answer 10

The problem is, if you don't deal with this, you will begin to resent her, if you don't already, and might have an affair or end up divorced. She might be suffering from post partum depression, it can occur years after children are born, she might be unhappy and just won't tell you, she may feel trapped or may be suffering from any multiple condition. You need to sit her down and be very kind, but tell her she is different, that you notice a large differnce, that you are feeling frusterated and upset, that it is affecting your marriage and that you want to seek help TOGETHER, there is probably complaints she has against you and she is keeping them bottled up so she is angry and upset. If you don't think she will be receptive to you talking, set up an appointment with a counselor, go ahead of time and tell the counselor that she is unaware and why you are doing it this way, tell the counselor you fear she may be depressed ( or something else) and then bring her in, it is an ambush, she may be angry, I was, but my husband did it to help me and it worked. Good luck