How do you start a social life from scratch when you're 22 and depressed?

Question

I'm a deeply depressed, anxious, insecure 22 year old guy. (I am in therapy and on drugs for it.) I've been struggling with social anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem for almost ten years now, and I've had basically no social life since it started. Now I find myself in college, 22 years old, single, with no friends on campus, and I have no clue where people my age go to drink, to party, to flirt, to date, or do whatever it is they do. How do you start putting together a social life from scratch at 22 years old?

I desperately want to feel like I fit in, like I belong to a group--I can't remember ever being around people my age and not feeling painfully out of place, like I had no right to be there. The loneliness is killing me and my depression will only continue to get worse until I find a way out.

People tell me I'm good-looking and well-spoken, and don't come off as nervous. But if you're messed up in the head like me, none of that counts for much.

Answer 1

You seem to understand a lot about yourself, which is a sign you aren't completely messed up. The simple solution to no social life in college is to join a fraternity. But, I don't think that you need to make a fool of yourself pledging and pay for friends. Maybe join a club that interests you, or work as a tutor at your school. Intramural sports is a good option too. If you are involved with people, and force yourself to be social (if possible), you may find you make friends easily. I am shy and have a little bit of social anxiety, and that is what I have to do. Have confidence in yourself, and people will find you more attractive and approachable. You sound like you have a lot going for you regardless of your past!

Answer 2

Been there, done that. Plus, I´m a (soon to be ) doctor.
So you can imagine my one- day- struggling-next-day-nonexistent social life. I found it helpful to find a scene where I knew I would do well ( Im a fairly good cook, so i started taking cooking classes) and the attention on social interactions and performance was minimal.
Let me explain: If you go to a bar, a party, etc, you will find yourself in place where everybody is there to meet other people, so the probability of feeling judged does not play for you. However, if you go somewhere where the focus is something else ( art, cooking, a foreign language class, tai- chi, etc) but the human interaction is a present factor, there is an easy path for convesation, as you can ask for help, compliment other people, etc without seeming obvious. It provides you with a structured frame for interaction, because there is a certain regularity for meetings, but your are not expected to make friends with everyone in the room.

Another scenario for starting a social life, WITH A MEANING, is religious or socially oriented groups. As a Catholic it was very rewarding to join a catholic youth group, for several reasons: you know that the people there are persons of substance, and your relationships will be strenghtened by a common belief. It can work for volunteering too, and you will also find a meaningful thing to do with your time, might even find love in there, with a person that you know shares your priorities.

It is important that you keep up with your treatment, you can even discuss these options with your therapist, and set up a list of goals from simple things to the big scary ones ( like saying hello to person next to you to ask a girl out.)

Ín my experience, this anxieties never completely go away, but I have learned to channel them, so now I get tense, but I challenge these fears, and the feeling of success that comes from beating them is great ( it will help you with your depression, believe me).

Change will not happen overnight, but it will come. As you build more and more relationships it will be easy to invite people into your life, until the day comes when you do it naturally...
God bless you, and good luck

Answer 3

You do have some positive things going for you. For example, you say you got the looks, are well-spoken, and have a smoothness about you. You are seeking counselling for your depression and are on medication. You need to do a self-assessment at this time and find out what it is that you want to work on. It takes baby steps to be able to improve things, with your type of depressive status. Take one day at a time. You can probably join a non-threatening club, of your choice and interest, that is low key. You may find friends like you there. Again, you are off to a good start by already taking the initiative to be in college.

Answer 4

I'm the same age as you and I'm going through the same thing except I don't take drugs and I'm not on therapy. Instead, I'm working on my health to take my mind off of social life. I have low self-confidence and I always worry what other people think about me. So I'm working on improving my self-confidence by doing yoga every morning, exercise 5 times a week, eat healthier, listen to music, paint, etc. Then when I feel really good about myself, then it won't be so hard to put myself out there because I would feel great about myself and it wouldn't matter what others think of me at that point. If you fix a lot of your flaws, I think you can start from scratch without worrying, because you have this new found confidence. I'm already feeling a lot better about myself. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm getting there and it feels good.

When you get the confidence, however you may get it, you will feel great about life. Confidence is most definitely key.

Answer 5

Hi, there are two roads to take; I'd highly suggest taking the first one I'm going to list right now; a) interact with others on campus and thrive as best you can or (b) enroll in even more intensive therapy, but with less leaning on medication [more cognitive, if anything].

I'm no super extrovert myself, and wasn't one in college. But what I did do to get myself out of my shell was to sign up and partake in extracurricular activities on campus (there is an array of stuff each college offers - ethnic clubs, Student Government, intramural sports, the college choir, community service, etc..). Make sure though that whatever you sign up for gets you in contact with multiple people. Usually, during the first meeting of each activity, people will be encouraged to stand up and introduce themselves. During that time, smile, think positive and if asked, mention fun stuff you enjoy, like going for a run, riding your bike, watching comedies, etc.. Usually, a couple of people, after the first meeting, will come up to you and say hi, and then friendships begin from there. The key, overall, is to be involved and soon the loneliness will dissipate. Who knows - you may find yourself by senior year too flooded with friends who want to hang out. Oh, an aside, I read that being outdoors, based on a UK study done on clinically depressed subjects, boosts up pleasurable feelings at a remarkable level. So, with that in mind, definitely, go for a run around your campus, or if that's a bit much, a walk and soak in the good rays and air.

Answer 6

Everyone has a right to be here. Start working on your confidence, and self esteem issues, dont give a stuff about fitting in. It doesnt matter what others think or say about you....theyre gonna think it or say it with or without your permission..... what matters is what you think and say about yourself. Take up a new hobby something youve always wanted to do, join a local club or group where you can meet likeminded individuals. Just realising your problems means youre halfway to solving them, so congrats for getting this far..........you could think about joining a volunteer group like helping out at a soup kitchen or something???? You have to break out of the poor me syndrome and actively try to help someone else solve or figure out their problems, when you switch from self centred depression to helping others insead, positive things usually happen both ways. Get into some of the self help books and audio tapes that are out there, the likes of Tony Robbins, Robert Kiyosaki, Jim Rohn, Dale Carnegie and Napolean Hill etc.Theres tons of them out there. Set some goals, write them down. and actively pursue them until youre happy with the results, coz as long as youre not pissing anyone off or breaking any laws...... most things are allowed. Oh and dont ever envy other people coz theyre probably more screwed up than you are, and one more thing dont break rule number 15.................rule number 15 is...........never take yourself too seriously.

Answer 7

What are you interested in? If you're not into partying and drinking then don't bother looking for friends who do it all the time and definitely don't drink to fit in if it's not your thing. Please know that there are a lot of folks in your boat...more that you can possibly imagine. You are one step ahead of the game because you sought treatment young. Go through the list of activities and groups your college has to offer that might interest you and consider joining one at least on a temporary basis and if you don't feel comfortable after a few months you can always try another group. You may want to check your city's website or the local newspaper to see about events or activities that may interest you.

Answer 8

you're not deeply depressed......i would venture to say that you just want to be like every other guy....be glad you're not...if you don't drink...don't start...at 22 you shouldn't be married. as far as friends...if you live to be 100yrs old and make 2 good friends you've done well....in life it's good to be sociable but it's better to be who you are.I'm 52yrs old don't know or have never seen you, but I'll take a shot in the dark about who you are...you came from a nice family and you are the only boy might have 1 sister. you have a gentle
spirit, caring, giving and a little confuse about where you should be at 22yrs of age. i think you're where you suppose to be, in a place of learning so when you meet the right girl and start your own family you will have a means of support. you have not settle on a career as of yet for sure but will do well in whatever you chose to do. your true problem is you don't think you measure up to who you think you should be.the thing that makes you think you're messed up in the head is that you're not a follower. you're more of a MAN [leader]then even you think. I feel that the only thing missing in your life is GOD. seek and you will find, knock and it shall be open unto you and ask and it shall be given. young man remember that there is no one else on this earth like you.

LIVE RIGHT,LIVE LONG and LEARN MUCH

Answer 9

Sounds to me like you are your own worst enemy. Look at the bright side...(easy for me to say) you are going to college...many people can't do that, you're still young & you've got plenty of time in your life to meet people & maybe find a relationship. Don't put a timetable on your social life...lay back & let things happen as they will. If you're frantically trying to meet people, you will run into a brick wall, as you have. I'm sure there are some clubs or organizations in your school, join a few, let people get to know you, chill!
Good Luck

Answer 10

Hey, I was in the same boat several years back, but add divorce to that picture and uncertain sexuality and there you go, you have one messed up nutball. So, what I have found is to be with those you love, like your friends and family. If you are having problems finding friends, then find what interests you. Are you in a certain department of your college? If so, then find the local club (i.e. psych club, art club, etc) or just a group of classmates you have class with and talk to them. I was in your same shoes, remember, it is possible to get through. Just take your time, and be yourself.