Would you please tell me a joke ? Could use some cheering up, from all your wonderful folks. *Will accept?

Question

Scottish jokes, as well.

Answer 1

I hope you've already been cheered up! I just saw the question. This is the best I could come up with for now:

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket & drapes it over a handrail--where it slips off into a vast tank of poo.

He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined!"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but my sandwiches are in the pocket!"

Ah well, as my mum used to say: "Cheer up! Nothing's going to be alright!"

Answer 2

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

***

"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."

***

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

***

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:

"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

Answer 3

The latest product of the Scottish car industry:
An amazing vehicle. Not only will it stop on a sixpence, it willl pick it up.

Terrible accident to a Scottish window cleaner.
He was cleaning a second story window when his wallet fell out of his back pocket. He went down the ladder to pick it up and it hit him on the head.


The three great diplomatic errors...
Never call a New Zealander "Australian"
Never call a Canadian "American"
And never, ever, call a Scot "English"

A man goes into a baker's in Glasgow:
"Is that a macaroon in the window or a meringue?"
"No, you're right, it is a macaroon."

Answer 4

Since this is the religion and spirituality section:

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street together. The priest spotted a 12 year old boy walking on the other side. He nudges the rabbi "hey, see that boy over there? You want to screw him?" The rabbi looks at the priest, a bit confused and responds "Out of what?"

Answer 5

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and
are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to
her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did
you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
(Well at least I know why now!!!!)

Answer 6

My favorite joke, happens to be a Scottish joke:

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish man?


One says, "Hey, you, get offa my cloud!"

and the other says, "Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!"


=0)

Answer 7

As a special gift for his 60th birthday, Angus' Sassenach employer gave him a pint of verra fine single malt uisge beatha. (That's Scotch whiskey to the uninitiated.) He slipped the bottle into the pocket of his troosers and headed to the local pub after work.

After a few celebratory drinks, Angus started to walk back to his cottage. It was dark, and without warning, a motorcycle came roaring up behind him and threw poor Angus into a ditch. As he was laying there, moaning in pain, he felt something trickling down his trouser leg.

"Michty Gawt," he raised his eyes heavenward and groaned, "please. . .PLEASE let it be blood!"

Answer 8

A man named Bob was watching the news in his house when a flood warning flashed across the screen signaling an evacuation in his area. As the rain started to pour down it reached the front of his porch.

A truck drove past and a man called out to Bob, "Get in the back, I'll drive you to safety."

Bob shook his head, "No, I believe my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will save me."

The truck drove away and soon the water had risen to the Bob's shoulders.

A boat paddled past him and the man in the boat said, "Get in, we'll row to saftey."

But again Bob shook his head and said, "No, I believe my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will save me."

So the man in the boat paddled away. Finally the water had risen so high that Bob was sitting on the room of his house. A helicopter flew over head looking for people. The man in the helicopter said, "I'll throw you a rope and we'll fly to safter."

But again Bob shook his head and said, "No, I believe my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will save me." The helicopter flew away...

Eventually the water rose so high that Bob drowned and as he was standing at the gates of Heaven Jesus was waiting for him. He said to Jesus, "Jesus, I don't understand. I believed in you whole heartedly...I really believed you would save me. Why did you let me die?"

Jesus rolled his eyes and said, "Dude, I sent you a truck, I sent you a boat, and I sent you a helicopter...if you can read the signs...I can't help you."

Answer 9

Why did the blonde stare at the OJ carton?

It said 'concentrate.'

How do you get a nun pregnant? Toss her in a confessional booth dressed as an altar boy.

Answer 10

One Sunday morning, a little old lady was weeping in church - alone.

Afterward, the pastor approached her. "Agnes? What's wrong? And were is your husband this morning?"

"He passed away last night."

"I am so sorry. Tell me - did he have any last words?"

Yes, he said, 'For God's sake Agnes, put down that gun!'"