I've just turned 13 and it was time for me to get my 1st bra. I live w/ mom, she and dad are divorced and he lives with another woman. Mom and his partner hate each other. I spent last saturday with them, I like her, though mom hates. She helped me choose my fisrt bra. When I got back home my mom was kinda hurt, threw a tantrum because it was dad's partner and not her who took me to get my 1st bra. She had called mom and said something like?See? It was me not you who helped Virginia to get her 1st bra! She loves me more than you! I didn't realize getting my 1st bra with her could hurt mom so much. She said things like you're not my daughter, you don't love me, you deprived me from one of the most beautiful moments of a mom. You stabbed me in my back. I got devastared, never intended to hurt her, I cried, hugged her, apologized, but she's stil kinda hurt, said I betrayed her, keeps saying things like I thought I had a daughter. I'm hurt too, I've always treted my mom with love.
2007-05-10 07:19:27 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
oh sweetie - i'm so sorry. you know what - you didn't do anything wrong. you just got a bra! the stuff that your mom and your dad's partner said are between them. they shouldn't use you to hurt each other. you apologized for hurting your mom - even though it was unintentional. that's all you can do. you might want to try and talk to her calmly (when she's calmed down) and let her know that again, you didn't mean to hurt her - wouldn't hurt her for the world - didn't know it would be such a big deal. but you should also try to tell her how it makes you feel to be put in the middle.
hang in there kiddo! i'm sorry you're going through this tug-o-war!
2007-05-10 07:24:09 · answer #1 · answered by Suzanne 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Please understand that this is truly not so much about you, as it is about your mothers own hurt and frustration with your Dad's new flame. Divorce always hurts, and unlike a death where the person is gone, you still have to deal with them everyday. I am sure there is also an underlying competition there for your loyalty and at times you may feel like the "pawn" between the sides.
I am very sorry to hear that you are put in the middle. I am sure in time and when the air clears a bit, your mother will be able to see that you did nothing wrong. I remember how excited I was to get my first bra, so, I am sure you were not thinking that it was going to have so many repurcussions.
I do not know why your Dad's new woman would say those things to your mom though. That was really wrong. I know that your mom's hurt was just dumped on you and she probably didn't mean it. At the time though, you were the only one there to vent to. You did not "stab her in the back" by simply being a young woman desiring her first bra. You never meant to hurt her.
As a mother myself, I am sure that my son (he's too young now) will eventually do or say something that may cause hurt in my life. However, I love him much too much to ever let that come between us or to ever leave a lasting wound for him. Words do hurt and do stay with you. I can still remember things my mother said to me when I was 15 that hurt me.
Give it time. She will come around eventually. Maybe don't bring it up and if she does, just reassure her that you love her and you are sorry, but you did not mean any harm. It also sounds like she could use some reassurance that no one will EVER take her place. There will come many other times that she can be the first to witness something with you. You have a lifetime.
2007-05-10 07:31:14 · answer #2 · answered by Singthing 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Aw, honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's not your fault at all. Your mom was evidentally looking forward to this day, too bad she didn't tell you. Yeah, she's hurt, but she will get over it. She's probably still hurting from the divorce and also with the relationship you've got with the "other woman". Your dad's partner had no right whatsoever, to call your mother and torture her like that. Her actions were rude, crude, immature, and totally uncalled for. Her actions hurt your mother as well. My advice to you would be, write your mother a nice long letter and tell her how much you love her and that you wouldn't ever intentionally hurt her. Let her know that you didn't know how important this even was to her and if you could do it over, you'd rather go with her. You might also want to talk to her about your relationship with "the partner". Let her know that even though you might like her, it's nothing against her, that you love her, and you aren't trying to hurt her. Let her know that if you weren't "friends" with the partner, that your life would be miserable there. Above all, make sure she knows that she will always be more loved and important than the partner. Best of luck to you sweety.
2007-05-10 07:30:35 · answer #3 · answered by swrong 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bless your heart...us parents sometimes do dumb things that result in our kids being caught up in the middle. Your dad's partner had NO business calling your mom like that and quite frankly, I am very concerned about that woman's behavior and her motivation. She may well appear nice and you obviously like her - but look at her behavior in that situation. That is telling you volumes about the kind of person she really is.
Now, on to your mother. Yes, your dad's partner did step into a significant milestone that is special between a mom and daughter and given how she flaunted that with your mother, clearly her motivation was to hurt your mother more than it was to do something special for you.
Give your mom time to cry it out and when things have calmed down, talk to her. Explain that you didn't realize how important it was to her to be there for that milestone. She's hurt, but personally - it's my opinion that what has hurt her more is the competition the other woman is fostering for your attentions, more than losing the milestone. With that in mind, keep the communication with your mom open, learn from her what events or milestones are important to her. And recognize, that when adults get stupid as that woman did - it's not your fault and I really think that once your mom thinks about it all, she's going to realize that the situation was actually one where the other woman saw an opportunity and took advantage of it.
You're just a kid - you know? Even at 13. Your mom's words were far too harsh given the situation and it looks like a lot of adult issues are putting you in a tug of war situation. That is NOT a good place to be at all. Feel free to share this answer with your mom if you think it would help.
2007-05-10 07:32:57 · answer #4 · answered by scorp5543 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should give your stepmother a call & ask her for advice on how to handle this - it sounds like the two of you have a pretty good relationship with each other.
No, that's probably not a good idea... ;-)
All you can do is continue to show your mom how she's special to you and continue to let her know that you would *never* intentionally hurt her - that you didn't realize that it meant so much to her, otherwise you most certainly would have saved that special moment for her.
And, although you are a wonderful person, to not want to hurt someone, you need to realize that the problems that your mom, dad & stepmother have with each other are *not your problems*. The most important thing that you can do is to continue to try to be the best person you can be, to keep learning and growing and getting better.
Mistakes happen. Apparently, this was a mistake, as far as your mother is concerned. All you can do is apologize and try to learn from them.
2007-05-10 07:26:07 · answer #5 · answered by Maureen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your mom sounds like she's just really hurting right now--and it really isn't about YOU at all. To have another woman living with the man she used to love, and having her throw the "first bra" thing in your mom's face would be a bit much for anyone to handle. Just give her some time to cool off. Of course she still loves you, and considers you her daughter! Now that you know what a ***** that other lady can be, don't let her use you to hurt your mom more. You can still be kind to her, but just know that she could be trying to use you for her own purposes. Good luck to your whole family.
2007-05-10 07:27:08 · answer #6 · answered by ~Anne~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This has more to do with your Mom's issues than with you or what happened. Is she seeing a counselor or a therapist? She needs help getting perspective on her changed situation.
There's nothing you can do about that--your Mom probably will not welcome unsolicited advice form you--don't be hurt, it's an ego thing.
While you're worrying about having hurt your Mom, neither of you are paying attention to how the whole situation is hurting you. You need to talk to a wise, non-judgemental adult who can help you to cope with the situation and the conflicts between the people who are important in your life. This could be a counselor at school, a pastor, priest, or rabbi, or even the mother of a friend. You can do this on your own, but your adolescence will be much happier if you have a wise woman helping you over the bumps.
2007-05-10 07:34:29 · answer #7 · answered by nightserf 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your dad's partner is to blame here. You are a child and could not know this would upset your mother. I completely understand your mother. I have two kids. My husband and I always take great joy in participating with our children as they reach certain milestones-losing their baby teeth, going to the beach for the first time, my husband insists that he buy our son all of his first sports item such as baseball glove and bat. And yes, buying a daughter's first bra can be one of these special milestones to be shared by a mother and daughter. If you did not know that, your mother should not blame you. Your dad's partner is an adult and I am 100% sure she knew this would upset your mother. You need to tell your dad what is going on and to tell him she is using you to hurt your mother. Check with your mom before you do anything with the other woman. She is more important. You can still have a good relationship with the woman but your mom should definitley come first. Talk to your dad as soon as possible. It's not your fault. You were just there when your mom was angry and wanted to yell at someone. Talk to your mom. Let her know she comes first.
2007-05-10 07:32:30 · answer #8 · answered by dkwkbmn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes....that situation stinks. You are definitely caught in the middle. It sounds like both your mom and your dad's 'partner' showed immaturity in dealing with this situation. You can tell both of them that you had no intentions of causing hurt feelings and didn't realize it would be such an issue. They are the adults and should not make this your problem. You may want to seek a counselor to confide in to deal with future problems and develop a strategy to avoid being caught in the middle. Your mom shouldn't have allowed the other woman to push her buttons, your dad's partner shouldn't have tried to hurt your mom at your expense, and your dad needs to address the problems you are encountering. It's not fair that you are being made to feel guilty. You need guidance from all parental figures and they all three need to be the grown ups. Your mother is tougher than you think and will realize that you are not to blame in this situation. Hopefully she was making those statements as an emotional response to a hurtful comment/situation. Being part of a blended family is hard & is unfair. I'm sorry for that. There are no easy solutions. Good luck to you
2007-05-10 07:30:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off your mom needs to grow up! It seems your a good loving kid and obviously respectful of her. But she needs to know that you didn't do this to hurt her its a bra for cripes sakes and to make you feel guilty about it is totally ridiculous. I think you've done enough as far as comforting her over this and your the child in this relationship. Its unfortunate that your doing the parenting here while shes being totally immature about this. Shes taking out her feelings of not liking this other woman out on you by making you feel guilty. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong here and should not feel guilty over this what so ever........Your mom needs to be a mom and not put a guilt trip on her 13 year old daughter over a bra! Your a good kid dont let her bring you down because she is feeling that way and if she was sooooo concerned about your 1st bra she should have taken you sooner.
2007-05-10 07:31:23 · answer #10 · answered by Allison L 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋