How do I stop having sex with a man I really like until he's ready to be in a committed relationship?

Question

I'm 40 and divorced for a year so new again to dating. I've become sexually involved with a man (also 40) I've been dating and crazy about. He's wonderful but not very open with his feelings. I think he was hurt very bad by his ex-wife (many years ago). Well I've only learned that he wants to take things VERY slow relationship wise (i.e. he doesn't want to be in a "committed" relationship yet). I can understand that but he always wants to have sex (and I always enjoy it) but my emotions are growing and growing for him (especially when we have sex which is a Very intimate act for me) but he has his emotions on lock down. I enjoy his company (and the sex) but I don't want to continue to have sex if he's not making any moves towards commitment.
How do I stop having sex with him while continuing to build a relationship without seeming like I'm now withholding sex until I get a commitment and without losing him.>

Answer 1

Take the focus off of sex and try actually having a friendship....that's the problem...I think you started having sex way too fast..If that's all you two wanted initially and you both agreed that's fine but now you've caught feelings and that may be scaring him a bit....Back off of the sex, as good as it may be....If he really cares about you at all then he'll understand if he gets upset then you know where he stands and you may want to ascertain whether or not this is a man you would really want to invest your heart and emotions into......Best of luck.....

Answer 2

I am about your age and also divorced. I can tell you that having been very hurt in my marriage, I am far from ready for a serious relationship and it has been a LONG time (separated 2 years, divorced 2 years). My ex husband is dating a woman exclusively now for 6 months and while he sees her often, I don't think he's ready for a serious commitment either.

The reason is that when you have been so intimate with someone for a long time and things do not work out, it takes a long time to really heal. It may vary for each person. For instance, you are already at a point you want more of a commitment but since your boyfriend had such a bad experience, he isn't ready. Don't force him.

I would not condone any mind games such as holding out on having sex until he is ready for a commitment. First of all, punishing him for his feelings is sacrificing part of the intimacy you could be both developing. Also, you are punishing yourself by not enjoying physical intimacy. If you think he is USING you, then reconsider whether you really want to be with this guy anyhow, dump him for your own sanity and buy a vibrator until you find the right lover for yourself.

Answer 3

Why did you think you had to have sex with him in the first place? So the sparks flew...yes, so what?! Perhaps HE thought YOU ONLY wanted sex, so he obliged!...and, now that you're getting serious, he is shutting down/backing off emotionally. Sex for most women is an emotional experience. For most men, it's generally only physical.

If you're new to dating, there are plenty of men (yes, really) whom you can have a relationship/friendship with and it not immediately lead to having sex.

Sounds like this guy is only out for a good time. And, they ALL use the excuse of the ex-wife hurting them!

If the two of you aren't living together, then stopping having sex with him should be fairly easy. When he comes over, be prepared to leave and go somewhere so you won't have the pressure of having sex or not having sex with him. YOU set the boundries on the relationship, and stick by them. It's YOUR body. He doesn't get to control what YOU do with YOUR BODY - YOU DO!

If the two of you are living together, then it sounds as if you'd best resign yourself to this relationship not ever going any further.

Remember the saying...women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex. That's so true.

Answer 4

'Tis a good idea to review your relationship and find out how you arrived at this delimma to start with. Fact is, you jumped in bed before you understood your partner's motivation. That happens lots, but you can use this information to correct the problem next time.

If you love the benefits without his commitment, and are content that he might be/could be sleeping around, then by all means continue to enjoy the freedom of being friends with benefits. DO NOT continue just on the hope/wish/desire that he will some day be ready to commit. That won't happen.

Good Luck

Answer 5

You REALLY need to read "Mars and Venus On a Date"! Seriously! This guy may be interested in developing a relationship with you--I won't say he is not---but if he is getting his needs met already, why would he be interested in meeting yours? He's already getting what he wants. So if you tell him respectfully that you want to back things off and give your relationship more time to progress, IF he was never really interested in progressing beyond the bedroom, then yes, he'll likely leave. If he genuinely cares about you and wants to be with you, then he will certainly balk, but he will respect your reasons and allow the relationship to grow. After all, if he claims to want to take things VERY slow---then he should understand, right? Because otherwise, it sounds like an excuse to use you for sex without giving you any commitment.

Answer 6

Rarely will you find a true "committment phobe" or someone who wants to "take it slow". More common is the man who doesn't want to commit to YOU or take it to the next level with YOU. He enjoys your company, and the sex, but more than likely that's all he wants. Ever.

If he truly valued you, and respected you and wanted to make sure you stuck around no matter what, he'd get over his "phobia" and be willing to speed things up. He had no problem jumping in the sack, and unless he's sixteen he knows the implications of having sex with a woman in regards to her emotions.

Withhold the sex, and be willing to lose him. If he only wants you on a sex-only, no-committment basis, why in the world do you want him?? You've been divorced once, you deserve much better the second time around. Don't play into a bad situation just to keep a man. You deserve to get what you want, you deserve to be happy and satisfied! That might mean you don't get to have a man right now, but it does mean that you are worth holding out for the right one.

Come on, girl. Don't do this to yourself. Don't read more into him than what is really there, and don't compromise yourself for someone who is not worth it. Give him the no-sex rule, don't give it as an ultimatum. Don't say "no sex unless..." just say no more sex. Let him do whatever he wants, including leaving you. And then be glad the day he leaves so you're free to find better.

Answer 7

Stop having sex with him until he's ready to be in a committed relationship.

Answer 8

sopping the sex isn't the answer for either of you.
communication is.
I guess putting him on the spot about it won't help, so maybe just tell him you are ready to talk about marriage whenever he is. then don't mention it again.
but unless he shows interest in other women why is it even an issue?
the fact is that this relationship might be exactly what both of you need... intimacy without complication.
if you love him perhaps you might consider his needs as much as your own, and stop trying to force him to obey your view of how the relationship should proceed.

Answer 9

Hey MyName,,

You ARE using SEX as a weapon to get what you want. Where did you learn that?? Sex is part of a “committed relationship” yet you want to withhold that until YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT??? Don’t you see the dichotomy of your words and actions????

“How do I stop having sex with him while continuing to build a relationship without seeming like I'm now withholding sex until I get a commitment and without losing him.”
Hah, that is EXACTLY what you are doing don’t sugar coat it !!! And you want to build Trust and a “relationship” based on your actions and behaviors ??????????????????????? Maybe that worked when you were 17-18 but you are 40, FOUR ZERO.

He feels venerable-mistrusting(based on a prior relationship) and not sure of who he can trust or IF he should ever trust another woman and you are playing the SEX CARD?? If you want to build trust and a “relationship” you CAN find a way to get thru his “defenses”- get him to open up mentally and emotionally to you. And, you need to do the same to him. Communication, Effective Communication is paramount. You can do this and unless he’s completely-utterly emotionally dead inside he will learn to trust-open up- and expose his emotions. Trust and understanding are building blocks of a committed relationship. (withholding sex is high school behavior, regardless of who does it)

Answer 10

I just got married yesterday after a first marriage failure of 29 years. I just lived the exact question you are asking. I don't know if withholding sex to obtain your goal is the correct answer. It wasn't for us. He is going to have to forgive his ex and himself for the failure of his marriage. Yes, he has to understand that yes she did things wrong (my cheated, lied and left), but he was partially at fault as well. That is the hardest part to grasp. He wants to lay all the blame elsewhere I'll bet. He has to understand that they both failed miserably! That she is another person now, but so is he. He also needs to understand and believe that you are not her and will not be like her. That you both can put the past behind you and start again new learning from your past mistakes. I don't know if you have any kind of religion, but I know that the only way I was able to forgive myself and her was with God's help! I'll pray for you and him that you will both understand the past is the past and let it go. I'll pray that you both can look forward to your life together as a new beginning. You probably need to let him know that you do not want to live in a uncommitted relationship forever, that you do not want to run him off and that you are willing to wait on him. But you need to also let him know that you will not wait forever.