Does anyone have a suggestion for my mom for a VERY tactful way to deal with my 73yr grandfather?

Question

Grandpa is very demanding, he wants my mom to go grocery shopping almost every day, drive him around town, etc. He will be able to drive in a month or 2, (hip surgery)He wants ONLY her to do this for him, and she has a very painful shoulder joint problem.Yesterday she told him she needed some time to herself, he got very upset and said he didint like the "things to be presented like that" He also said,"you can turn me down any time you want, just dont tell me you need time to yourself" He has been tested for Alzheimers and does not have it, but he is a little forgetful. He is going to call later today and ask her to bring him somewhere. How can she turn him down without upsetting him? SHe wants to go shopping today but does not want to bring him.Her shoulder will killing her early this morning and.Other people have offered to help out drive him but he wants only her.She says no to him when she has to, she is just looking for a new, very tactful diplomatic way to tell him no

Answer 1

Mom needs to handle this.She needs to be honest with him and just tell him she doesn't feel well enough to go.
She could make a schedule for him and involve him in deciding what days she can transport him and have him keep a running list of the things he needs. Then on "his" day she can take him and make it special, lunch out at his favorite rest. etc.
He may just be lonely and bored, call him and chat.
He has lost his independence and this is hard for him too.

Answer 2

She could try telling him that she goes to the grocery store on a certain day. She would say something like, "Dad, I go to the grocery store on Wednesday morning. Please have your list ready by then so I can get everything you need." Then when he asks her in between to go for him, all she has to do is say, "Dad, I only go on Wednesday morning. I will pick you up then."

This could be a tactful way of handling it.

Of course if your grandfather lives alone, he may be scared of being alone for too long. This might be why he always wants to be with your mother. Is it possible for you to go to his house and spend some with him? I know he only wants your Mom to do stuff for him, but would he accept you and his other grandchildren visiting him. This may keep him from getting too lonely.

Good luck and I hope your Mom's shoulder starts feeling better. I know how she feels.

Answer 3

If he is used to being active and this is the first time that something has happened to jeopardize his independence he may be feeling lonely, insecure, frightened and frustrated. He may not feel comfortable saying these things so uses excuses of "legitimate needs" to get her attention. How far away does he live? Is it possible for her to visit him daily for a half hour or so?
Perhaps, if she did that, he would not feel the need to ask for the errands. While she is visiting, she could say, " I am going shopping on Wednesday (or whatever day). Let's make a list of the items you will need and any other errands you will need done so I can do them all at once."
My guess is that he is feeling vulnerable and realizing that as he gets even older he is going to be more dependent on others to assist him. He may be "testing the waters" to see how much help he will be able to rely on.
You don't say if the others available to assist him are family or friends. He may feel uncomfortable letting others see him in his present condition.
Life transitions are rarely easy and aging is certainly not. As my grandfather used to say, "old age is not for sissies!"

Answer 4

Well, im not sure but... maybe is she makes him feel special, like if she makes specially time for him.

For example, when he phones up today, maybe she could say that she cant right now, but she will spend some time with him a bit later on or the next day.

I think that maybe ur grandad doesnt just want her to ferry him everywhere, but wants to spend time with his daugher. He is her father afterall. So if she makes him feel loved and makes time especially for him say 2 or 3 times a week, maybe hell stop being so demanding and feel more like she does care about him still.

As people get older, they get more and more lonely aswell, where before they were perfectly happy to be on their own. Just think, it must be really bad....your body isnt as fit as it used to be, its hard to walk and stuff.....you can work anymore and ur bored all day at home.....etc. Can get pretty bad.

Maybe she could also try to get him to got to a club or something where he can "hang out" (if i can put it that way) with ppl his own age.

Answer 5

Yes, good idea rufiboy!
Your Mother could sorta fib and tell her dad that the doctor has limited her to one day a week for running errands. But that day could be made special. Maybe a meal out? Or maybe getting an ice cream cone...or something? Rather than having everyday be such a chore.....make it special in some way.
Good luck to your Mom! And hope her shoulder gets to feeling better.

Answer 6

tell him that in fact the family doc has categorically asked her not to venture out or drive down as she's got some prob with something... et al. put the blame on the doc...