Abused Child!?

Question

I know a 14 year old girl who is in the hospital because her parents abuse her. Right now I'm like her "mother" I try to keep her calm and relaxed (I'm in my late 40's). She has recently told the hospital about what her parents do to her. Since then she has been very afraid. She gets really bad, scary dreams and can't sleep. She is also afraid that her parents are going to "get her" while she is sleeping. I keep on telling her that she is safe and that I'm right here. I can usally get her to calm down and stop crying but when I get to the part that I'm putting her to sleep she starts crying again and she can't sleep. When she does sleep she always wakes up with a fever and she is cryign again. But she really needs to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone have any suggestions on how to get her to sleep and keep her calm while she sleeps? Any bed time routine that I could do for her so that she is calm? So far I tryed telling her a story and it sorta worked. Any other suggestion

They gave her stuff to help her sleep but it didn't really work and they can't give her anything else because she is too young and tiny.

like a list of things that I could do with her as a bed time routine to help her relaxe and then get to sleep and once she is asleep what would be a good way to try to prevent the bad dreams I know they are going to happen sometimes but what would be the best way to minemize them.

she is going to start therapy soon but until it works I really need to do something for her to get her to calm down so that she can rest

Answer 1

Bless you for helping this child.

I have a bedtime routine that I use to relax my youngest daughter, that you might like to try.

We start by making sure she is relaxed and ready for bed and then I ask her to do the following:-

"Take two deep breaths and then breathe normally", then I say "you are standing at the top of a staircase and when I say a number you take one step down. At the bottom of the stairs there is a comfy bed / peaceful scene / a garden (or whatever she would like to use and would feel safe there)

I pause in between the numbers for about 10 seconds, of course you don't say the word pause, you just wait quietly and count in your head for several seconds, talking in a low, calming voice.
-pause-
one -pause- "your hands, fingers and arms, your legs and feet are all relaxing and growing heavy",
pause- two -pause- "your neck, scalp, forehead and eyelids are growing heavy and tired"
pause -three- pause- "when I kiss you goodnight you will know that my love will surround you all night as you sleep"
pause - four- pause- "there is no stress in your body, mind or spirit"
pause - five- pause- "you will sleep well tonight and wake up in the morning feeling rested and refreshed"
pause - six - pause - "you will feel God's love surrounding you tonight like a warm, cozy blanket all night as you sleep"
pause -seven- pause- "your shoulders and back are completely relaxed now"

and so on ........

I might mention certain "key" words if you are dealing with a troubled child - "peace", "safe", "calm", "safety", "Angels watching over you" or "God's love protecting you" or "No harm can come to you here"

I usually only need to count to five, but I will go up to ten, and sometimes more if she is having trouble relaxing.

Answer 2

If she was that badly abused by her parents, the trouble sleeping is likely to take months if not years for her to overcome. Those kinds of ingrained fears are deep and take a long time to dredge out and get rid of. Once they are "gone", she will still have relapses for the rest of her life, but atleast she will *have* a life!

Talk with the medical staff about some aromatics, and if they can allow it, find some light aromatics that she can tolerate and use them to help to keep her calm. Lilac supposedly helps, but I've never been in a situation where I've been able to test it.

From the sound of it, the only way you can help, other than be there for her, is to see that she isn't aware she is falling asleep (like telling her the bedtime story), but that is a fine line - keep her too engaged and she'll never sleep, don't engage her enough, and she'll think you're talking down to her.

Anyway, good-luck, and hopefully when the Crown/DA and cops come in to talk to her, relating what has happened to her so the garbage that abused her can be tossed in jail won't trigger too much of a relapse...who knows, bringing this into the open (other than just the Hospital staff) may even help her sleep a good night or three, poor girl.

EDIT: after reading some other answers, one of the things causingher problems may be that she fears that she will be returned to her parent's custody. The sooner they are convicted and placed on the Child Abuse Registry, the sooner this fear can be addressed.
As for Prayer, it only works if *she* believes and you let her know you are doing it. Have the two of you discussed religion? If she doesn't know you're praying for her, it will have no effect.

Answer 3

Routine, routine, and routine. It really does not matter what it is that you do as long as it is relaxing and she is comfortable with it. It will take a very long time. There are techniques for self hypnosis, prayer/meditation and such that will help in the long term. Do some personal reading on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and see the best way to help her without reliving the trauma over and over.

In the mean time, don't lie to her. You are at a very critical junction. If she finds out you have lied to her, it will not only keep her from trusting you but it will also lump her experiences into one. She will believe that no one can be trusted. If she is going to have to go back to her family don't tell her she doesn't. If you want custody, start keeping a written document of what she tells you and what she dreams for court. But before you commit know that the road is very long ahead of you and her. So don't go into this unless you are really ready for a lifetime commitment.

Answer 4

I am somewhat confused... are you in hospital with her, trying to get her to sleep, or does she sleep at your house usually..??
Anyway, you are on the right track, offering her safety and support, just keep assuring her over and over. She has been severely traumatised, so you could try giving her an added sense of protection by buying a 'cleansing' or calming roomspray (from health food shops, based on essential oils) and spraying the room together prior to bedtime. Some of the sprays are designed for eliminating negative fields and even if you don't believe in such things, she will probably find comfort in it. I have used essential oil room sprays in the classroom and have found it made a significant difference to some students, so please give it a try.

Foremost, I would highly recommend 'RESCUE REMEDY' by Bach Flower Essences. Just a few drops under the tongue or mixed into a glass of water really does make a difference. It is used extensively with adults and children alike in situations that are stressful as well as emergencies, and it is also readily available at health food stores. It contains flower essences that have a profound effect on the traumatised body.
Often in situations such as hers the child regresses emotionally, so even a teddy bear to hold in bed will often help.

Ultimately, I think this poor girl really needs to have some counselling in order to work through her obviously complex issues. People often dream about what has or is happening in their lives. This can be used as a positive, to work things out or heal. But given her age, she really needs to see a qualified counsellor as sometimes even the most well intentioned comments can actually do more harm than good.
I am glad she has found a warm, loving person willing to give her the support and comfort she so desperately needs. I am just afraid that she has to deal with so many dark demons that you alone may not be able to 'calm her' at night without some help and strategies yourself. Maybe you could also talk to a counsellor about what you can do to help, get some strategies that are helpful and also some support yourself, I feel you may just need it.
God bless you both.

Answer 5

Well, I really think taht she could use some really good therapy right now..... if she's not in it, get her in ASAP. In the meantime do, ALL YOU can to comfort her. Many abused children aren't comfortable with touch; but if she will let you, mmaybejust giving her hugs, snuggles, or backubsmight help. I've worked in nursing homes, and I SWEAR that most people sleep better though the night if they've had physical touch before they go to sleep. If she'll let you touch her, that might help. In the meantime, just keep reassuring her. Maybe the doctors can give her something to help her sleep, too.

Answer 6

In a soft vioce tell her one day she will be strong, have control, and people who love her everywhere surrounding her and she will be safe. Explain that even though she is scared and smart to be scared of the bad things she has endured, remember she also needs to heal..if she does not relax and heal she cannot be strong later, so ask her is she can build a small little warm safe room full of warm warm light that surrounds her, light that fills her inside like hot chocolate on a cold day or like a milkshake on a hot summer day,in that room she can go when she is scared in her dreams she builds it so she can go there, with special toys, and books to read, and favorite music, and big blankets to wrap up in and her favorite food, and when she is in there she can sleep and let go. Ask her to help you build this lovely little room for her in her imagination so she can sleep, away from the dreams. While she is there no one is allowed in unless they are safe, no scary people, nothing but her and her food and her warm chair and toys and blanket and the light. No matter how big the dream, how bad it feels, ask her to just sit in her room and relax her body slowly while she knows it's safe...anything that tries to get in will get slime poured on thier heads and sprout mushrooms out of thier ears and grow toads for feet and run away because they can only smell farts! then she may have a small good place to let her hurting mind go. when her mind feels safe her body can start healing.

Try visualization, practice funny things happening to the horror her mind is making of the fear, so she can practice controling her mind and seeing the fear get smaller and easy enough to laugh at. Practice giving her a space of her own, in her mind, where she is gaurded by the light, nothing bad accepted near the light. Practice a few stories and then she can manage a little on her own as time goes by on how to make the scary stuff turn into just bad bitter mean tiny people she can deal with.

Answer 7

Well first of all, thank you for being there for this girl in her time of need. Pray for her. Prayer is powerful. She needs a good stable adult in her life right now and you being there for her is probably the best thing for her right now. I can't imagine any parent intentionally causing their child any pain. I'm glad she's out of their care and in yours. Thank God for people like you. Keep that up. As far as her not being able to sleep, I would have her talk to her physician and perhaps they can prescribe a short term sleep aide to help her fall asleep. I can imagine that it must be scary for her to fall asleep, especially if she's afraid. Just keep on being there for her and talk to her doctor about a prescription sleep aide for a few weeks maybe. Also enroll her into some counseling and maybe attend the meetings with her for support. If you want to try a non-medicated approach, you may have to take baby steps. Try putting on some soothing music for her and make her room as comfortable as possible. Make sure her room isn't totally dark, as she may be a little afraid of it being too dark. Just stay with her, maybe set up a cot in her room until she feels comfortable sleeping by herself. I would make sure to the best of your ability that she never has to go back to those awful people again. Thank you again for being a loving person in this poor girl's life.

Answer 8

Firstly, she needs to seek counseling and legally NEVER have to go back to her biological parents. This kind of reassurance is probably the only long term solution for her feeling like she can cal down and sleep.

other suggestions:

1. see if she likes candles or a certain smell...try a relaxing lavender body/pressure point oil..sometimes its enough to keep the mind busy and distracted

2. cool wash cloths on her head

3, a classical/relaxation CD

in my experience ..literally other distractions (smell, music, feel, etc) help the mind from focusing on the fear and anxiety.

4. journaling might help her too...tell her its for just her and no one is going to read it....it might help her work/get some of her feelings out!

5. also possibly taking her through the whole routine of locking the doors and windows and showing her that they are not here or coming for her.

hope you can find something that helps this young lady..she sounds sweet and you really are an angel for taking her!

Answer 9

I think go back to what works for babies. Soothing music/sounds (try earth sounds or some calm music w/o lyrics), warm bath, cuddling in bed while reading, full stomach, maybe let her find a transitional object (pick out stuffed animal or blanket). I don't know if your staying with her but maybe lying next to her until she's asleep. These are all just guesses but, I hope one of them works. I wish both of you the best of luck with this.

Answer 10

the best thing you can for for her is to say something to someone professional.

phone up social services and report this. you dont have to tell them who you are, they'll still take this seriously. i think care is prob better for her than the home shes in right now.

if you dont say anything im afraid you are as bad as the parents for letting this happen to her. get in touch with social services and explain whats happening. they wont storm round there like most people think.

they'll simply want to speak tot he girl and listen to her. if they feel she is in danger the social will get her out and put her somewhere she'll be safe. the'yy listen to this girl and really will help.

you have to do something as a reponnsible adult or you might as well be hitting her too as your letting this happen. i know the girl has prob told you not to say anything but she'll thank you when its all over. this girl will later in life be mentally disturbed by this and will affect her- maybe even suicidal.

i would like to help you. please email me at [e-mail] and i'll see if there is any help out there that i can give you to help her. ive been here before and believe me if you think this is affecting her now- wait till sh grows up. if she doesnt try kill herself over the bad memories shell turn to drugs and booze and will end up in trouble.