This Question is for parents, day care providers and anyone that deals with toddlers...?

Question

My 23 month old daughter has hit a hard stage for me to come up with some ideas of how to solve,prevent and get through this stage... she bites, hits, kicks, and smacks me when she is frustrated or doesn't get her way... I do not believe in physical disipline.. i believe in time outs and taking toys away... but when it comes to this issue.. I feel helpless... if anyone has some ideas that do work either creative or traditional please share them with me... I love my daughter very much and I am clueless of what to do when this behavior occurs... I have tried time out ... remove toys from her play area and ignoring the behavior none of these have worked for me.... please keep in mind I will not bite,hit etc. my child to show her it hurts... in my oppinion that just reenforces the behavior I am struggling with... Thank you in advance for helping me get some ideas to get through this with my daughter.

Answer 1

I have a 26 month old who does the same thing at times. It doesn't happen very often but he does have his bad days from time to time. I agree you shouldn't bite or hit back, that only tells them it's "okay" to do that. The most important thing is to be firm, follow through, and act fast. If she's not doing what you tell her to do or stopping what she shouldn't be doing, move her to time out for 2 minutes "immediately". Never make threats and not follow through, that's the main thing. There's no reason to raise your voice either, though most people probably won't agree with that. The "look" is my secret weapon, lol. Patience, patience, patience... the only way to survive the terrible two's! Good luck!!

Answer 2

There are a few things that might work, but really only time will really make it go away, unfortunately. It's a phase a lot of children go through. They just don't know what else to do with all the emotions they have, it's just too much for them to deal wtih.

You can try giving her other options for when she's mad, like give her a large stuffed animal that she can hit and kick and bite. That way she can still work out her anger, without hurting anyone.

Instead of giving her a time out when she does this, which is hard to do when a child is that angry, give yourself one. Make sure she is in a safe area, and go in the other room. She'll eventually see that she's going to lose you for a bit if she does this. Just go in your bedroom, or in the bathroom for a couple minutes. Then come back in the room. If she does it again, go out again. It make take a while because children this age are very stubborn! lol

When she hits you, make a HUGE production over how much it hurts you. Dramatic expressions, crying, etc... but try to make it look real. Children don't always know that what they do affect others that way. They don't understand that they have the power to hurt others like that. When she understands that, she may feel bad and stop.

I completely agree that biting or hitting back just reinforces it. Also, spanking them when they do it just shows it's okay to hit if you're bigger than the person you're hitting. Not a lesson I want to be teaching my child.

Answer 3

I have two little boys and I have been a daycare provider for years and years...this is a really common phase in toddlerhood. Your daughter is having a hard time telling you what she wants to tell you. She is ticked off and doesn't have the words to say so. So, the first thing you need to tell her when she bites is a firm "NO!, no bite, biting hurts owwie" Or whatever words you use for pain in your house. Then give her a word to desribe her anger "I understand that you are mad, you feel mad don't you?" Then say something like "Well I understand you are mad but biting is not nice and you need to go sit in time out" Or whatever punishment you pick. Once you have picked a punishment for biting or hitting always use the same punishment. Don't change it around. The more consitant you are the better. Don't give in to her. No matter how cute she is :) Once you place her in timeout she stays there until her time is up. But she can't be playing, yelling, jumping around in her timeout. Her time starts when she is sitting nice then set a timer for 2 minutes. If she starts acting up give her a warning that you will add time to the timer. If she keeps acting up you say nothing and just add the time. Your daughter is at a very misunderstood age. Your child understands roughly 20 times the amount of words she can say. People tend to assume that toddlers can't understand things because they don't talk much. Not true. This is the best time to enforce disipline...Just stick with it, make sure she knows you are the boss. It doesn't take hitting, biting or scaring her to show her you are boss. Simply follow through with your punishments stay consistant and don't back down. It takes time and effort but if you don't do this now you will regret it later. Good luck toddlers take a lot of patience and a lot more patience :)

Answer 4

This is a hard one, but my son when he was about that age decided he should do those things your daughter does. I told him first what I would do. I told him if you bite me, hit me throw toys etc... then I would take a toy away. If he threw a toy then I took that toy. He was a very inventive little boy I had put the toy on top of the fridge he of course found it. I had to find a place that he could not get into. It turned out to be the porch (we lived on the second floor and I could lock this door). I told him I would take that toy that he threw at me away for x amount of days no longer than a week. But the problem was it did not exactly work. In the end I had all his toys. Boy was he mad. he could not get to them to "steal" them back and he had nothing to play with. I reminded him over and over when you stop this behavior I will give this toy back. For example I took the easiest one when you stop hitting me I will give your truck back. He finally got the picture and I slowly gave one toy back every few days. Another problem I had that was sort of the same as this was in the grocery store. He would run around and demand and throw fits. I did not want to hit him or bribe him to stop. I wanted to reward him for good behavior. So I told him if you behave during the entire trip and I explained what I wanted, no pulling stuff off shelves, no temper tantrums no yelling etc... in other words I actually said to him stay with me and do not touch anything and I will give you a quarter to use at the "gumball/toy" machine. If he did not listen to me no quarter, if he did listen to me at the end of the entire trip after I paid for the groceries he got the quarter.
I hope this helps a little. There is hope for you and your daugher.

Answer 5

I have a day care in my home and this is what I do when a child acts out aggressively towards me or the other children in my care. First thing is I use a firm voice to tell the child we don't do that, whatever it was they were doing, then I pick them up and carry them into the nap room and place them in their empty bed for time out. I feel like young children need to know that aggressive behavior is not appropriate and they will spend quiet time alone if they act up. I use the nap room because it completely isolates the child from any other activity in my house, my kitchen and living room (the play room for the kids) are one big room and no matter where you put a child in time out, they can still see what's going on and attempt to interact with myself and the other children. The nap room is one room away and I know it's a safe place for the child to be and I know they will have no toys to play with and not contact with anyone once I leave them in the bed. I time the time out to match up with the child's age and I go to them when they have been quiet for the set amount of time. I do not let a child get up from time out if they are still crying or pitching a fit, that defeats the purpose. I always tell them their time out begins when they calm down. On the few occasions when I have had a biter or otherwise aggressive child, this technique works within one week of the onset of the behavior, with very little regression back to the bad behavior once the child has stopped. The basic idea is that the child needs to know that the only thing their aggression will accomplish is time alone with nothing to play with, and kids HATE that. Once they realize they will not be getting any attention, even negative, they stop. Good luck, I know it's hard.

Answer 6

I know that this may sound like it wouldn't work, but it did for me. My son who is now three had the same type of behavior for a long time. I asked the doctor what to do, because he would even hit, bite, kick me in front of the doctor for no apparent reason. The doctor told me that when he did these acts to put him in a corner, tell him what he did wrong, and walk away from him. You place the child facing out, with their backs against the wall, sitting down. When you tell them what they did wrong, you tell them that no one likes that kind of behavior, and when you walk away, you make sure you turn your back on the child. Telling them you don't want to talk to someone that hurts you and is mean to you. After doing that for about a week with my son, it stopped completely. The doctor said that it was because of the turning your back towards them. They don't like it and a lot of times they hit and bite because they are seeking attention, but if they realize that doing that stuff won't get them the attention, then they stop. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

I teach swimming and I use time out as a last resort. I can not smack of course, so generally I try to get the right response with positive suggestions. This does not always work, so then time out of the pool is the only option. I stress that this is not needed often, but a LOT ! ! ! of PATIENCE is.

I am also a parent and have two great boys. They learned a LITTLE about pain VERY early and a lot of "I love you" all the time I can count the smacks for both on one hand.
They don't want to disappoint me and are always well behaved.
One is thirteen and the other is eleven.
I hope that this helps.

Answer 8

Have you watched Nanny911, she deals with it by time outs. Most kids go threw it, so it should end soon for you. Also try changing her eating habits, this may sound strange, but some children act horrible from some foods and you won't believe the change of diet CAN change the child. Marilu Henner has a line of childrens behavior books called Healthy Kids check out her web site Marilu.com Good luck!

Answer 9

As far as the biting goes,it's not physical disipline to bite them back if you only do it hard enough that they know it does not feel good. Explain that it hurts Mommy when they do that,and show them how it feels. Ask them if they like it when you bite them.When they say NO, then you explain that Mommy does not like it eather. Physical disipline has many ranges,and it's not phyical in a bad way, showing them how it feels.How are they to know what a bite feels like if they never felt it? Same with hair pulling,when you brush there hair and it pulls do they like it? It's the same thing,showing them it does not feel good and explaining why, is Not being abusive. They are in the learning stage. Teach them.

Answer 10

My grandpa had seven children to raise and he gave me a little advice. My problem was not my daughter hitting me or any of that stuff because I smacked her hand as soon as she did it, told her no and it stopped. I do realize that is a personal choice though. My daughter likes to throw screaming fits. My grandpa said to take her and stick her in her room until she calms down. Do this with your daughter everytime she does something like that. Use a firm voice and tell her "That's bad" and march her to her room. Now when my daughter is acting up I say "Do you want to go to your room" and she says "NO!" So if spanking is not your method, try the old bedroom routine.