Am I mad to give up?

Question

Me and my boyfriend broke up last night. We've been together for over 3 years and i've been living with him for 18 months.

We'd been having stupid fights off and on for months. Last night I decided that it was 1 fight too many, and it was sort of a mutual decision to break up.

As this is the first long-term relationship i've been in where I really love and care about the guy, i'm not sure if i've reacted in the right way and made the right decision. We both still really love each other but things just didn't seem to be working.

Do you think I should have given us another chance?

I'm so miserable today that I can't think straight. I now know what it feels like to have your heart broken. It's horrible.

Answer 1

hey, girl. coincidentally, i had a major argument with my boyfriend just last night, too. we didn't exchange our usual good night kiss everytime we had an argument and although my temper had to do with it and his unknowing encouragement to bring out the worst in me, we both know we still love each other and whatever hurtful words we throw at each other were in a moment of anger and we NEVER meant them.

i guess if he understands you as you do him, and you divert your attention to happy thoughts and laughter everytime you feel the tension building or yourself getting irate, it should work out.

besides, the both of you still love each other. perhaps what you guys need are merely a time off to have a cool head, not a break-up.

so yes, give yourselves another shot at it. let him know that you'd try your best in this relationship because with him, you learnt what it feels like to be heartbroken, to love, to want, etc, and after being with him for so long, it'd be hard for you to go on life without him now that you know what it's like to have him in your life.

all the best and let us know how it went. :-)

Answer 2

Hun,

If you're meant to be and if you love each other, it's not too late to kiss and make up.

I'm only 22, and I've had 3 serious relationships (2 years, 1 year and currently 3 years). It is a learning curve, and because this is your first serious relationship you are only just learning how to react to problems and fights. In my first and second serious relationship, I didn't have a clue how to handle stuff. I'm still learning, but obviously it takes time and experience!

Why don't you call your boyfriend and offer to talk to him? 3 years is a long time to be together, so there must be some love between you?

Could it be that you weren't ready to move in together? Sometimes it can be stifling and you need your own space. Maybe that's why you've been having arguments over silly things?

I think you should talk to him and ask him if he thinks you guys should give it another go. Living together can be difficult! You learn lots about the other person, and there are times when you can become frustrated with each other. Having arguments is not necessarily a bad sign - it's how you deal with the arguments that matters.

If he loves you, he'll be feeling the same as you are today! Why don't you both try to get to the bottom of the issue. Figure out why you've really been arguing! Perhaps make a pact to make an effort not to fight about the small stuff.

Whenever my boyfriend and I feel an argument coming on, one of us will joke "if you want a fight, I'll give you a fight!" It's a good way of breaking the tension and making us realise that we're arguing about something stupid! If you love each other you need to remind yourself to respect each other enough not to fight about silly things.

Of course, if you have bigger issues, then you should talk (not argue) about those.

Give him a call hun. Tell him you miss him and love him, and you think you're both throwing away your relationship over something stupid. Then figure out why you've been arguing, and things will become clearer and you'll feel so much better.

xx Emmie

Answer 3

You say you been fighting on and off for some time now. Are all your fights over the same thing. Some times a couple will disagree but after three years you should know what will cause a fight and avoid it or get it out in the open. If that is what you have done and to end the fight is to break up then I would say it is over. It really sounds like you both avoided the problem from the beginning then as time passed it was brought up. Each time it is brought up the problem is bigger then the last. Until finally last night you both decide it was time to end the problem by ending your relationship. Now it sound like you have a guilt trip because it was brought up and and you are missing someone you care very much about if it wasn't for that problem that causes hurt feelings. The only answer I have is get rid of the problem. The problem might be the guy. If that is the case he has to go!

Answer 4

You have to ask yourself these questions:

1. Do we (you and your B/F) always make up, when we have arguments?
If Yes, there may be a reason for trying to get back with him.
If No, then you're in a rut and it's time to move on and make some new friends -getting out and changing your old habits.

2. Can you see where the relationship would go in another 3-5 years time?
If you don't see your future as a secure one, then maybe you weren't meant to be together forever!

3. Is this Really LOVE?
After all, its your first proper relationship, and there are plenty more fellas out there -dying to meet you.

You seem to be clinging to your boyfriend, as you feel safe in this first (long term) relationship, but this is probably the wrong reason to try again -after all, you don't have any other stable/long term relationships to compare with this one!

You never said how old you (or your B/F) were, so I shall assume you are in your late teens or early 20s! Just take things slowly, and remember that you have a lot of living to do, maybe travelling or trying different jobs out or educational facilities.

Remember the saying: Variety is the Spice of Life.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

You're only giving us half the story... you date long enough and you're going to have a rough period and some fights. You don't fight for the sake of fighting, there has to be some underlying stress in your relationship.

"Don't seem to be working" Relationships don't run themselves, they require COMMITMENT and EFFORT. If you're living together, you're basically married except for the vows part. The reason people eventually say those vows is because living together and surviving the fights requires commitment and effort.

"Stupid fights" tend to mean that there is some elephant in the room. If there isn't something to deal with, than you should definitely get back together. I feel strongly that there is something you need to deal with (possibly commitment), so be honest with each other and discuss whatever the source of your discontent is.

Finally: get married... even if it is a hippy wedding where you go out into the woods with your best friends and recite your own vows to each other. Do something to tell each other that you want to be in this together for the long haul. At some point, if someone doesn't want to commit they should stop wasting the other persons time.

Answer 6

From the sounds of it I don't think you really wanted to break up with this guy.. Just that you were so frustrated from fighting all the time.. Depending on how your guy feels, you both need to sit down and see if you can talk this through. I mean really talk.. Get everything out in the open. Remember changes won't happen over-night, they needs a small bit of time.. Just keep the talking thing going.. Regardless if it's the last thing you want to do in the world at that time!

Hope he feels as you do and that ye manage to sort this out.. We all now what it's like to get your heart broken, why let it happen if you can catch the prob in time and fix it! :-)

Answer 7

Now you didn't say if you are still leaving together or not but if you have moved out, then let it remain like that for now. Will give you both enough time to decide what you want, you might come back but then both of you will be wiser for it and probably work towards having a better relationship Heartbreak? Cry as much as you can and dab your beautiful face with cold water, dress up and go visit some friends who really love you and where you can just have fun. Its not easy but you'll overgrow it. Good luck

Answer 8

I'm sorry that your relationship has ended. I advise you to give yourself a few days to process before you think about whether to get back with him or not. When I broke up with my ex, it was extremely upsetting and it took a lot not to call him and make everything alright again. I'm so glad now that I didn't. I knew deep down that we were no good together. But on the other hand, my current partner and I had a big fight a couple of years ago, and we broke up for a about 5 days before we realised that we couldn't be apart. We are better than ever now.
I do sympathise to how you are feeling though, all you can think about is him right now, but things will get better.

Answer 9

If you are fighting a lot it usually means it will end sooner or later. I know how you are feeling today and it is hard, but the longer you try to make a failing relationship work the harder it is to stay friends with someone you really care about. If it was mutual that means he is tired of the fighting too. Walk away and save your friendship with him. Maybe later in life you both will have grown back in the same direction, but for now cry today and go out tomorrow. That is the best advice I have gotten. I did that and now the guy I lived with is one of my best friends and we never fight.

Answer 10

Let separation and time work their magic for a a while. Don't rush back into what seems like a bad relationship. Give yourself a little time to adjust to not being with the guy. I would suggest about two weeks. Who knows you might think "I got out of jail, I got out of jail"! Or you might wish you were back with him. If it was a mutual decision to break up then you both need time to think.