I am planning to marry in 5 months, but i just caught him in a 2 month internet affair. I have gotten the same story from both parties, no sex but some touching and have only met twice. We have been together 5 years, he's my best friend and we have a daughter. He's says he didn't ever think it would go as far as it did and seems extremely remorsefull (he's been on the couch for 3 weeks now). We started counseling a couple of weeks ago, but i'm just not sure I'll get the answers I need or the advice I'm looking for in time to either continue the plans or call everything off.
2007-04-18 15:00:56 · 22 answers · asked by crystal h 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I would continue with the counseling for sure. If it was me, I'd say sorry, once a cheat always a cheat. But you have a daughter involved. If you really love him and think you can get over this then I would try for your daughter's sake. But he has to realize it will probably be a long time before you can trust him again, and you may never get the level of trust that you once had. I agree with some of the other posts that he doesn't seem too remorseful about what he did, only that he got caught. What kind of consolation is it for him to say I didn't think it would go as far as it did.
2007-04-18 15:05:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
On the couch??!? That indicates he's in the house. You're a better woman than a lot.
Here's the thing, if he played with your heart once, chances are he'll try again.
How much of this inexcusable behavior before someone (you) yells uncle.
Do this, try to step back and ask yourself if this happened to your best friend, what would you tell him or her?
Whatever the answer, treat yourself with just as much caring and respect.
Immature people play games, grown-ups make and maintain committments.
Better to wait before leaping into something that you may grow to regret or resent.
The fact that you caught him speaks volumes, you catch a cold, you catch a field mouse in the kitchen, you should not have to catch your partner dishonoring you or your home.
Lastly, raising a child is enough stress for one person, don't you think?
Who wants to be on the lookout making sure their husband doesn't just happen to become interested in another Internet affair? That's too much work.
He was touching? What the hell was he touching? He is not ready for the type committment that he may have indicated he's interested in pursuing. Do you both a favor. No rings. No vows, no divorce in two years.
(if it lasts that long)
If he's still sowing his wild oats, I would say, not on my time, buddy.
The fact that you're asking questions in this forum indicates that you know he's not ready for you and you're not ready for him.
Marriage is a very serious undertaking. I'll tell you what I told my godson today, there is no rush to the altar, only fools rush in.
2007-04-19 22:40:18 · answer #2 · answered by TygerLily 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously (and as harsh as this might sound) he was looking for something that he didn't get with you; that's no excuse however. THe fact that he MET the woman in question and that they "touched" leads me to suspect he'd do it again if he thought he could get away with it. If you are determined to marry this man, you need to resolve this stuff. If you just started counseling, and he's sleeping on the couch, that tells me a lot. It also tells me that you shouldn't be marrying him at this time. Perhaps a postponement until you can decide if you want to forgive him? If you cannot, you must not marry this man.
2007-04-18 22:06:22 · answer #3 · answered by TEACHING GODDESS 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you're wise you'll call off the wedding. It's 5 months off. You can always marry in a year or two, when you can be more sure of your boyfriend's fidelity, but you would just be fooling yourself to go ahead with it now.
This is probably just the tip of the iceberg....the one time he got caught....
If you've been with him for 5 years and he is capable of this level of deceit, you will have lots of misery ahead unless you are 100% certain that this was an isolated incident and he went crazy.
Just wait, and meanwhile, continue counseling as long as you can.
2007-04-18 22:05:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
There is a saying "A leoapard doesn't change it's spots". He SAYS he is remorsefull...do you know why? Simple because he KNEW in the beginning that there would be trouble if he got caught and to cover his butt now, he is "remorseful". "I'm sorry" is nothing more than an excuse the guilty party makes in order to NOT feel guilty for something they knew was wrong in the first place. So of course he is remorseful. He doesn't want to feel guilty...I'm not going to tell you what to do here...that's totally up to you, but are you willing to spend the rest of your life hearing "I'm sorry" on a daily basis?
2007-04-18 22:27:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would not continue with the wedding. I would suggest continuing with the counseling, postpone the wedding until you are sure the counseling will work, and then go from there.
Meeting someone from the internet AND engaging in some physical contact is not appropriate and is an affiar. There are reasons why your fiance did this and until you get to the bottom of it, you can't commit to a marriage. Period.
2007-04-18 22:06:26 · answer #6 · answered by PT&L 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think that wedding best be postponed. You haven't cared to marry before this, since you have a child before the marriage anyway - so waiting won't hurt. And, of course, the dude is always SORRY once he has been CAUGHT. And he better stay on the couch til your STD and HIV/AIDS tests come back all clean the first batch, then the retesting in three months.
What in the world do you think counselling will help in this situation? It's not going to make you less mad, or more trustful - and he doesn't care since he did what he pleased when he wanted to, so there's no love (sorry) there or sense of commitment, responsibility or even respect for you as his girlfriend or the mother of his kid.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, so you have a HUGE uphill climb.
2007-04-18 22:40:50 · answer #7 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Wow I am sorry. There are going to be some trust issues thats for sure. But if you feel that you can forgive him, then you should try the counseling. I would recommend that you push the wedding back some though. You need longer than five months to rebuild that trust. Good luck!
2007-04-18 23:59:48 · answer #8 · answered by JJ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeesh...I'm sorry to hear. I would postpone the wedding plans. You need to be certain before you would make that commitment. Personally, I would be out the door. How can someone vow to spend the rest of their life with you when they can't even be faithful to you before you are married? I would seriously rethink the relationship. Remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect and DO NOT settle for anything less. Best wishes to you!
2007-04-18 22:40:21 · answer #9 · answered by NoTurningBackNow 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would keep on with the counseling and not go ahead with the wedding until you're sure all issues are resolved. Being unsure about marrying him probably means you shouldn't quite yet. It's going to take time to resolve things and be able to trust him again. Don't rush into marriage if you are unsure about it.
2007-04-18 22:58:14 · answer #10 · answered by katskradle 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋