What can i do to make my daughter-in-law want me to help her more?

Question

I am a mother who had all sons and recently had my first grandchild, a girl, i am sooo excited but was told that I am too excited. (I don't get it) what am i doing wrong and what should I do right to not turn off my son and daughter-in-law?

Answer 1

Hi Izzy. I wish my Mum was as excited as you... I needed so much help with my first, but no-one was there.

Anyway's to answer your Q: Your daughter-in-law is probably just as excited as you are about her child. Maybe you could help by asking her about how she feels, getting her to talk about HER experiences as a new Mum, etc, without jumping in and telling stories about your own children. Use words that empathise, rather than telling stories about yourself.

Perhaps you just need to tone down your emotions a little. I don't know what "too excited" means... maybe your emotions are scaring them a little. Remember to respect them: This is their child, and they love her, and they are capable of being wise and responsible parents.

I don't know what to say, because I don't know your daughter in law, but I would have LOVED to have someone come over, chat with me and help me keep the house clean. I was so lonely as a first time Mum.

Answer 2

Right now they need their space. They just had their first child and need to ease into being parents and a whole new life. You've been a parent for a long time so know exactly how it feels but for them it's all brand new. I just had my son 4 months ago and my own mother was the same way until I finally had to just tell her to back off for a little bit. she's not trying to be mean or selfish she just needs some time to herself and her baby and her family first. It might just take her a while to adjust to everything. It's all about balance and she probably just hasn't found that yet. Maybe just offer to watch the baby while your daughter n law goes and gets her hair done or something that way she's getting some much needed pampering and you're getting something too. I know it's harder when you're very excited and stuff but just be patient and understand that you were there once too and she'll come around!! Good luck

Answer 3

Sometimes it's hard to take a back seat when you have a grandchild. It's always best to let them get on with it and learn by their own mistakes as long as the child is loved and well cared for that is the most important. Only give advise when asked and you will soon find they will! Support them as much as you can but draw the line when it verges on interfering even though it's hard to sometimes. There's nothing worse than going on about how you did things with your kids, I know my mum used to do it albeit well meaning. I try to take a back seat with my grandchildrens upbringing but give support and advise when it's asked for. It's always good to tell your kids what a great job their doing sometimes we all need a little praise from time to time. Since having children my daughter and I have become closer and closer as now we have we gave a big thing in common motherhood. I only hope she feels she can come to me and her dad for help without being judged. I'm sure it'll turn out great especially when they see how much you love the baby. Enjoy your grandchild!! .

Answer 4

Maybe you're being too fussy over the baby.
Let the mommy be the mommy - she can probably teach you some things about having a girl.
If she wants your advice or help, she will ask for it.
Offer to babysit on the weekend, that would help her out so they could get some alone time. She might not want you underfoot b/c she's still learning the whole mommy process and still learning how to care for her daughter.
Give her time and be patient and understanding.
Realize also, that the new mommy needs attention to. Yes the baby is cute and nice, but new mommies need attention as well.

Answer 5

You sound like my mother in law. Just let them be the parents. And calm down (if you are like my mother in law) She is always so excited it makes both of us and our kids nervous wrecks. You can have fun with the grandchildren, but you don't have to entertain them every second you are with them. My daughter was not a very girly girl. I can always tell from her pictures if we were with my mother in law because she always had ribbons and bows or some stupid hat on. If your granddaughter likes that kind of thing then great, but if she doesn't (mine didn't) then just try to back off a little.

Mostly, just let your son and his wife be the parents and make their own mistakes. My mother in law stepped on my toes many times. Don't just go out and buy her something because it is "your first girl" remember it is your daughter in laws "first girl" too and you may be taking some opportunity away from her.

Answer 6

I just had my first baby 3 months ago and my mother-in-law is very clingy. She lives about two hours away, so she can't just come over whenever she wants. Anyway, she wants to come over every Sunday, and its starting to become a nuisance. Don't get me wrong, I love that she is so excited and wants to be involved, but my husband and I need our time with our new baby girl. My husband works mon-thur, he leaves at 8:30am and comes home at 9:30pm. Then, on Friday and Sat, he works from about 8-3. If we want to plan a special outing or just relax with each other, the only time we get is on Sundays. So, I know my situation may be slightly differnt, but maybe that is how your daughter-in-law is feeling. Try to step back for a little while and see how things progress. Don't take it the wrong way, maybe she just needs time to get used to things. Have you tried talking to her about it? Good luck, grammy, and congrats!!!

Answer 7

Thats a tough one... you know the saying "A son is a son til he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life". Do you get along well with your daugther in law? I have a tense relationship with my mother in law, and therefore resent any "help" she tries to give me, and would much prefer my own mother.

With that said - for my ideal mother in law - here is what I would've liked - never drop by unannounced. Call several times a week to "check in" see how the baby is doing, etc. Offer to babysit so your son and daughter in law could go out to dinner, etc. Or offer to babysit so your daughter in law can sleep, take a nap, go shopping by herself, etc. Don't be pushy about it, just offer it. Don't give unsolicited advice, only if asked. And biggest of all - respect how your daughter in law chooses to raise the child - don't be condescending about how she chooses to do things, and certainly don't do things against her wishes (put her baby to bed the way she likes, don't give her junk food if your daughter in law doesn't permit it, etc.).

I hope I don't sound too harsh, after my experience I think its so wonderful to hear your concerns. Good luck!!

Answer 8

I'm sure they love you and welcome your love for their baby, but they need some time to adjust to being parents. They will be the ones changing the diapers at two a.m. I suggest doing something to pamper your daughter-in-law. Get her a gift certificate for a facial or pregnancy massage. Make it sincere, and don't be put off if she doesn't squeal with delight. She will really love the attention. Wait for their instructions on how the baby's delivery will go, and don't call and bug them constantly. It's so hard, but they will make sure it include you and ask for your help and advice when they need it. Good luck!

Answer 9

I have to agree with some of the other when it comes to the relationship. I have a really Awsome realtionship with my Mother in Law.. but when it comes to raising the kids.. or doing something like that we tend to find out we differ in a LOT and it starts to nag when shes doing one thing.. and im trying to show them another. As for being tooo excited.. i dont see how that could be possible! :) hehe they dont see it thru your eyes. hehe But just let them know you are there to help.. but dont try and push the help on them.. they will get frustrated (i know i been there) they will come around soon! GL

Answer 10

Just back off. Is this your son and DIL's first child? They are probably trying to find their own way, and do things on their own. It's very overwhelming when other people are getting too involved. I'm pregnant with my first child, and I have family that is getting "too excited" too. Its like they are trying to advise me of what to have the child wear, when to have parties, what to buy, etc etc.