When do you think gifts are expected? What about when etiquette states that they are?

Question

Some people seem to feel very strongly about when, why, and why not gifts are "expected". Read the following and tell me what you think. Traditional etiquette states: 1) if you attend a shower, you are expected to bring a gift; 2) when you receive a wedding invitation, giving a gift is obligatory (whether or not you attend and even if you've given a shower gift); 3) engagement gifts are optional; 4) the gift-giver is never obligated to buy off the registry (Source: Emily Post, the "Bible" of etiquette). Of course, these expectations also have expectations for hosts, brides, and moms-to-be: 1) never send out duplicate shower invitations (one shower per person); 2) never include registry info. in any kind of invitation; 3) family members never host showers; 4) never sent out invitations *just* to get gifts (invite only those you want to attend). What do people think? I'm not a bride - just curious. I always thought these guidelines helped protect people from hurt feelings on all sides.

Answer 1

1. I never think gifts are expected anywhere, but I would find it weird if someone went to a baby/bridal shower without one. I feel "showers" are called that because you "shower" gifts upon the guest(s) of honor.

2. If someone shows up to my wedding without a gift, I will not be angry or appalled or feeling antagonistic towards that person/persons in any way shape or form. I would thank them for giving me the gift of their presence on my wedding day. If they couldn't make it, no way are the expected or required to give me a gift of any sort.

3. engagement gifts ARE optional, I agree.

4. I agree as well. Registries are suggestions not requirements.

1. I agree here, one person one shower

2. I'm iffy on this, some people may not know a relative to ask if there is a registry, so it would be neat to have it there in hand. So don't put it in the wedding invitation, but put your registries on a wedding web page (like the Knot). I do think you can have the registry information in baby and bridal showers though.

3. Disagree. Family can host showers.

4. Totally agree.

Answer 2

1. I agree. I think it would be rude to go to a shower and not bring a gift unless you truly can not afford it and the person for who the shower is for understands your situation. Otherwise- always bring a gift, even if it is small.

2. I agree. A wedding is the biggest event in most peoples lives (aside from having children of course) and you are being honored by being included in this big day. It is polite to give a gift, again no matter how small, it is the thought and love behind it that will mean more.

3. I agree. The couple will get gifts at the showers and for the wedding. Engagement gifts I don't find to be necesary unless you are very close to the couple and feel like doing something personal is appropriate. Can vary from person to person.

4. I agree. I think it is great to buy off the registry if you know they really need that thing or if no one else has bought it and you feel like no one will (bc of price or whatever) But if you are close enough to them to know what elsey they might like then of course get it for them! It makes the gift more personal and a great surprise. Besides, if they don't like it then it can always be returned or exchanged.

1. I couldn't agree more. Tacky in so many ways.

2. I don't know if I agree with that. How else would your guests know where you are registered? Every inviation I have ever received has had registry info on it and I never took offense to that.

3. I do not agree with that. For some women their closest friend is their sister or mother and if the gift they want to give to the new bride or new mom is to throw a shower then thats ok by me. Some people don't have that great and giving of friends who would be willing to go through all the hard work it takes to put a shower together.

4. I agree so much!!! So rude to invite people just for gifts. Go buy the stuff yourself!!

Answer 3

Great question indeed!!

I agree with MOST of what's here....

1) I mostly agree. While it's understood that you're to give a gift, I don't think that giving a gift is EVER obligatory.

2) Again, I mostly agree. See #1. I personally believe you are to send a gift if invited, regardless of whether or not you are able to attend. I go by this standard for any party, though - not just weddings (yes, birthdays too!)

3) Agree 100%

4) Agree 100% - and I'm glad not all my wedding guests did. I received some lovely personal gifts that I never would have though of on my own. A registry is merely a guideline. A heartfelt gift means so much more.

As for the other side:

1) I half-agree. I think it's perfectly appropriate to invite close family/friends to an additional shower - AS LONG AS they understand they're just to come have lunch, and NOT TO BUY ANOTHER GIFT! I invited several relatives to both of my showers - because I wanted them to be there, not because I expected a gift. And I made sure they all understood that, too. In fact, Instead of mailing an invitation, I called the aunts I wanted to share the day with me the same day I mailed the invitations out and told them I wanted them to come, but didn't want to mail an invitation to them, because I didn't want them to think I was trolling for gifts...would they please join me for lunch? If a relative is close enough to me to invite to another shower, they're certainly close enough for me to call and be honest with!

2) I agree to an extent - including registry information in shower invitations is becoming more the "norm" and is done more as a convenience to guests attending a shower and are planning on buying a gift. To that end, a shower invitation is the ONLY and I repeat, ONLY place that registry information is acceptable.

3) I disagree. If a close relative wishes to honor the bride-to-be, I think she should be well within her rights to do so.

4. I agree.

Answer 4

For the most part I would agree with most of these "suggestions".
But for those couples who have been living together for some time, and maybe have all they need, what do you do then? Money seems to be the only answer, but then you have the problem of deciding how much to give without being considered cheap, or too generous (though too generous is ok by me)
With a gift, how much you spent isn't an issue.
As far as "having to give a gift if you aren't planning on attending the wedding", well, to me that depends. Is this a friend and you just can't attend? Then a gift is appropriate.
Is this a long lost cousin, you never met and don't want to attend then I think that giving a gift is optional.

Answer 5

I dont truly agree witht the guidelines... all families are different, some people dont have freinds, and some people that get married dont even want gifts like if they have been together forever or are well off.

I am getting married and these are my guidelines...

I will never ever expect someone to buy me anything. ever! Them being my friend or family and just having them around is a gift enough for me.

A wedding is about love not loot and I think people get way to fixated on this aspect of weddings and thats why people go nuts over them.

Oh and if you are from the school of they should be buying you a gift because you spent all this money for the wedding and food so on so forth.... get real!! These people are there to celebrate you and your new family. Relish in that not the gifts!

people give gifts if they want to. I think it is silly to expect someone to buy you something just because they got an invitation.

Answer 6

That's a tough question. I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to this sort of thing so I agree with everything you've listed.

As for protecting people from "hurt feelings"? I'm sure that this is what was originally intended. People give gifts for many reasons. I know lots of people who are strong anti-consumerists and environmentalists (not materialist at all) but they really do communicate love, affection, and respect by giving and receiving gifts, little kind deeds, and thoughtful messages. That's their "love language" so to speak. So, I guess if I were that type, knowing when people are *not* expected to give gifts could help prevent me from feeling offended or hurt when I don't get a gift.

The main problem I see is that in this day and age, you never know who knows the rules. For example, we moved from the west coast (where people are kind of lazy about this sort of thing - don't get me wrong, I LOVE the west coast) to the east coast where I find that people are much more aware of the emotions and expectations around giving and receiving gifts. It was a tough transition at first but I really like knowing what is expected and what's not.

Also, I think that sometimes people who get a lot of gifts don't really understand how people could get their feelings hurt. For example, I have a cousin who received not one but SEVEN bridal showers. She is very kind and has many friends - a really lovely person. People gave from the heart. But then, when her sister got married a few years later and only had one shower with like 5 people there, my cousin (the first one) couldn't understand why her sister's feelings were hurt. In fact she gave her a hard time for being selfish. The younger sister confided in me that it wasn't the gifts per say, rather it was the thought (or lack of it) that counted to her. My heart really did break a little for the girl.

Answer 7

Gift-giving is not about getting or giving "loot" - it's about thoughtful emotions and relationship ties. Gift-giving has been an important part of maintaining relationships in all cultures for all times (according to archaeological evidence.) All cultures have rules of this. Personally, I think it's kind of ironic when people say that they give gifts not because they are expected to but because they feel love for the receiver and then, in the same breath, turn around and say that brides shouldn't feel bad for not receiving gifts and if they do, then they are just "greedy". Wow, if you were going to decide whether or not you were going to give me a gift based on your affection for me and then you decide not to give me a gift, my feelings sure would be hurt! And rightly so, I'd say.

Answer 8

i might in basic terms deliver a extreme high quality card for the bridal bathe. as far through fact the marriage present is going, why no longer recommend which you wait till at last after the marriage so which you are going to see what they won? That way, you're transforming into it sluggish beyond regulation to save. presents do no longer might desire to be from the registry of presents, they're in basic terms concepts, yet you may seem on the checklist and perchance choose for some thing from there as far through fact the assumption is going. With all the fees you have already got, i'm undecided that your sister might assume a present day as properly. She might desire to comprehend your concern. are you waiting to have them stay with you in the event that they have been to pass to? you may desire to continually do up a card and supply unfastened lodging on the suitable place on the city...your place... dinner, mattress and breakfast presented. this way, you may desire to provide a diverse present and have some relaxing on the comparable time. i desire it relatively is an quite specific party for you, don't be tempted to spend extra desirable than you may arise with the money for.

Answer 9

i agree with these guidlines.
they dont have to be expensive gifts by any means, but a gift is always a good idea to congratulate the people whose occasion you are attending or cannot attend but would like to attend.