How can I better myself as a step-mother?

Question

Ok I just asked this question how to be more of a mother figure than a friend.

But the case is...their mother is a *****...a psycho..she's f0cking mental!!

The oldest one is very smart and just knows EVERYTHING.
The little one...yes I think she would take her mother's side.

But what can I do to make myself a better mother figure to them since their OWN MOTHER can't!!

Answer 1

I am a step mother also. It's been the hardest job I've ever had. My stepson has lived with us since he was 11 and now he's almost 18. His mom (who is also a crazy psycho) has never disciplined him and always given him everything he wants. So that makes us the bad guys.
At first I tried to be a mom to him but he was unable to take any type of direction or consequences and it caused a lot of turmoil in our home.
We went to counseling where I learned I'm not supposed to be a mom. I'm "just" a step mom. The counselor advised me to step back, let dad handle things, and to choose my battles.
Since I've been following that advice, things have gotten better but it's hard. I think kids need discipline, direction and consequences for their behavior, otherwise they don't learn how to be good citizens.
By the way, my son knows EVERYTHING there is to know. I told him to enjoy it because the older he gets, the more he'll know he doesn't know.
Good luck. You've got a full plate.

Answer 2

You can't. You shouldn't. You aren't. It doesn't matter who or what their mother is. She's still the mother. You can be a role model. You can be a close friend. You can not be their mother figure. You can be a good person.

Looking at your profile, it looks like your not even married to thier father. I don't think you understand the resentment those kids will feel if they believe your are trying to replace their mother. Ever step parent goes through it. There are boundries that need to be followed. The boundries are 1. don't talk bad about the other parent 2 don't try to be the other parent 3 do be a good role model 4 do be there for them.

Answer 3

Since I am a step mother the only advice I can give you is that you are not their mother. No matter how bad their real mother is you are not their mother. I told my step daughter that I would never try to be her mother but that I would always be here to help her. Its better to be a friend than try to replace their mother. One reason I say this is because if their life is unhappy with their mother and you try to be one to them. They could go home and say "so an so is a better mom than you will ever be" which could cause them more problems than what they need. Be the shoulder they need, the ear that will listen....trust me they will love you for a life time for that.

Answer 4

First and most importantly, no matter how you feel about their mom, never speak a bad word about her in front of the children. Or when the children are within hearing range. No matter what goes on in life, children always love their parents. And they can love you too, but she was with them since birth. It is just the way it is. It would be harmful for them to hear negative things about their mom from you and your husband. If she has been not nice to them or whatever and they talk to you about it, be loving and supportive but do not cut her down. You could honestly say, I have no idea why she acted that way. But I sure am proud of you and love you! This way, as they grow, they really will know how supportive you are with them. Be their loving safe haven where there is no negativity about her.
It is not always going to be easy, but if you love your step children and have respect for them and yourself, you can do it. You can always vent about her to your girlfriends or discuss a situation with your husband when they are not around.
By saying that the little one would take their mothers side, shows you are not really thinking of the children (not on purpose I do not think and I really mean no offense, just saying what I see). You are thinking of yourself and their mother and whatever issues lie there. Children should NEVER have to choose any sides. It is their right to love their biological mom even if she is a real creepo. We are made that way. But there sure is room for loving you too! Be the stronger, smarter person.
If you can truly master leaving negativity about her out of the picture and show them love and affection and interest in their lives, you will be an A++++++ step mom! Good Luck!

Answer 5

I know how difficult this may be. My fiance has 3 kids and I have 1. Just be yourself. Rather than trying to be mom, be a friend. The older one is smarter because as they get older, they have a mind of their own and soon, the little one will be just as smart. Don't talk bad about their mom because that will just complicate things and dont let them hear you talk about them with your boyfriend either. Relax, be yourself and dont worry about their mom being a b*ch. That is expected. There is nothing you can do to change that but all you can do is give those children your best as a friend.

Answer 6

The kids will benefit the most if you take the time to pay attention to them. This time is valuable and it never is forgotten. A simple time day at the park or skating rink or even playing in the backyard never goes forgotten. As you are around them you pickup on their ways, they'll even try you to see how much they can get from you. Be yourself, draw your lines out and dont let them get crossed. They may attempt to cross them but remain firm and they'll get over it real quick. But like i said b4 - taking the time to pay attention to them and being their friend means the most.

You can never be their mother, but you can still be their guardian. A guardian that helps steer them in the right direction and keep harm from them - look after them when you are with them. A guardian that pays attention to their problems and offers friendly responsible advice.

You'll be fine - don't sweat it...just be yourself! Just roll with it and tackle each problem as it arrives...use common sense and you'll do fine.

~D~

Answer 7

First get rid of your negative feelings toward their mom. You have no control over her.
Just focus on being the best person you can be.
You don't need to be a mother-figure. They need some sanity in their life and hating their mom is not going to help them. Good luck, it's not easy.
You need to be the better person, never ever bad mouth their mom around the kids. That is the worst mistake you can make.

Answer 8

Whatever you do, don't try to be their mother. Being a good female role model is a great idea & being a good friend too. But being a mom to them right now will only make them resent you for trying to replace their mother. You may know she's crazy, but they may still look up to her.

Don't talk badly about their mother in front of them (not saying that you do... just advice). Tell them often how glad you are that you married their father because it means you get to have them in your life too. Let them know you aren't trying to replace their mother, but if they ever need to talk to you about anything - that you're there for them.

Answer 9

Actually being their friend is what they need. More so, a female role model. The relationship with their mother has been severed and therefore their image of a mother has been severed.

I suggest being open with them and letting them know how much you love them. If they call you mom after a while, then you've gone beyond your original goal.

Answer 10

Youre not their mother. No matter what your opinion of their mother is its not your job to be their mother or give your opinion about their mother. Your job as a step mother is to protect them from being hurt while in your care. To feed, bathe, and wash their clothes type stuff. Its their fathers place to correct them if need be. Youre not their parent so its best you stick to being their friend. Let them know your there for them if they need to talk etc. Be kind to them when its your husbands weekend to have them if they live with their mom. The little one shouldnt have to pick "sides" her mom is her mother and if you bad mouth mom youd be the one in the wrong.