There is this guy who really loves me.I am real close to him and am very fond of him as well.The problem is that I am scared of what will happen if I get into a trelationship with him.
Let me explain our family backgrounds to you.
My parents had a love marriage and are very broad minded and democratic.They have allowed my brothers and me to choose lifepartners of our own choice.They have even unconditionally accepted my elder bro's girlfriend who is now just like a part of the family.
The guy I like has a different story altogether.His parents separated when he was 11 years old.His father was very abusive and used to beat up the mother.
I have heard that children who have grown up seeing abuse taking place in their family will turn abusive later.This is why I am scared.
He loves me a lot and I love him too.Only,I haven't yet told him that since I am hesitant to commit.His mother knows me and likes me.My parents like this guy too.What do I do?I am confused.Am I being silly?
2007-04-18 03:27:36 · 14 answers · asked by Tina S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
just because he has witnessed abuse in his household doesnt mean that he will be abusive also...thats juss a statistic...if this guy seems like a really nice person and he cares for u and u care for him then i say go for it...u shouldnt judge him like that...for all u know he can really turn out to be a wonderful person...give him a chance...
2007-04-18 03:32:12 · answer #1 · answered by Jessica A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand your concern and confusion But just as there are children of abusive homes who end up being abusive, there are also children of abusive homes who grow up determined not to be abusive in their own homes. He couldn't help his upbringing, it shouldn't be held against him.
And there isn't one of us who doesn't have some type of baggage from our childhoods.
Your first clue of whether or not he may become abusive is how he currently treats you, and others. If you don't see any tempers flaring, and he isn't physically or verbally abusive with you or anyone else now, it's likely that he won't be.
Also, if he has any residual problems about the abuse and feels that this could be a problem to having a healthy, loving, relationship with a woman, he could seek professional help to ensure that it doesn't become a problem in your relationship.
You both love each other very much, and should be able to discuss all your concerns, fears, and doubts. Don't borrow worry about something that isn't even happening. I would say that if your fears are unfounded, you feel that he's right for you in every way, and you don't have any other doubts, you should
commit to him. It's not everyday that the right person comes along, people spend a lifetime waiting for that special one, and so many don't even find them. You've been blessed with this wonderful man, don't let him go because of this.
2007-04-18 10:45:46 · answer #2 · answered by Tweety 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, things sound fine so far, what I would watch for then, is his behavior. Has he shown any signs of anything? How long have you guys been together? If it's been less than a year, wait it out, if it's been more than a year, just watch for things etc..I say this because it usually always takes a year or so to really see someone's true colors. I'm quick, so it takes me like three months. It's great that both families like the both of you, but that doesn't matter if you guys don't treat each other well, you know? Best wishes!
2007-04-18 10:33:13 · answer #3 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have recognized a valid red flag.
You need to evaluate a few things and discuss with your friend.
Evaluate:
How does he treat you?
Does he find fault with you?
Does he put you down?
Does he verbally praise you and build you up?
Does he get distressed if you do not agree with things he says or believes?
Do you know how he believes on issues that are important moral concepts to YOU? (These are areas where disagreements can damage a relationship).
Discuss:
Has he gone to counseling for the abuse in his family?
Would he be willing to go to couples counseling with you?
You are right to be concerned.
You are NOT silly.
If he's willing to go to counseling together and if he doesn't abuse you verbally or physically, then I see no problem so long as you make an agreement to discuss differences of opinion early on when they occur rather then letting them fester.
My husband was adopted, and he was abused as a child, but he is highly supportive and loving and overcame his past. He chose to learn to NOT be an abuser. So it can work out fine.
2007-04-18 10:39:04 · answer #4 · answered by Nedra E 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi tina u r confused but not silly, u r absolutely correct on your assumptions. this is question of your whole life. but one thing is sure tina that if father is abusive nature his kids will be alike. that is not true. there is no relations or connections with father,s nature with kids nature. if u both really love each other, and mother of guy like u, and your parents also like that guy, u can go ahead. there is no risk no gain. so u can take such risk. all the best
2007-04-21 07:18:19 · answer #5 · answered by gopi m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, that is a genuine concern. Not all children from abusive homes become abusers though. Has your boyfriend been in counseling for his abuse? If so, I wouldn't worry that much. Has he shown any signs of anger problems?
You need to talk to him about this gently.
2007-04-18 10:32:16 · answer #6 · answered by Go Bears! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i dont mean to be rude but yes you are being very very silly
i come from an abusive family too and i turned out just fine, i'm sure there are the few exceptions but most people just learn to deal with things and get on with life
2007-04-18 10:34:38 · answer #7 · answered by josietheninja 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While it is good you are looking seriously into his family background as a way to determine what influences he has had growing up, it is also unfair for you to judge him because of it. You both need to talk about these issues and concerns as they are important when picking a life partner. It could be he has learned from his parents experience and wants better for himself. Not all of us grow up as our parents. As I suggested, communicating your concerns to him is the only way you will begin to get the answers you need. Best of luck to you!
2007-04-18 12:19:03 · answer #8 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sure are being silly,girl..just because his parents had an abused relationship doesn't necessarily mean he too would be abusive..you parents like him since they r broad minded.His mom likes you.You like him.He likes you..i see no hatred nowhere.Go for it!!
2007-04-18 10:37:08 · answer #9 · answered by zoo z 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he loves you he wouldn't beat you!!! He seems like a nice guy. You'll never know untilll you try!!!! And if you parents like him thats amazing because 9 times out of 10 they know whats best for you!!!!!!!
2007-04-18 14:44:11 · answer #10 · answered by blackbudafly 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋